... being angry with my parents?

[RainyWednesday]

Spoilt brat alert

My parents are fairly comfortably off, especially now that my dad has retired (mum is SAHM) and they have few outgoings, and have always been extremely generous with money.

A few years ago now, I set about becoming a lawyer. I already had an English degree (which they supported me through), so this meant doing a conversion course (one year), a further one year course, and then two years in a training contract before qualifying as a solicitor. I set about funding this myself, partly through working during university holidays and partly through a bank loan. Because I wanted to be a legal aid lawyer, this meant I had to cover all my course fees and living costs myself (if you have a training contract with a big rich firm then they will generally pay your fees and give you some money towards living costs).

In case it isn't clear from the above, there was a gap of several years between finishing my first degree and starting my course where I was working and supporting myself - I didn't do them back to back.

I did the first course in London and after a while, as my parents knew I was struggling, they offered to pay my rent (£250 a month), which was a huge help. For the second course, I ended up moving back home to live with them - which was fab

When I moved back home, my dad offered to pay my course fees, both for the upcoming year and for the year that I had already done/paid for. I was extremely grateful for this, as you might imagine.

Skip forward a couple of years. Halfway through my two-year training contract, I decided that there was no point me finishing it. I was desperately unhappy - crying most evenings and calling Samaritans a couple of times from work. I found the work utterly depressing. In case it isn't already obvious from the previous two sentences nor did I seem particularly good at it; I'd gone into Legal Aid because I wanted to help people and instead I was just floundering. Finally, my salary was so low that it cost me slightly more to live and work in London than I was getting paid - so I was effectively paying to go to work. I felt there was no point carrying on and left my job. I still consider it one of the best things I ever did.

My parents were extremely upset and angry that I didn't complete my training contract - not because they wanted me to be a lawyer (my mum has said she didn't think I was suited to it) but because they thought I should stick with it. My mum in particular thinks that completeing my training contract would have given me more opportunities, whereas in fact it would, as far as I know, have qualified me for nothing except being a solicitor, which I didn't want to be. I hate upsetting and disappointing them but couldn't face another year of hell just to please them.

Over the next few years, my mum occasionally complained about the fact that I hadn't finished my contract and that I had wasted their money, which really upset me but I bit my tongue because I hate conflict, particularly with them.

Skip forward another couple of years. My DB and his wife bought a house with my parents' help, renovated it and sold it a few months ago for an enormous profit. Because my parents had helped them out and they wouldn't have been able to buy it otherwise, my parents promised to give me and my other brother each £20,000 out of their share of the proceeds. Yay - again I was very grateful for this.

They have recently told me that they've decided to take out of that £20,000 all the money they've given me over the past few years (and the same for my brother too). This means that, less the course fees they paid, it's now something like £11,000.

The main thing that upsets me about this is not that I've "lost" £9,000 (because obviously I haven't lost anything at all - on the contrary, I'm being given a huge sum of money!) but I feel like I'm being punished for not completing my contract. I am sure that, if I'd finished it, it would never have occurred to them to take the money back again.

It also upsets me that a few years ago they gave me a gift and now they've taken it back off me again.

Finally, £1,000 of the money they've claimed back comes from a deposit they paid on the first flat a friend and I rented in 1997. When we moved out, the landlady ripped us off so we didn't have the money to pay back to them and we eventually forgot that we owed it at all (I am mortified about this ). However, they only suddenly started mentioning it about a year ago. Now they've said that they've taken the whole £1,000 off me and if I want my friend's share then I'll have to ask her for it. Which is kind of fair enough but I am too embarrassed to mention it after 11 years and it upsets me that they've effectively passed her debt on to me because they're too embarrassed to ask about it either.

I'm sorry this is so long I feel (marginally) better for purging. On the one hand I feel like I'm being a spoiled bitch because, ffs, someone's giving me £11,000, but on the other I feel like I'm being unfairly punished and it really really upsets me

DH says I should just let it go. I would love to let it go - but how?

"nightynight has a very good job and doesnt need our help" - may be. I can see how it looks like I'm better off than my siblings. My father has treated us all reasonably fairly and you can't sit there and count. He paid for longer for my brother studying but only because he became a psychiatrist. If I'd picked that job he'd have supported me in it and I have said the same to my children but I'm not evening it up with extra cash gifts and then I married at 21 so didn't get any help when I bought a house whereas my siblings did etc. But I don't resent the difference particularly.

As for happiness it has nothing to do in most cases with what you have in terms of material possessions. One study found the Keynans the happiest on the planet although perhaps not in the last few years.

If Rainyw is not content it might even be a simple issue such as the effect of diet on mood and changing the diet or exercising more or getting more fresh air might solve it.

i f your parents 'gave' you money which they could afford, and you now feel that they are punishing you, then that is the issue.

To be asked to give it back, is their way of saying they were not happy with your decision. THAT is the issue.

I get that it isn't about the money. It's about taking back a present, however I do think that if you lend or give money to someone in general you can't CAN'T stick your nose in about how they spend it BUT your parents gave you money for a particular reason, to finish your studies, and probably feel let down because you didn't see it through right to the end. I guess this makes them feel that they can pass opinions on it, because it WAS so specific. It might not feel nice but I suppose they have a point.

If you feel they are making a point because of this can you even the universe up a bit by not accepting the 11,000? Or better still, could you thank them but ask them instead to put the 11,000 into an account for your children? Do you think doing something like that would make them and you able to move on happily?

my first thought is "oh grow up you spoilt brat"

its also my 2nd thought- will now read other responses

Material possessions are certainly not an automatic ticket to happiness. RW sounds as though she has a loving supportive family, husband, and a baby on the way. How wonderful - congratulations! (unless I've got wrong end of stick )
I've always thought that happiness is not something you reach, but an attitude to how you see each situation you find yourself in in life.

This has probably already been said, and I've probably missed a lot of the convo, but maybe parents are trying to be fair to their children in how much of a financial gift they give, and feel that as RW has already been helped in the past by a substantial amount, then it would be fairer to siblings if that was taken into account??

I'm not suggesting for one moment that you don't have the 'right' to be unhappy. Everyone has issues that, depending on their circumstances, seem a greater or lesser problem to them personally - but was suggesting that it was a shame that RW was spending precious time being unhappy which could be spent in a more positive way. Life is all too short.
I hope you get this resolved very soon x

Are you assuming that's my response? You couldn't be more wrong.
And if you want to talk about dysfunctional families............mine is a real doozy. I could trump RWs' a thousand-fold.

I haven?t read the whole thread so forgive me if I?m repeating everybody else.

You need to separate the idea of ?a gift being taken back? from the gift of the money.

Have you tried looking at it another way?

Such as:-
Previously you were given a gift of £9000 that other family members were not given. Because of this your parents have decided to give you £11000 and your brother £20000 (or whatever his amount is with deductions ). This is absolutely not a case of ?taking back? a gift already given, but ensuring that you are all given an equal amount in total.

No, but I do have some insight, as do many others here.
And my main point is - RW ought to seek a way through this so she can be happy and enjoy the rest of her life to the full. It's not about the money.

I don't know what your relationship with your brothers is like but when my grandmother died the lawyers put her financial estate in a 'pot', deducted the value of 'gifts' to each of the children and divided it up that way. As result, my mother keeps a record of any financial help she dishes out to us, which will make it much easier to divide everything equally when the time comes. Maybe what your parents do now is simply evening things up for the future.

youknow is right - "Previously you were given a gift of £9000 that other family members were not given. Because of this your parents have decided to give you £11000 and your brother £20000". That is how a lot of families do it. I think my ex husband's family had given one or other a bit more than the other as a "loan" to buy a first house. When a grandparent died they made the loan into a gift but the other children who had not had that got the same amount.

Here as with my children the parents have given sums to pay these very expensive fees. This was a gift not given to the other at the same time. Now the money is being give out that is deducted. Sounds perfectly fair to me. Now the interseting isuse is had she stuck the course and become a solicitor would they now be pleased and be paying the whole new £20k out without the deduction?

I have got that particularised with the girls - if they drop out I pay. When my oldest got the fees paid in retrospect by a firm that lump sum came to me. Had she not got a firm to pay she would have had the fees as a gift. That again seems perfectly fair to me.