... being angry with my parents?

[RainyWednesday]

Spoilt brat alert

My parents are fairly comfortably off, especially now that my dad has retired (mum is SAHM) and they have few outgoings, and have always been extremely generous with money.

A few years ago now, I set about becoming a lawyer. I already had an English degree (which they supported me through), so this meant doing a conversion course (one year), a further one year course, and then two years in a training contract before qualifying as a solicitor. I set about funding this myself, partly through working during university holidays and partly through a bank loan. Because I wanted to be a legal aid lawyer, this meant I had to cover all my course fees and living costs myself (if you have a training contract with a big rich firm then they will generally pay your fees and give you some money towards living costs).

In case it isn't clear from the above, there was a gap of several years between finishing my first degree and starting my course where I was working and supporting myself - I didn't do them back to back.

I did the first course in London and after a while, as my parents knew I was struggling, they offered to pay my rent (£250 a month), which was a huge help. For the second course, I ended up moving back home to live with them - which was fab

When I moved back home, my dad offered to pay my course fees, both for the upcoming year and for the year that I had already done/paid for. I was extremely grateful for this, as you might imagine.

Skip forward a couple of years. Halfway through my two-year training contract, I decided that there was no point me finishing it. I was desperately unhappy - crying most evenings and calling Samaritans a couple of times from work. I found the work utterly depressing. In case it isn't already obvious from the previous two sentences nor did I seem particularly good at it; I'd gone into Legal Aid because I wanted to help people and instead I was just floundering. Finally, my salary was so low that it cost me slightly more to live and work in London than I was getting paid - so I was effectively paying to go to work. I felt there was no point carrying on and left my job. I still consider it one of the best things I ever did.

My parents were extremely upset and angry that I didn't complete my training contract - not because they wanted me to be a lawyer (my mum has said she didn't think I was suited to it) but because they thought I should stick with it. My mum in particular thinks that completeing my training contract would have given me more opportunities, whereas in fact it would, as far as I know, have qualified me for nothing except being a solicitor, which I didn't want to be. I hate upsetting and disappointing them but couldn't face another year of hell just to please them.

Over the next few years, my mum occasionally complained about the fact that I hadn't finished my contract and that I had wasted their money, which really upset me but I bit my tongue because I hate conflict, particularly with them.

Skip forward another couple of years. My DB and his wife bought a house with my parents' help, renovated it and sold it a few months ago for an enormous profit. Because my parents had helped them out and they wouldn't have been able to buy it otherwise, my parents promised to give me and my other brother each £20,000 out of their share of the proceeds. Yay - again I was very grateful for this.

They have recently told me that they've decided to take out of that £20,000 all the money they've given me over the past few years (and the same for my brother too). This means that, less the course fees they paid, it's now something like £11,000.

The main thing that upsets me about this is not that I've "lost" £9,000 (because obviously I haven't lost anything at all - on the contrary, I'm being given a huge sum of money!) but I feel like I'm being punished for not completing my contract. I am sure that, if I'd finished it, it would never have occurred to them to take the money back again.

It also upsets me that a few years ago they gave me a gift and now they've taken it back off me again.

Finally, £1,000 of the money they've claimed back comes from a deposit they paid on the first flat a friend and I rented in 1997. When we moved out, the landlady ripped us off so we didn't have the money to pay back to them and we eventually forgot that we owed it at all (I am mortified about this ). However, they only suddenly started mentioning it about a year ago. Now they've said that they've taken the whole £1,000 off me and if I want my friend's share then I'll have to ask her for it. Which is kind of fair enough but I am too embarrassed to mention it after 11 years and it upsets me that they've effectively passed her debt on to me because they're too embarrassed to ask about it either.

I'm sorry this is so long I feel (marginally) better for purging. On the one hand I feel like I'm being a spoiled bitch because, ffs, someone's giving me £11,000, but on the other I feel like I'm being unfairly punished and it really really upsets me

DH says I should just let it go. I would love to let it go - but how?

Could you put the money towards some counselling?

Eek you're all posting too fast again.

No, I don't have any "proof" that they would have given me the full £20k if I had finished my course but that is my instinct from knowing them and things my mum has said over the years. Yes they are taking off my brother's spends too but that could simply follow from "we are subtracting this money from Rainy so we should take it off little brother too" iyswim.

As I said before, I am mortified I forgot about the deposit. That was a horrible thing to do. But I was 21, broke, ripped off by our landlady, and trying to sue her to get it back. I don't have a problem with them asking for it back, I just don't understand why they waited 11 years to mention it.

Well, of course your brother is getting more! He did all the work and has made a profit on his investement! If I understand rightly, his work has paid off. If your investment had paid off, he has made a profit and your parents have had their share of the investment repaid in spades. If your investment of your gift had been as successful and you were now a partner in a law firm earning £150K plus a year, would you give part of your salary to your siblings or your parents? Of course you wouldn't!
You are not a mindreader and neither are your parents. You are assuming all sorts of bad things about the (how they judge you, how they are disappointed in you, how they feel about you) for which you have no evidence. You seem to want them to feel sad about your depression even though you never told them anything.

In my experience, almost everything you assume about other people (particularly bad, paranoid stuff) is 100% wrong.
I think it's far more likely they thought, 'well we've split the will completely equally three ways, so let's make sure we are fair now as well so there's no resentment when we die'.

Message withdrawn

No I wasn't been the least bit sarcastic. I was impressed because you're using the transferable skills from your degrees.

You're right that you could achieve more with your degrees, however, you mention you are happy with your decision. I think this is the key to going forward. You have to do what feels right for you. You can't live your life through what your parents (or others) expect you to do, or what they think will make you happy.

A friend used to say to me "never expect anything from anybody and you'll never be disappointed". I used to think that this was quite sad. However, as I've got older I think this saying is so true. You make your own happiness and if anybody does something nice etc well that is an added bonus.

Enjoy your £11k. Perhaps look upon the "lost" 9k as a final closure on that chapter.

Okay, I really need to go and eat and actually speak to DH.

vivace Yes of course my brother is getting more. I don't have a problem with that, I was just explaining to a few people who seemed to think the he had to share his profit with the rest of his siblings.

A partner in a legal aid firm doesn't get anything like £150k a year

No I'm not a mindreader, but I have known my parents for 30+ years.

No, I don't want them to be upset about my depression - that's why I didn't tell them. It was just an example of how I don't like to tell them when I'm unhappy.

Thank you for those of you who have understood the not-about-the-money aspect.

Do I really have to pay for therapy when I can be insulted by strangers on the internet?

DH is making clanking noises in the kitchen ...

Just because you have known them (and I think the parent/child relationship doesn't really let you know your parents - I'm sure my children don't really 'know' me) for 30 years doesn't mean you aren't completely imagining their feelings. And I bet you are. From everythign you've written it seems really obvious that they are trying to be fair to all three children, giving you equal amounts when they are alive, and equal amounts when they die. How can that be wrong? How can you be angry about it? They have told you that they are doing the same to your brother, haven't they? Can you not consider that they are just doing a lovely, kind, generous thing in giving away THEIR profit to you? They don't have to do anyting of the sort. If they were really the mean, penny-pinching, pursed-lips sorts you are (perhaps inadvertently) painting them as they wouldn't give you a penny!

rainywed, your parents did not wait 11 years to get the deposit back. They just did not want to raise the issue of your paying it back until an opportunity came whereby they were able to claim it back without you having to stump up the cash from your pocket.

This windfall from your brother's hard work and canny business sense afforded them that perfect opportunity.

Quite, blueshoes. They are being ridiculously kind and generous! This way you don't have to give them a penny.

OK having read this thread in a bit more detail I think I understand a bit more why you feel upset. You HAVE acknowledged that you might come accross as a spoilt brat but I guess you can't help your feelings. I also accept that if they had said 'here's £11K from our share of the profits' it would have perhaps been better than the way they have done it but if your other brother was getting more or less because the money they have geven him over the years is more or less than you it would have been difficult to explain which is probaly why they have done it this way.

However I do think you have to let it go. From what you have said I honestly don't think your parents are punishing you in anyway - I think they are trying their best to treat the 3 of you fairly and similarly. I think that rather than penalise you for not finishing the course they have looked at the money they have given to each of you over the years in order to equalise things now that they are in a position to do so. I think they are trying to make sure they have treated you all equally when they may feel they haven't in the past - you say the 3 of you don't really discuss it but plenty of people would and if they have given you more over the years than your brothers (or the other way round) they might worry that it will cause problems between you.

I do think you are making something out of nothing. Please try and let it drop and enjoy they £11K they have given you without thinking too much about the reasons behind it.

rainywed, if you hide your depression and disappointment over the failure of your training contract from your parents, can you say that your parents truly understand you? In the same vein, can you truly say you understand your parents in-and-out?

What are your thoughts on posters that say your parents are not making any value judgment on your or your siblings success or failures but are just treating their children equally in terms of cash gifts?

You are being a spoilt brat. Your parents have supported and helped you do the things you wanted to do. They are now giving you £11000,
You are a grown up and should not still expect your parents to support you. So grow up and stop whining.

Journey thanks - I am happy with my decision, most of the time

vivace if I have painted them as mean or penny-pinching then it was completely and utterly unintentional, I don't want to do that at all. They are incredibly generous people and pretty much perfect parents.

alicet I want to let it go. This has been cathartic - ish. Anyway, I'll try

Don't beat yourself up. Life goes on. Think that you let a few things go in the past that you maybe should have kept your eye on the ball for. Quite frankly if your parents can afford it I would have thought that it was quite acceptable to think that they were helping you out at the time because they wanted to.

Gosh RainyWednesday you have really copped it here, I don't know why you have been treated so harshly....I do feel for you here as I don't see money as the issue here. It's the morals and the way your parents have dealt with this that has hurt you. I don't see you as spoilt or ungrateful I just see you as someone that wants your parents to love you and treat you kindly and support you and not stand in judgement.

I don't have any money and nor does my father but if he treated me this way over something I too would be upset.

RainyWednesday, if I were you I would cut the umbilical cord. You are in a position to be worried about them taking the money back (which I agree is a bit ) because they have offered you more, which you are going to accept.
So don't take it. Have independence instead, then they can't upset you.

RW like the odd poster on this thread I can understand your feslongs here too. YOu know you are being a brat but It doesn't stop the feeling that you are getting conditions imposed on you after the event. I think EB is really sensibl eand speaks wise words about ho wto handle things.

Just to give you an example in my family my dad and mum helped dh and I out to teh tune of £8k over a period of time. They offered BUT said the condidtions in advance. 1 - I give them a recipt, 2 - it will be taken off my inheritance at the end of the day. 3 - they told my brothers about this.

ATM they are helping my brother out with school fees for his dd, he is doing the same, keeping a tally etc.

HOWEVER all this has been done in advance of havng the ££. So the goalposts have not been moved.

You knowyou are being a brat, but you know why you are, a rant is the best way to get it off your chest.

GOOD LUCK

Rainywednesday. I feel sorry for you having to read all of these judgemental replies. I know you have placed yourself out there by putting this in the AIBU thread, but I think the point was made in the first few replies. The fact is many people think you ABU. It appears to me, you accept that & have appreciated the replies so you may reflect. Its not about the amount of cash, its about the feelings you are experiencing. I hope they give you a break.
Families are different, have different wealth thresholds & I can understand the issues you are raising. I hope you can take some good from this thread (as there are many interesting points), although some views may be harsh, they are just opinions which you can accept or reject.

Your parents seem very generous to me, I can't really see why you are complaining.

RW, I can totally sympathise with you regarding this, but I do think that your parents are trying, albeit in a cack-handed manner, to ensure you understand the value of money. With the benefit of hindsight, perhaps they should have done this after each of the periods where they 'gave' you substantial sums of money. However, I believe they are now trying to do what's best for you, by giving you a large lump sum of money, but saying that you would've had £20k, but we are deducting x, y and z. I really don't think you should consider that they are doing this because of your perceived failure. After all, they are also deducting £1k from the flat deposit which I assume was a debt from your first degree (which you completed). They have also made the point that they are deducting an amount from your brother's £20k, and I assume he didn't drop out (forgive me) from his degree?

Money and families are very dodgy ground to tread. I have name changed to post this because of my circumstances, which I think are relevant to you. My parents, through enormous hard work, came into a huge amount of money a few years ago. Since then they have given my two siblings and I large cash sums -- including buying each of us a house. No strings. Also, they give each of us an allowance of £1k a month. No strings. Recently I asked for a lump sum to help me out, which they so kindly obliged. The way I feel about all of this is I am forever grateful to them. Whatever happens I know that I am always going to be solvent. I do not care what they have or haven't given my siblings, but I do know they are pretty fair. What I do know for sure is that they are delighted to be able to do this for us. I also know for sure that they are pleased/relieved that this came to us all slightly later on in life (siblings and I are late 30s/early 40s), so we all had established careers and we weren't spoiled financially early on in life. BUT the partner of one of my siblings has suggested that my parents write a clause in their wills to stop the DP of the other sibling having any claim on their estate. I was so goddamn angry about this. My parents' estate has nothing to do with any of us, least of all this DP. What they do with their money is entirely up to them. If they leave it to a cat sanctuary, that is their choice.

Never wait for a dead man's shoes is what my father has always told me. And I think there is so much truth in that. Be grateful for all the times your parents helped you out. Be grateful that they are deducting it from a sum of money they considered gifting to you and not when you were skint and struggling. And be glad you have an unexpected £11k coming when you probably most need it when you have a DC on the way (congrats btw). Please do not be angry or upset with your parents. They sound incredibly lovely, generous people who are just trying to do the right thing.

Thank you for the supportive replies from people who have understood what I was saying (possibly badly - so much for my English degree). Thank you also I guess for the less supportive replies - it's been interesting to get different views. I am hoping that this thread will disappear sometime in the next few days, because I probably shouldn't have started it, but I was sick of everything going round in my head and it has been useful.

My parents are very generous. They are wonderful people I am also aware that it is entirely up to them what they do with their money (though a dogs' home is more likely than a cat sanctuary) and I am grateful for everything they've done for me (financial and otherwise).

Neither of my brothers dropped out of degrees, but then nor did I - in fact I finished two of them (or one and a half ). What I dropped out of was a job, with a qualification at the end of it.

I don't think it is about the money, I think you've read it as a bit of a message that they are disappointed in you, but they most probably didn't mean it in that way at all and are just trying to be fair to their 3 children.
They wouldn't want to send you a hurtful message when you're having their first grandchild, I'd guess it just didn't cross their mind you'd be so upset.

If you were depressed back then it is all likely to have taken on much more meaning in your mind than in other people's (especially if you hid the extent of your unhappiness from them).

I think you should just let it go and don't dwell on it. It probably all seems worse because of all your hormones too!

I did an english degree

then two years back to back to convert etc which i funded myself

then i finished my training contract

i would have quite enjoyed not waiting on tables while i was doing all this

it meant that dropping out wasn't an option - too much personal investment

maybe you just got given too much and therefore this is why you didn't value it or think enough about it beforehand

i've seen this so many times - it's taught me not to want to fund any postgraduate stuff for my own children

you know you need to get a proper sense of perspective on this, don't you?

RW i also hope this inane post disappears.why don't you read some of the comments, stop whining about about unsupportive comments - well what did you expect telling a bunch of strangers that you have been given £11k and fortunate and charmed enough for your parents to financially support you. but still you find something to complain about.

you forget that your parents not compelled to give you anything. so arbitrary trite moaning about money is trite, selfish and churlish. you need to grow up