To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

After reading all of your posts, I totally agree with you. I also think you're being very kind, thoughtful and reasonable.

I would definitely not put myself, my household or our future plans in jeopardy for someone who has already demonstrated that she's not responsible with money.

But from your posts I get the idea that you would actually like to help out. Therefore/if so, I suggest offering her cash assistance, a gift, not a loan, of however much you and your husband would be okay with. But absolutely no signing for a lease or a loan or anything at all. And I'd make it crystal clear that it's a one-time gift only, that there won't be any more. And it that's not enough to get her out of the jam she's gotten herself into, well, that's fine. Surely, any amount will help her out some and it's not your responsibility in the first place. Best wishes.

I was in a similar position with (now) ExH some years ago. It was a flat No. with the same caveat to have additional (or permanent) care of the child if required. Genuinely struggling is one thing, the result of poor financial decisions is quite another and there is no way I’d agree to this.

I wonder how many people saying that the OP and her DH should do that would be guarantor for their own exes so that they could get a bigger house so the kids could stay overnight there. Would they fuck. No way in hell and the man would be called a cheeky cocklodging fucker for even suggesting that. Being “impregnated” doesn’t give you some lifelong claim to support against another person. And if you have children, you grow up and take financial responsibility for them.

36k was unpaid rent (16 months) and the rest was legal fees including the landlord’s solicitor’s fees, court fees and bailiff costs. It’s worth noting the 54k is just what the court determined I had to pay out and does not include my own solicitor fees so add on another 5 figure amount on top. Ironically I got off “lightly” as I didn’t have to pay for property damage (landlord was seeking this) and I only had to partially cover the landlord’s solicitor fees and not the full amount; it actually could have been a lot worse.

A big part of the problem is if the tenant refuses to leave willingly, it takes about a year to get them out via the courts and all the while rent arrears keep accruing.

@TulaOfDarkWater What happened with your relationship with that person? Were they at least sorry about it?

You should not have to do anything at all. Your husband, however, should be doing everything in his power to keep a roof over his childrens' heads., and no, you will not be able to just take the children in.
Their mum has rights and it may destroy the relationship between them and their dad if you push for it.

Most landlords would insist on the guarantor and if they do take six months rent upfront, they will ask for another six months next time or a guarantor so it’s really not solving the problem. It’s just kicking the can down the road a bit.

Absolutely no way would I let my DH agree to this. She needs to get some advice on how to manage her money but that's nothing to do with you or your husband.

650 per month for two children, if you are both comfortably off, is the bare minimum. It is financially very difficult being a single parent. Your DH should feel that he wants to help.

"The cost of a rent guarantor service varies depending on the provider, but typically ranges from the equivalent of 3 to 4 weeks' rent, payable as a one-time annual fee. Some providers also offer payment plans or discounts for students. For a £1,000 monthly rent, a guarantor service might cost around £3,000 to £4,000 annually."

Bearing in mind @TulaOfDarkWater's story, where it is the time to evict the tenant that causes the problem, and which the OP's DH's ex might be forced to replicate if she did get herself into shit, even if she didn't want to - I'd say definitely don't be guarantor.

Your DH covers the guarantor service for the first 18 months, during which time she saves enough to cover the following year, looks for a better job, etc, etc.

That way you've done the right thing by both sets of children (one of yours yet to be born).

absolutely not. I would offer to have the kids full time instead

What's the difference between rent and child maintenance paid? Would she agree you pay it directly to the landlord so there's less risk for the rent and being a guarantor less risky?

How much is the rent? Could DH pay his £650 maintenance straight to the landlord and so ex pays the difference
If she was unable to pay the extra at dons point in the future then I wouldn’t be paying the full amount plus maintenance
Ex also needs to go to CAP and CA etc and see if she can get help to reduce debt payments - maybe an IVA or bankruptcy would be better in the long run

no, you will not be able to just take the children in.
Their mum has rights

The children are in their teens. Their mother does not have a right to prevent them from living with their father if they choose to do so. (And vice versa)

Cross posted with last post apologies

The father of her children is OP's husband. If he goes into debt because his ex doesn't pay her rent, that debt will be OP's as well. If he were single it would be his decision. As it stands, it's a joint decision about family money.

If the ex had ended up in the situation despite being responsible with money, then I would think differently, however, this is self imposed. Her actions now have consequences.

It's just too risky.

You say that she's a sincere person, but bad with money. It's a nope from me.

Well here’s number seven. Nope. He has no obligation to step in if his ex is shit with money. His obligation is to his kids and OP has already said she will facilitate that. Have a look through OP’s updates - they’re already contributing a fair bit and the ex has still managed to get into debt. They’ve been divorced ten years - where does it end ? Have you never heard of a clean financial break - it’s there to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen.

Your husband is insane to even entertain this request. Making a financial commitment to someone who can't manage their finances is like locking yourself into a room with a hungry lion.

It’s quite a lot actually. I’m not sure how you class comfortably off but it’s a good amount of money and likely more than the minimum, especially since the DH also has them several days a week and pays for extras.

My income is surely irrelevant to the maintenance he pays?

And considering DC are here just one night a week less than with their mum I really don't see 650 quid plus extras as the bare minimum. It's certainly more than he'd be ordered to pay by CMS.

I don't know what the law is now, but my stepdaughter and her partner didn't marry because her (high) income would have been taken into consideration for the maintenance that he had to pay his ex wife.

That was more than 15 yrs ago, so things may now be quite different.

Look at it this way.

She could be the most financially responsible and astute person imagineable, but she hits a run of bad luck. Extra expenses. Job loss. Ill health. Etc. It can happen to anyone.

She then can't pay rent.

The council will not house her until she's forced out by bailiffs, that process takes many months at best. She would have no choice but to sit right and wait it out, all the time running up your bill. You're on the hook for everything. You're fucked.

It's a very major risk even if she's perfect with money, which she is not.

Don't think you understand how marriage makes assets linked.......or liable for each other.....