To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

I've been that struggling woman.

I sorted it out myself and didn't rely on my ex or anyone else.

Everyone can end up in financial shit yes but that is not the responsibility of an ex from whom you are divorced. Any of my friends could get into financial trouble but I wouldn’t be their guarantor and I wager you wouldn’t either. And those are my friends, not my ex. The beauty of divorce is that you meet your financial obligations to your ex at that time and then you no longer have any.

Be careful saying no though - there will be ramifications if you do which might outweigh some financial constraints
Blackmail? Try and withhold contact with DC if op and her dh don't give her money on demand?

I think it's reasonable not to act as guarantor, as that's not a fixed risk - if she was ill you could end up paying for a long time.

I think your DH should help out with a lump sum to cover the first few months rent - it's housing for his kids, he has a moral responsibility. He can't want his kids to end up in emergency homeless accommodation for half of the week. And the PPs who suggested you take the kids full time and she move into a flat share or studio apartment are not thinking of the well being of the kids.

He could give the necessary lump sum for rent as a long term loan, reducing the child support he pays over a couple of years.

If he gives her a lump sum, you can postpone getting your extension, but you wouldn't have to postpone having another child.

She needs to look at getting her finances in order, and should apply for council housing. Your DH can help her with this if she's not doing it already.

His priority should be his kids having a decent home, and continuing the positive relationship he has with his ex.

How much more than the £650 CM is the rent?

I’m wondering whether there’s something creative that could be done here, if she’s basically a good and trustworthy person.

I've had like 6 people quote me

If you've carried a man's kids and he would see you on the streets, I'm very sorry about that, you deserved better

My point remains the same, that the op is being unreasonable and her husband should do this for the mother of his children, on the condition that she gets her finances sorted.

Those kids deserve a dad who'd ensure their mothers safety.

If you centre the existing dc.

But from op posts ex doesn’t seem like a squanderer. List her job and had a car loan

No not blackmail (though I don’t know her)
But these kids are teens. They move in full time and see their mum struggling it will lead to resentment. And you don’t want resentful teens in your house!
Alternatively they know and vote with their feet and spend less time with the OP and their dad and sibling.
Or she moves further away to more affordable housing thus meaning less contact.

Many scenarios and understanding the full picture and consequences

So no personal responsibility? It's always the 'man's job'?

Of course not.

You're talking like she's a bystander in her own life.

She carried his kids - they are her kids too.

He would see you on the streets - who's fault is it that she made poor financial choices?

They deserve a dad who ensures their mothers safety - and they don't deserve a mum who ensures their safety?

Why is it just their dad who has to step up and fix his exes life?

Well no, if she was impregnated by a woman, I'd say the woman should ensure that she doesn't end up homeless.

Who are you addressing that to?

You can carry on with sentimental claptrap about carrying babies but presumably women also have them because they want them, not just for their partners benefit.

I don’t really care if my ex ever becomes homeless and I think most peo0le are the same. He’s not my responsibility and I’m not his. The kids are OUR responsibility and that’s where it ends. That’s what divorce/separation does.

It’s the woman’s responsibility to sort this out, it’s not a good role model for the kids to see her getting bailed out by someone from her past.
, especially when it affects his current marriage and finances.

@mumofoneAlonebutokay when does the ex responsibility end for his ex.
They've been parted 10 years.
She's not asking for a guarantor because of something out of her control.

Her and the kids are in thos position because of the mum,and no one else.
She's reckless with money,that's nobody fault but hers.
She has to stand up and take responsibility.

OP refers to the SCs mum as her husbands ex-partner, so I take it they weren't married, so no settlement to get. If he owned the family home, she wouldn't have got anything out of it.

Even if they were married and she got a cut of the marital home, OP has been married for over 10 years, so I imagine the kids father was able to buy a house with her, while his ex, as a single woman, wasn't able to get a big enough mortgage for a home for her and her kids on her own.

It's why divorce settlements generally used to allow the mother to stay in the family home till the youngest was 18/finished college, so the kids wouldn't lose their home, as they have in this example.

on the condition that she gets her finances sorted

How do you enforce this though? You're essentially just taking someone's word for it but if they go back on that or something happens it is then too late, you cannot say "but you promised you'd sort it out", it's tough, he's already signed and we'd be liable.

I mean life would be lovely if I could seriously have the confidence in someone's word alone to potentially but 1k a month on the line (more with potential legal costs if it came to that) but I don't think that's realistic. Surely it would make me financially irresponsible as well to just blindly take her word.

No they weren't married and at the time of their split they were both pretty junior in their chosen careers. They split the only asset they had, the house and went their separate ways.

Me and DH bought our home together about 5 years ago.

In the worst case scenario it would be pretty bad as you’d be liable. You need to figure what that will likely cost you.

In the best case scenario where she doesn’t need bailing out, I guess it would be wonderful to know that you had truly been there for someone when they needed it and had made a material difference to their life and their children’s.

Whatever you choose I think it is lovely that you are both even considering it.

OP, would you agree to your DH paying the first few months rent? As a long term loan to be taken off the child support overba periid of time.

This has been suggested by a number of PPs now.

Every man can be in this situation too. I don’t think their ex’s should be responsible for keeping them housed 10+ years after they’ve split up. Especially if part of the reason their housing is in jeopardy is because they didn’t take their financial responsibilities seriously enough.

No, having a man's baby is not a woman's key to lifelong financial support. Only a fool would believe this.

The man only has a responsibility to provide for his children. He is not legally obliged to provide lifetime financial support to his ex-partner.

Again, not herself ? Why do you think she is such a.passenger in her own life? Are you sure this isn't your story?!

Potentially yes but we'd have to have a chat about how much this would work out at.

She literally is just his ex.

Your user name explains your perspective well

@OhYesYouDid0 I think the level of entitlement that @mumofoneAlonebutokay has for your money to pay for an ex's life would cement my firm stance to not take on responsibility for her!