To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

However your DH is in a two income family.
So saying he is ok financially is due to his wife, the OP. If you and your DH split up, could he afford to have a home for his children with ex and your 1 child and pay £650 to ex, half that maintenance for the 5yr old and be guarantor??

I'm starting to think you are the Mother in this scenario.

Do you understand what a guarantor is?

Would you give your ex £30k + that you couldn't really afford in the hopes he would pay it back, even though he's a bit shit with money? Even if it was detrimental to your own kids life?

What's crazy is you're not thinking how the mum will feel..

Presumably if you were to apply for more mortgage for the extension this would be something affecting how much you could borrow?

I don't think that's fair. I started this thread because I was torn, I have stated throughout that I like their mum and appreciate this situation is horrible for her. I am not unsympathetic at all to her situation, I wouldn't have started this thread if I were, but I don't think that means I have to do something that could potentially have a huge impact on my life and my own finances.

No. You've got really confused here. Nobody has to support an able-bodied ex to an unlimited degree just because they had children with that person. And a guarantor is unlimited; all rent for possibly years, all property damage even caused by her bew partner etc. Ensuring kids have a home - yes. Being kind and helpful where possible - yea. Risking bankrupting your own household for someone no longer connected to you - no, not reasonable.

There’s no suggestion she got an unfair deal at all. Lots of people are truly shit with money. Presumably your overall assets went down in value because I find it quite unlikely that you would walk away with 15k if the assets were over 100k.

Anyway, my advice is do not agree to this.

The part about how being financially irresponsible means you’re a bad parent rings so true. My DP spent his marriage paying off various debts for his ex wife. She is absolutely terrible with money and a bad parent in many other ways (not bad enough for anything to be done about it but bad enough to be damaging her kids). So glad we didn’t guarantee her rental but we feel bad for her most recent ex who did. Some people can’t be helped.

Yeah he does. His house.

They can stay with him. And the grown adult that is their mother needs to get a grip and stop being so frivolous with money when she's got children to support. It's not his job to house her. Should she be housing him?

@Startinganew32 the original poster appears to be swerving this question though, why is it that D P is in a position where they could not only afford child-support and covering the rent if necessary and Mum doesn’t have the money for a new car and to make ends meet during the cost of living crisis? Is that entirely because of the OP income? Or are there other reasons?

Do not agree to this. Ultimately it is not your problem and there is a reason she has money troubles. You don’t want these to become your financial problems as well.

Sorry but it most certainly is ‘doing that much’. It’s potentially financially ruinous if she defaults on the rent. Once you’ve signed as a guarantor you’re legally obligated to take over the rent payments if the tenant defaults. The guarantor cannot end the agreement without the permission of the landlord - unlikely if the tenant is in arrears, and if you find you can’t afford the payments yourself the landlord can take you to court and have the resulting costs added to the debt. OP’s DH has no financial obligation to his ex beyond the responsibility to the children, and nor should he.

I think you've answered your own question, in all fairness. She is not good with money, has taken out things on finance - some unnecessary spending by her own admission, and whilst she says she's earning a low wage, the amount she's receiving in maintenance, plus half of everything else paid for that you've listed, is not an unsubstantial amount.

The right thing to do for your family would be to say no. It's too risky. She really should be managing her money better and if you bail her out this time, there's no incentive for her to do so. You also shouldn't have to change your own plans to do this. That wouldn't be fair. Your dh can deliver the news kindly and gently to let her know after careful consideration its not something you feel comfortable with but will try and help out in other ways.

Has she consolidated her debts with a debt company? This would mean her credit rating is shot, but she will be making fixed payments against those repayments. It will also stop her from getting further credit so you shouldn’t have to worry about more debt - though she will have this issue when renting.

If she has not done this then I would say no as she could get into more debt.

I would be guarantor on the provision that she has done the above!

There are two children that live with their mum. They are the ones that should be housed with suitable homes with dad and mum. I don’t think bringing in another child into the mix is helpful to the existing children.

i probably have worded this badly.

The problem is, if she can’t pay her rent in the new place and you get fed up of handing over the money to cover it then where does she go?
Will your husband then feel responsible for finding her somewhere else to live or will you be paying for her rent indefinitely?
Its far too risky given her financial history and the debts she’s got herself into.

The mum in question got money from the sale of the house,which she squandered.
And then got herself in more debt.

Maybe rather than coming for the op and her dh,maybe ask the dm why she tucked up her lids life.
She did this no one else.

@OhYesYouDid0 Do not be a guarantor. What would happen if you got made redundant/your DH is ill etc etc. Will severely impact your lives if she doesn't pay the rent (likely given past history).
By all means give her a 6 month rent in advance lump sum, but you know you won't get it back.

Come on, they are married, he does not have his OWN money. The money is theirs.

This is the problem though. What you want to do in “your own lives” has to come second to the wellbeing of all of the children involved. Your husband has three children - massive responsibility already. And the older two will have their wellbeing significantly impacted if their mum can’t get anywhere for her and them to live.

It's like you don't even see the kids as her responsibility. She's had someone else's, so she's owed everything.

They're her kids, not something she's burdened herself with like a fucking hero on behalf of someone else. Frankly she needs to sort her life out and act like a responsible, accountable mother.

@OhYesYouDid0 also - you can pay for a guarantor service.

Obviously that would be an additional cost but it's not huge - maybe something your OH could cover by foregoing a luxury of his, so that it doesn't impact your joint saving?

Having said that, there could be a middle ground - if it's a fixed term contract he can be guarantor just for that period (he'd need to make sure it didn't just rollover).

So she signs for a year, and by the time you were ready to have a baby/do the other things the risk would have passed.

She will hopefully be in a better posisiton by that point and could pay for the guarantor service herself.

He is being a guarantor, not providing for her

If it all goes tits up, yes he'll be liable, but the alternative is the woman who carried his children ending up on the street

She isn't simply an ex

Also worth remembering that - even though she's shit with money - the ex is starting from a weaker position because she's a single income.

It's financially harder and harder these days not to be in a couple.

This is madness - a financially responsible woman should not have another child because a squanderer ex f-ed up big time?

Hard no. Could end paying her rent for years - are you going to throw her out if she stops paying and get her evicted?