To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

I don’t think that really answers the question though. Did she get a fair split of the assets?
I went into a marriage with £80,000 worth of assets to his 25
And left with 15
I’ve been on the back foot ever since. I’m slowly catching up. But I’m in nowhere near the position I would be in had I never met the man.
I think that matters when making decisions going into the future. Does he basically owe her?

I would never do this for anyone except my children because they are the only people I would be willing to lose a life-changing amount of money for, and you have to be prepared for that to happen.

Renting in UK sucks.

I'd help maybe if someone was genuinely down on their luck.
I wouldn't help someone who was crap with money.
Plus the op has her own dc to worry about.

Oh yes, sorry, I totally misread what you wrote! 🙃

It’s easy to be rubbish with money when you aren’t afraid of asking (and expecting) people to bail you out.

However, they are his children! Personally he should be guarantor for his family as although you say you would have the children live with you, perhaps you have an ulterior motive. The children live with you and that’s £650 back in your pocket!

You think if she can't work he should be responsible for her rent and bills as well as paying his own and paying for his and ops dc and his own dc?

What planet are you on?

He is willing to put a roof over his children's head and have them live with him. He is not responsible for his ex's financial mismanagement.

No way would I help out financially. You will never see the money again.

I would tell her to get help from Citizens Advice with her debt. They can also refer her to other sources of help.

Paying any rent is problematic; when the amount she is paying increases she will be back with the begging bowl. Paying off a specific debt to improve her credit would be more sensible, if you can agree to an amount. Alternatively, increasing her payments to say £850/mth should be more than enough.

Offering to have children full-time so she can rent just a room for a period is ideal, and if you're OK with it as you get along, perhaps she can pop in on one or two regular evenings every week to save taking them out. (Pay her to babysit the 5yo at that time for a date night while she restores finances, and have it as a 1 year only plan while she gets herself back on her feet?)

How on earth have you jumped to me having an ulterior motive in this situation? I say of course the DC can live here because obviously they can, it's their home and if they ever do need to stay here more then it's just no question, it doesn't even need saying, obviously they can. That doesnt mean I am evily plotting his ex wife's downfall so I can steal her children and maintenance for goodness sake.

I think the risk of not being able to have another baby is a huge, life-changing, no do-overs risk. Your DH needs to explain it to her in those terms when he tells her why he, not you, has decided that it's just not possible.

He can tell her that if the situation she swears will never happen does happen, he'll do whatever's necessary to make sure the kids don't suffer.

(don't say 'we'll have the kids live at ours' because it hasn't and hopefully won't happen and she may perceive it as a threat).

Wow

Yes if the mother of his children gets sick, he should help her! The same way that if a present and good father got sick, the mother of his kids should help him

I'm not saying he has to pay all her bills but he should help her. And acting as a guarantor for the mother of his kids really isn't doing that much, sorry

I agree with all of this OP. I think your DH’s obligation is to his children, not his ex. If you’re both prepared to offer them a home if things go wrong then that’s enough. I think a lot of people don’t fully appreciate the responsibility of being a guarantor. You are basically entering into a legally enforceable agreement with the landlord to agree that if the tenant doesn’t pay the rent, you will. The obligation doesn’t end until the original tenancy agreement expires or circumstances change, and you can only end the agreement yourself if the landlord agrees to release you - which, realistically, they’re not going to do if the tenant is in arrears. No matter how reliable his ex is, you don’t know what’s round the corner and it could be financially ruinous. I would stand firm and refuse.

I don’t know if it’s a possibility for her, or an alternative for you and your DH if you feel it’s appropriate, but many landlords won’t insist on a guarantor if you can provide six months rent in advance. Might you be able to help out with that as an option ?

A few people have asked if we could afford it. The answer is yes, we could afford it in the sense that we could afford to cover the rent and still pay our own bills but it would have an impact on what we could do in terms of our own plans for the next few years and things that we want to do in our own lives.

Again, what do you think being a guarantor is? Did you need read the poster who ended up owing 54k

And if my ex gets sick, no way am I paying his bills and I wouldn’t expect him to pay mine! That’s nuts to even think it

It's not a nice thing to say you don't mind your step child being there more

Amazing isn't it - on practically every thread involving a stepmum they're told that they married a man with DCs so of course they should accept they may need to live with them, and then when someone says they're quite prepared to do this that's wrong too

To answer previous quotes

I know what a guarantor is 🙄

He will be tied to her forever - not in the same way as his wife or kids but still linked to her, as their father

Acting as a guarantor for her, to ensure that the woman who carried and raised his children isn't homeless is absolutely the right and reasonable thing to do

Men are terrifying but so are the attitudes on this thread. You don't owe people but doing the right thing matters in life.

Don't have kids with a woman if you'd happily see her homeless in the future

Edit - yes some bad things have happened to guarantors - but if we lived by that logic, the human race would simply die out due to the number of shit people around

@Horserider5678 seems to be an ex wife who is insist her ex husband is no longer finding her lifestyle so she’s here projecting 😂😀😅

I agree. It's not that it would absolutely prevent us but it would certainly (if we ended up having to cover her rent every month) mean we had to seriously consider whether it was do able. If that happened, I'm not a saint, I cannot say I would not be extremely resentful.

I would not act as a guarantor. It can and does go horribly wrong. Liability can be for many months of rent until someone can be evicted and liability can also extend to damage to the property as well. In short the liability is pretty much unlimited. For DCs I reluctantly provided guarantees for an ex, absolutely not, especially one who is poor with money. Elderly DPs could still provide a guarantee or alternatively if a Landlord will agree it is possible to purchase a surety. If she is currently renting from the LA, they also may be able to help.

You're not marginally the higher earner because he's paying maintenance plus half of school uniform and everything else they need.

She really is bad with money if she can't manage on a salary plus the above.

My friend works in social housing. She is a prime candidate for this rather than private rental.

Because they'd rather have the child than help financially for the mum to keep her children with her at least half the time.

You clearly don’t know what it means though. It’s not just covering their rent for a month or two.

And you cannot seriously convince me that you would be willing to financial support an ex partner forever. Easy to say that on a forum

Crazy isnt it. I wasn't even saying it to be nice, it's just something I knew would be suggested and which for me is just a given, if they need to be here more for whatever reason then obviously they can be!