To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

It reads to me like you just don't want the girl there

And? Who on earth in their right mind would want a traumatised teenager, a stranger to them, at their tiny intimate wedding?

Her "friend" has behaved very thoughtlessly.

Not putting her wedding first and it ending up ruined because of Julia and Louise would probably end the friendship too. At least OP gets the wedding day she wants this way

Yes I reckon the friendship is trashed either way - might as well not trash the wedding too.

It reads to me like you just don't want the girl there and are justifying it by making your friend out to be untrustworthy and irresponsible. Your "concern" essentially boils down to you don't think your friend can manage the situation. That's going to feel like a punch in the face to her.

OK so IF Julia stays sober she can probably stop Louise getting at the wine. She can be completely sober, not have touched a drop for a month. But that doesn't mean she can stop Louise having a meltdown at being away from home, at being with people she doesn't know, at seeing a four year old when she's distraught from missing her own little sister, possibly self harming. No mental health support in the area, the risk of having to take Louise to hospital.

The OP doesn't want Louise there. I think she's right not to.

This^
also it’s not only about you and Julia, there is a vulnerable child involved and as many PPs pointed out attending the wedding abroad doesn’t sound as a good idea for this particular child with her particular problems.

Are you twelve? You can keep calling me Julia or you can post something useful, each to their own.

You have no idea that Julia intends to booze it up at all. You're not giving sensible advice. I know this is AIBU and sensible is rare but this is actually important.

I haven't advised OP to do anything other than think hard. I'm concerned that she's giving up a real friend for a perfect day and that she might regret that. I don't know, maybe she won't, but it's not a decision to take lightly. That's all.

Gold dust...or attracted to drama...

It’s not OP’s fault that Julia decided to set the niece up for disappointment.

She doesn’t want her wedding ruined and her other guests, one of whom is terminally ill, upset because Louise has had a meltdown. Not sure why you’ve framed this as ‘wanting to be the centre of attention’ (as if wanting the focus to be on you and your new husband on your wedding day is somehow unreasonable!).

At this point I'd disengage and ask my other half or mother or anyone to tell Julia to disengage too.

Then I'd apply some eau de cologne and look forward to my wedding.

That's fine, but explaining it as "I don't think it's safe" when you've never met the child, and the woman who knows her best thinks it is safe, is going to go down badly. It's overruling her judgement.

I actually think it would have been less of a hit if OP chose the we've refused close family and it would cause problems route. At least that's not anything to do with Julia's parenting.

Julia has only recently taken this kid on. Nobody knows what her “parenting” is like, not even Julia, really 🤔

She has other kids.

Your posts come across as if you believe that Julia has as equal a say in the wedding guests attending ss the bride and groom do!

Giving up someone so happy to railroad op into a wedding day she did not want, and blackmailing her in the process? Maybe you should grow up and consider the very real risks to this child firstly, as well as the wedding day itself.

The friendship does not come before ops wedding day, her husband to be, both sets of families and a relative that is terminally ill.

Julia is just a friend, nothing more and nothing less. She doesn’t get to dictate to op who attends op’s wedding or blackmail her into doing so. It’s truly awful behaviour, and not the actions of a dear friend.

How? I asked OP to think about whether it's worth losing a friendship over. I've never said anything remotely suggesting it's not OPs decision.

Do you have anything to say on the issue we're actually talking about or do you just want to do playground games with me?

Playground games? Bizarre take!

It’s definitely Julia.

Unhinged responses are a dead giveaway.

OP considers her to be a close friend, one of only two that got a wedding invitation.

I've never said that OP should invite her, but pointed out that she stands to lose something very valuable if she doesn't. Her decision.

@SmithyCakeJun please let any tears out now, then get a good night's sleep and don't think about this again. You have a short time before your wonderful wedding, forget about this and start getting excited for your wedding.

Don't let this overshadow the build up to your big day.

Disengage from it now, don't message her back, just leave it now, you don't need this drama and stress now.

I hope you have a lovely wedding, and cherish those special moments with your families x

What's unhinged? Me thinking that OP shouldn't take her decision lightly?

Playground behaviour to name call.

I’ll be honest, I keep seeing scenarios where Louise has to be carted off in an ambulance or self-harms during the wedding party. This isn’t an unfounded fear. She’s been a bit more stable since moving in with Julia but still gets upset about stuff, particularly regarding the situation with being separated from toddler sister. All it would take is an upsetting text message regarding her little sister for Louise to get into a panic attack at the wedding which is when the harmful behaviour starts. This is why I’m so concerned about there being a toddler present who is the same age as her sister.
Even if Julia were to be completely sober if this happens, it could still become a huge scene.

Honestly, this would be enough to put me off. It’s really not fair on you to expect a volatile guest at your legitimately TINY wedding, especially if it’s likely your friend is going to shirk responsibility to enjoy the open bar.

I’m glad you’ve told her even if it means she’s pissed off and ends up not coming. It’s better than your wedding being ruined - and it would be if you spent the entire time worrying something was going to happen, even if it didn’t!

Based on Julia's last reply the friendship is already lost. The question remains whether the OP understands that before the wedding gets ruined as well.

Well done Op, you did the sensible thing for all parties. Even setting aside the rude assumption that Julia could add to your guest list without asking first.
Of course you're doing what is most convenient for you. It's your wedding and you and your fiancée are the ones paying.
I'm not sure if you've lost a good friend because I'm not sure Julia was one.

Well I suppose that depends on if op wants to salvage the friendship or not. Julia made a very exclusive guest list so it seems like it would be a significant friendship to lose.

Looking forward to going back to school on Tuesday with all the 'playground' comments?

I agree with everything you've written. And Louise is going to be one very disappointed young girl when Julia tells her they're not now going abroad at all. Julia's really rather cut off her nose to spite her face. 🙄