To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

No, I'd be saying the same actually

I'd be saying he has the kids loads, he's a good dad who has struggled, the kind thing to do is act as a guarantor on the proviso that he sorts himself out

Centre the dc.

Unless they have a poor dynamic they’re unlikely to want to see their mum in a flat share.

tbh it doesn’t sound like she’s been reckless. Car finance plus col crisis and not being able to find an equivalent job sounds like bad luck.

I think you’ve been put in a really unfair position here. She needs to find someone else to ask, perhaps someone from her own family.

Can you afford to lose the money?

This was all said after the op

But I still say the same - I'd help her if I was him, as she is the mother of his kids - he will always be tied to her and it's unnecessary to leave her scrambling to find somewhere to live when he can solve thr situation by acting as a guarantor

The poor woman has messed up but doesn't sound like a bad mum to his kids. He should help her

No I wouldn't. She could get ill and you'd be liable for her rent. If she's really in trouble, maybe housing would help with a homelessness prevention strategy?

And how the hell would this provisio be enforced?

The words are meaningless, she could agree to it then anything could happen.

The only enforceable thing in that situation would be the rental company enforcing the guarantor contract.

Would you really get yourself into 10s of thousands of debt for an ex in the name of kindness?

I don't think the ex is a homeowner. OP said her DH moved into a bedsit when he and his ex split up, leaving her in the family home until it was sold. It sounds like the ex has been renting ever since.

She's not just the ex, she's the mother of his children

She's give him her word! Why is everyone so cold, if you have a man's baby, the least he can do is ensure you don't end up homeless

If you can afford to pay their rent and are willing to do so then do it.
If not then it's a disastrous idea.

It's not a nice thing to say you don't mind your step child being there more. The mum not only lost her job, is struggling for money, having to move to a smaller house and now she gets less time with her child as well? Meanwhile you make your house and family bigger.

Acting guarantor for your kids is one thing but to do it for another adult who's crap with money is another.
I wouldn't do it,she's proven to be unreliable, and you have to put your own kids first.

Absolutely do not do this. Had a very similar situation and ended up having to pay monthly rent for another family. Fortunately for us they separated and moved out. If they hadn’t, we would have lost our own home due to our legal obligation to pay someone else’s rent.
I understand wanting to help, but she got herself into this situation so she needs to sort her own solution and take responsibility for her own actions. Don’t be pulled down with her.
I could say so much more but would be outing. Please, please trust me when I say NEVER be a guarantor for someone. If you must help, decide an amount of money you’re willing to gift them (lose forever). Then don’t part with another penny. You don’t know what life holds for yourself either and you need to be future proof.

Sadly, I think she actually would because she's one of a very few people on here who really doesn't understand that being a guarantor could ruin her financially.

It’s never happened to me, but thinking about it, in this scenario DH would definitely say no, but I think I would do it? No, of course you don’t have to, but I think I would. Even now. DSC are adults but exw is chaotic and unreliable . DSC would hate to see her struggle financially though and wouldn’t be able to help, so I probably would, because it would upset them? DH wouldn’t agree though! And yes, it would probably come back to bite me on the arse. I am a guarantor for a couple of people currently, it’s been fine so far but I know it could go wrong.

I think it’s good to consider alternative ways to help. If you can limit the length of guarantor (eg; 6 month) & you could afford at a push to pay that if she defaults, then I would consider that acceptable. But to tie yourselves to paying her rent “forever” if she continues to make poor financial decisions would be foolish. Look at the calculator to see what would be be court ordered maintenance if you needed to drop maintenance to cover rent (the difference is the real amount you are risking)
Perhaps helping with deposit or a very limited time guarantor (not sure if that would be allowed) would be acceptable/worth risking, anything more than that I’d be saying sadly not.

I think helping the mother of your children put a roof over their head is a good thing if u can, but not to support her own poor decisions forever.

I don't think this is a fair thing for her to ask. The document your DH would sign puts your household finances in severe jeopardy. You (corporately with DH, effectively because if he loses thousands you will end up having to make good the difference) are signing to take complete responsibility for her rent when she next gets into trouble (and you know she will).

I think you have to say no, but reassure her that you will ensure the children are never homeless. If she can't secure a tenancy she will need to present herself as homeless to the council and get emergency accommodation. She'll be better off in that as a single person with the children with you, than trying to cope in emergency accom with the kids there too.

And his children will be absolutely fine and won't be homeless.

She can give him her word all she likes, but she can't prevent illness or accidents etc that would leave her unable to work, and leave op and her dh in debt, and the their child will also suffer.

How long do you think ops dh should be responsible for his ex exactly?

He could pay the current child support directly to the landlord and then he only needs to rely on her to pay the balance

He could, but I confess I had to smile about this from the mum's POV
Compared to a situation wheree she kept all the maintenence and perhaps hoped to rely on her guarantor ex for paying the rent I somehow can't see it appealing

I mean op and her husband
they own a house they have an asset

guarantors normally want homeowners mainly because they have an asset and as a homeowner they don’t want to lose it or get a ccj and ruin their own ability to remortgage / get loans in the future

so if threatened as homeowners the OP & her DH will pay up if neccessary

not much point in having a guarantor if they they don’t have anything to lose

So if the mother of his kids gets sick.. he should leave her to it?

His kids should be fine with their mum being homeless?

This thread is a mess. Even having a man's kids doesn't make you important enough to be looked out for in the event of life getting tough

He won't be tied to her in a practical way for very much longer. The DC are teens and they might be living independently within the next 5 years.

Why should the OP and her DH have their own financial security potentially capsized by the ex's incompetence? She didn't need to buy a car on finance and has admitted she's messed up.

Do you understand what a guarantor is? Genuine question?

And he isn’t tied to her forever at all.

It’s a financial risk but I wouldn’t entirely discount the idea. You could end up with the children full time and the mum could end up in a B&B on her own. That’s not the nicest outcome for the children and would be devastating for the mum. I think I’d rather know I helped than watch that happen.

I don’t think that really answers the question though. Did she get a fair split of the assets?
I went into a marriage with £80,000 worth of assets to his 25
And left with 15
I’ve been on the back foot ever since. I’m slowly catching up. But I’m in nowhere near the position I would be in had I never met the man.
I think that matters when making decisions going into the future. Does he basically owe her?