To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

If she defaults they could be paying her rent at least until the end of the rental agreement or until something changes with that agreement. Sot it’s not a question of getting fed up of handing over the money - they are legally obligated to do so.

I'm not in this scenario.

But I'd tell all women, that if you have a man's baby, don't picture it being all dreamy, picture his new wife being told not to let him help you when you're going through a tough time!

My ex is my guarantor on my tenancy. I’ve lived here 10 years with no issues.

Hubby and I were in this position with his sister, she owed money all over the place, had bad credit and asked us to be a guarantor for a house. We both said no but agreed on if she found a house we would gift 3 months rent straight to the agent. Lovely as my sister in law is there was no way knowing a bad history of money we would become a guarantor for her. Should she stop paying it came from us as long as she decided to stay there. So no to anyone with a bad credit and history of debt but we were happy to help gift. She is still in the house we helped with and is slowly getting it together now

God OP. What a tough situation to be in.

As a step mum I will say I couldn’t turn this request down. It’s not about her, it’s about the kids and moving in with you FT due to housing situation isn’t the right way for them to come to yours full time. It will lead to many issues in the long term.

I don’t think I would sign as guarantor but explore other options (pay more upfront find a guarantor company etc).

Be careful saying no though - there will be ramifications if you do which might outweigh some financial constraints

Most definitely. It will show up on any credit check.

@OhYesYouDid0
The bottom line is this - what happens if you become guarantors and she loses her job, or becomes ill/car accident and cannot work. She is unable to pay the rent and the landlord takes her to court to get her evicted. This takes several years and at the end of it you are liable for hundreds of thousands of pounds of back rent and court costs including baliffs. During this time you cannot get a loan, or get a good mortgage rate, or allowed to take out a credit card at decent Apr as you no longer have decent credit rating yourself. You could either have bailiffs take items away from your home or you could actually have to sell your house. And then be unable to get a rental without a guarantor yourself as you are no longer a "safe bet". How does that possibility make you feel? Panicked?

The above happens more than you realise. Don't play around with your future and your own credit rating.

I wouldn’t - it sounds like she’s not great with money and also on the current climate, what would happen if she lost her job again (or you did). If she always has people bailing her out financially, she won’t learn. (Speaking from experience)

That is providing for her!

And she is an ex, it is that simple.

I certainly am not going to be financially responsible for my ex just because we had kids together and when push comes to shove, neither would you. It’s just easy to say you would.

She is an adult and capable of making her own financial decisions. He isn’t responsible 10+ years after they split.

In what world is OP’s DH responsible for the fact that his ex is shit with money and has got herself into debt ? He’s responsible for his children and OP has already said they would be taken care of. That’s where it ends.

It's the mother of his children

Who needs a guarantor or will be on the streets

The contract will not be lifelong, none are these days

The likelihood of it going wrong is less likely than the mother of his children getting her shit together for their sake

Hard times can come for us all. It's very easy to act above it all online but the reality is, any woman could become separated from their husband who goes on to have more kids, and lose our jobs. It happens, and when you have no family to really speak of, going cap in hand to your kids dad and his wife takes some courage

I can't believe the attitudes on this thread - life happens to us all. A man who's kids you have should absolutely ensure that you don't end up on the streets!

Your DH is more than fulfilling his obligations.

He pays a significant amount of child maintenance (approx £650 a month) considering that his children stay with you three nights per week. He also pays for half of everything, clothes, uniform, etc.. and pays for phone contracts for both & football clubs.

Despite this, his ex-partner has got herself into a financial mess all of her own making. Enabling her further by acting as guarantor would be the wrong thing to do.

He is prepared to house his children and have them full-time. Considering the situation, this is likely to be the only sensible option under the circumstances.

I don't think anyone should expect their ex to risk tens of thousands of pounds because they are a bit shit with money tbh.

I can't keep quoting everyone who thinks I'm wrong and she should be left without her kids to find somewhere to live - without the possibility of a guarantor

She's not just his ex. Sorry, she had and raised his kids. The right man would ensure she doesn't bloody end up homeless because things got tough

What reasons were you thinking. They split ten years ago. At what point does he stop being responsible for her shit decisions regarding money ?

Do you know what a guarantor is ?

From experience, never be a guarantor for anything that you're not prepared to actually pay in full for, because that's most likely what'll happen.
DP guaranteed rent for a flaky family member. They defaulted. DP had to pay for the remainder of the lease, and for professional cleaners as DP's relative and cohabitees had left the (shared) apartment filthy.
I would never have agreed to it if I'd been asked. DP was out of pocket a couple of thousand and is a mug, but has learned lesson (I hope).

If not one single person agrees with you, does that not suggest to you that your stance is unrealistic?

And she is just am ex. Am ex that he has kids with but that’s where that ends. Should he support her when they are adults?

Not at all fair that she has asked imho. DH needs to reiterate that his obligations are to you and all his DC not to his ex-partner. If she is already in a mess financially might be even if she is well intended she will get behind on her rent. She could speak to Shelter or the CAB for advice but if you agree this risk also is she will come back for more and more. I’d say no. Whatever the fall out.

😄 no, it suggests that this thread is full of posters who don't care about a woman struggling

Everyone could become this woman - not everyone will have a marriage that lasts long enough for them never to be in this situation.

Nope. Ten years on, not his responsibility. He can give his kids a home - OP has already said she’s up for that. I can’t believe the attitudes on this thread that so many people believe he should take responsibility for the fact that his ex is crap with money.

maybe he could just give her six months rent up front or pay some of her debts off to help with her credit. Then you’d be helping her for a fixed £ amount not an unknown future liability.
My parents never even accepted to be guarantors for me or my siblings because it’s such a risky proposition. If you want to give something, just give it, with no strings.

He's already giving £650 per month as well as housing the DC for half the week and paying half their other expenses. How much more money does the ex need?

I’m separated. Not a chance would I ask this of my ex and I would pee my pants laughing if he came to me asking this.

My financial responsibility is purely mine now that we are apart and finances are agreed.

And it still doesn’t change the fact that this man has another wife and family to consider. Being a guarantor is a serious undertaking and appears on your credit record, potentially barring you from future mortgages. It can also lead to financial ruin. OP would be mad to allow him to do this given his ex’s track record with money. It’s a recipe for disaster. And it’s actually quite insulting to women that you are infantilising this woman to the point where you think that ten years on it’s reasonable for her to still be relying on him financially.