Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

A lot of people on here are acting as if a wedding is for the guests. And you’re being passive aggressive not getting a gift just because you didn’t come to the ceremony?
it isn’t just a party, I spent quite a lot - wedding prices - on what was a wedding celebration party - a reception party. Many of my friends and family were delighted to be there, celebrating with us. I was just a bit taken aback by her behaviour and it’s left a poor taste in my mouth.

Do you realise how grubby you sound?

You got married in the Caribbean which is an expensive choice. You held a party for others so you could get gifts. You're pissed off because you didn't get a gift from a family member and because you had to pay higher prices than expected because it was a wedding celebration.

You made choices and now you're pissed off because it wasn't as super special as you wanted it.
You wanted to have your cake and eat it - destination wedding AND wedding reception and loads of gifts and insta-moments.

You had a party and you didn't get a present. Boo fucking hoo.

Maybe she was hurt you eloped and she never got to be a part of her bothers wedding?
Maybe she is struggling with finances and thr house viewing and sale is extrmely important for them to sort out the finances.
Maybe the kids were playing up.
I would not make it into a thing, I also don't care for gifts. Its lovely if people do give a gift but i never want or expect them.

Jesus how nasty and bitter

Sorry but you do sound rather hard work and confrontational. Expecting anything ever is simply rude in my book. Parties after elopement do seem a bit ‘having cake and eating it’ .Wind your neck in and keep the peace. Move on and don’t make bother.

Was it an actual sit down plated meal with a top table and speeches etc. What made it a wedding reception as opposed to a house party? I think people are just trying to get a perspective.

So what you do is now that you know how much effort she puts into things, return the same energy. Don’t turn up on time to her events, don’t feel obliged to get her gifts, return messages whenever you feel like it etc.

Congrats on your marriage! 🥳🥳🥳. Yes I’d be upset not to get a gift, (unless I knew they were in financial struggles). Did she write something nice in the card or not?

I don’t think it was a reception party though-it was an after celebration, not a wedding. Did you have it set out as a seated meal with speeches etc like a traditional wedding would have? If so, and she missed the meal, I’d be annoyed & tell her so, that’s a massive expense, otherwise let it go, it will seem grabby to whine about a gift & maybe it was an important house viewing to them.

Total non event. Really not worth getting upset over, unless you’re determined to do so.

There's allsorts they can do with photos now. Could you not have took seperate photos of them and get photographer to add them onto your photos? The house viewing would trump your wedding especially if their struggling to sell. You chose a destination wedding then except people to treat the reception as a wedding party somewhere time later.🙄🤔

Surprised at some of the comments. St Lucia sounds lovely place to get married and I get the reception was a proper celebration of the marriage.
It is hurtful and bit disrespectful not to give even a wee gift. Is there any chance they did and someone nabbed it or tag fell off etc?
The lateness can understand and wasn’t too long.
I’d say in answer to your Q do nothing. Focus on your day and all that went right. Laugh it off in essence if you can.
If you opt to do something mind there are some situations where people aren’t really interested in hearing how you feel whether it be for the intent of resolving or not - the reality is the other person might never forget it and might not engage with this approach so not always advised.
A subtle way to get an answer or explanation could be when you or DH are at the in laws. Mention it was hard to keep track of gifts but time to do the thank yous. Can we just check what you gave… sorry to have to ask but also keeping a scrapbook 📔 😉 etc…

If you wanted all the gifts and the special pictures then perhaps you would have been better off spending your money on a wedding and reception in the UK.

Really? Not that important if you eloped.

This can’t be real.

It’s hardly a big deal. The house viewing was obviously important.

As for the card and no gift… Entitled much?

it isn’t just a party, I spent quite a lot - wedding prices - on what was a wedding celebration party - a reception party.

Why on earth would you do that? Surely the point of eloping is to escape all the fuss and rampant commercialism around occasion weddings? As soon as you let a venue and any suppliers know it's to do with a wedding they double their prices. You could have had just as good a party without all that.

Is there a reason why your husband's sister alone is potentially getting all the flak, and not her husband? I get it that she's the relative, but her husband must have played a part at least in being late.

I still haven’t seen anything that says what you’re looking for as an outcome.

Are you looking for a gift?
Are you looking for an apology ?
Are you looking for a reason to fall out with her?

Why can’t you choose to cut her some slack? Or to just let it go.
It really does seem that you value stuff and her performing to your standards above having a good relationship with your in-laws.

Are you definitely sure you have all the information about what happened.

My husbands brother and his wife, didn’t attend our wedding, didn’t tell us they were not attending, his parents had said they were, and of course, didn’t send a gift.
Meanwhile, I’d wasted money on their meals and buttonholes.
I should have billed them 🤣🤣🤣

It was only a party so doesn’t really matter she was late does it? It’s not like she turned up during the vows or something.

I havent a clue what percentage of people at our wedding gave us gifts

I think you'd notice if your sister didn't.

You are very different to your SIL and it sounds like you don’t really get on.

you can’t control her behavior - so if she wants to be late to your party, let her. If they don’t want to be in the photos, let them.

dot spend the rest of your life spoiling for a fight and demanding respect. Don’t give her that power.

I really can't remember if my brother did. Or DH's sisters. We asked for charity donations or John Lewis vouchers. It was 13 years ago.

Brother's wedding was 9 years ago. I assume I probably got them something. No memory of it or if they asked for anything specifically.

If my brother got married and didn't invite me I would be desperately hurt. Really upset.

A party aftwards is not a wedding.

If you wanted a traditional wedding with gifts, you should have had a traditional wedding and invited your family.

A wedding is important, but the SIL wasn't important enough to be invited to that (or anyone by the sounds of it ). A party isn't important. A party after an elopement is just an excuse to get presents out of people. If you want people to celebrate your marriage and give wedding gifts then invite them to the wedding.

Correct

My grandmother’s funeral took place recently.

My sister-in-law (husband’s sister) arrived as the coffin was about to be lifted by the coffin bearers.

My own brother arrived after the first hymn.

Neither of them would have intended any disrespect. They both would have wanted to be on time. They are just both for some reason incapable of being punctual. I know it irritated their respective parents when they were young adults, but thirty years later, it’s not going to change.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I understand your frustration. My husband’s brother decided to go to the gym before getting in the car to come and see us after we had our first child. We were waiting in the delivery suite for him and I was absolutely shattered after a difficult birth. I didn’t give two figs if he came or not but my in laws were very keen he visit. It was bloody ages…
I don’t think you’ll change her OP and you are going to have to decide how far you what to pursue this. Only you know the family dynamic.