To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

If your friend has already paid for flights I'd say she can come but there will be alcohol there and to check her SW is ok with this. Explain it's going to be help yourself alcohol. If she says yes then I'd say you are ok with it but she must supervise DC carefully at all times.

I'm Welsh. Another week here.

But I am set aflame from your savage witty remarks, once again. Stop it mun, I'm already dead! 🤣

A real friend would no more behave like this.
Disengage from this.

When you eventually step back from this and wake up to the fact that she wants you to put your wedding at risk for her niece you will be furious with yourself for ever entertaining this and actually thinking this is in any way normal.

Julia is extremely selfish and no friend.
The sooner you wake up to the fact the better.

I feel so sorry for your fiancé in all of this.
Such drama.

Salvage what friendship? This is not how a friend behaves.

She (along with her fiance and other guests) stands to lose something a LOT more valuable if Louise and Julia ruin her wedding day.

Why one CF thinks they can jeopardize such an event is beyond me.

Julia has gotten back to me and is not happy at all. Has raised several times in the past when she has been there for me in crisis.

She’d said she’s devastated at my attitude and doesn’t want to come anymore.

She's saying that now. Please don't back down but do be prepared for her to come back at you with more manipulation, blackmail, to get you to say you didn't mean it like that, of course she should still come, please Julia do come, of course you can bring Louise.

Your view seems to be that if the OP doesn't invite Julia, the best friend any woman every had, she will regret it for the rest of her life?

But why should this traumatised young teen , whose own family has broken up, have to attend the wedding of someone they don't know, and deal with triggers like a toddler being present and loving family reunion? How is that young teen going to feel?

Bearing in mind that the OP knows what Julia is like as a parent, and is worried that Julia will have a few celebratory drinks and not look after her niece.

Why are you makeing it all about Julia? Julia is already doing that.

Exactly.

I would not want a suicidal, self-harming, substance abusing binge drinking stranger at my wedding, especially if their carer had a history of getting drunk and shirking her caring responsibilities.

The very idea is ridiculous.

Well solves your problem

but obv get your upset

she doesn’t sound a good friend tbh throwing things in your face

totally diff listening /supporting a friend in a break up v bringing a child to a small wedding where there is booze when she has issues with alcohol

I'm not making it about anyone. It's OP who has to decide if it's worth losing the friendship over. It's whether OP would prefer to sacrifice the friendship for her wedding, her trade off. I just wanted to remind OP that friends like that are a big deal so she can make the right decision for her.

If OP genuinely thinks that Julia is too crap a parent to look after the child then that has bigger implications than the wedding anyway. I hope that if there are genuine concerns then SS are informed so that the child can go somewhere else where she can be kept safe.

It's your wedding I think you can either respond with

• no because it wouldn't be fair on others who are also close friends/family but have arranged to leave their kids at home.
• no because we don't know Louise and it's really close friends and family only

If you are going to say no though, you need to understand that your friend probably won't be able to come. You also need to understand that she may be upset with you and it might be the end of the friendship.

While objectively not wanting Louise there is understandable, Julia has probably been through a tough time taking Louise, maybe doesn't feel prepared to have the change it makes on her life, but didn't feel able NOT to take her. Given this, making Julia feel that she cannot do other things that are important to her because she took Louise, is likely to upset her. If you really want to preserve your friendship, let the girl come.

Yet Julia doesn’t seem to fear losing it, does she?

Oh, did Julia do all those things for you on her wedding day?

No?- then it's NOT the same bloody thing is it and not even slightly comparable.

I'm sure she's been a good friend to you in the past but right now, she's acting like a complete arsehole

If OP genuinely thinks that Julia is too crap a parent to look after the child

Julia could be the best parent out there but Louise would still be a loose cannon. She's extremely troubled and demonstrates some serious behaviours that would challenge anyone, Mary Poppins included.

OP has absolutely questioned her parenting though. If that came across in the message then I don't blame Julia for being upset.

I also don't blame OP for not wanting the child there. But it's not about wanting the child there, it's about perhaps finding a way to make it work so that Julia feels valued and included, OP gets one of her best friends at her wedding (at least for some of the day) and nobody feels like shit.

This would potentially be the end of a friendship.

A good friend would stay friends after the wedding, and honour the OP's reasonable preferences.

Are you suggesting Julia is making OP's wedding day into a pass/fail friendship test?

No no no no no.

it's about perhaps finding a way to make it work so that Julia feels valued and included,
Julia is still not the focus or priority for wedding!

I honestly would express dismay and ask for a break in the friendship.

Why does the OP have to manage everyone else's emotions?

Clue: she doesn't.

Someone needs to ask Julia to back off.

OP needs to be Gloating about the Joys to Come.

And if it all kicks off because Louise can’t cope with what’s going on (and that sounds highly likely), the wedding is spoiled, memories of reuniting with family members and spending time with a terminally ill member of the family - that’s all ruined and then that’s potentially the end of the friendship too.

Why should it be the OP and her family who end up with their day ruined because someone is being a CF?!

Yes, this! OP, Julia is a CF!!!!!!!!

Flowers, perfume, laughter, warmth, funny mishaps that are easily corrected, someone making stupid jokes or a ponderous speech, dancing good and bad, having room service breakfast on a balcony, do you remember conversations...

Taking very necessary time out and time together in a stressful world and then returning to normal life including perhaps being a supportive friend to Julia...perhaps...

I think that Julia might well feel that OP doesn't trust her to keep the child in her care safe, and that might be the end of the friendship.

The wedding itself is not the test, but the fact that OP doesn't think she's sufficiently responsible to make the call. OP has never met the child yet is overruling Julia on what's best for her. That's more the problem.

She is a selfish arsehole! She’s made your wedding all about herself and her needs. Then throwing support freely given back in your face to guilt trip you! She was in the wrong presuming she could bring Louise rather than asking and understanding that it’s OP’s choice, like a normal considerate person. Your wedding isn’t about supporting Julia and Louise. Whadda b*tch!

Why does a wedding become an experimental safe childcare forum?

What a big and fragile ego Julia must have.

No it's not OK to promise a teen with suicidal ideation a treat that's not in your gift. It's not OK to try to have your cake and eat it. Julia needs to concentrate at home on her chosen rescuer role with this teen and not demand a sunny foreign stage to play rescuer on. It's like a bad movie or a Mary Wesley novel.