To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Very well said, @OhWhistle

It is your decision whether Louise can attend, but obviously if not then Julia can't. So I trust you will be refunding the money Julia had already shelled out on your destination wedding?

As pp said, did Julia do all those favours for you on HER wedding day, OP??

If she’s bitten off more than she can chew, it’s not your problem to ameliorate.

Why?? OP didn’t urge Julia to foster Louise, nor promise her a plus-one if she did. This is entirely on Julia.

Refunding? How is it refunding if Julia didn't pay the money to the bride?

She can check for emergency or compassionate exceptions with whoever did her booking.

You want to take money away from a new bride to compensate an impossible guest?

Insurance won't cover for "I'm not invited to the wedding any more" so Julia will be left out of pocket. Which would be fine for the minor expense of a local wedding, but the OP chose to swan off abroad for her wedding, and Julia will be left eating the expense.

The problem is that Julia has - without an invitation - decided to take an alcoholic adolescent to a wedding where there will be a free, help-yourself bar. That's doesn't sound very sensible or very kind to a recovering alcoholic.

Wow, have you met this woman? You have a great big opinion for someone who has not.

As I keep saying...

If a way could be found where OP gets her friend at her wedding then that's what OP wanted! It's what OP asked for. So there are reasons to make it work.

If OP doesn't actually care then all is well, but given that there are two friends invited and Julia is one then that's a very close relationship at risk. All parties lose out as it stands.

Julia could still go on holiday with her niece, but omit the wedding surely?

I doubt the OP would be comfortable if Julia and Louise rocked up to the same place, and they kept bumping into each other...

Have YOU met this woman? What makes your opinion more valid than that of the poster you quoted?

Julia isn't thinking straight.

True, but at least she wouldn't have to worry about them being at the wedding.

Yes. Consequences. She's responsible for bearing the cost of her choices. She's not a junior member of the bride's household.

I think we've all met her thanks to you 🙃

I haven't given an opinion on either Julia or the OP though, have I?

Yup. Julia is choosing not to attend.

She could still go on holiday but arrange a chaperone/nanny/supervision for the niece back at the hotel.

That’s life. That’s not OP’s problem to solve.

OP caused it by dumping the cost of a wedding abroad upon guests.

That doesn't make any sense at all. But you do you.

I mean, Julia could have proposed marriage to the OP if her presence had to be deemed essential no matter what at the OP's wedding.

It's a weirdly competitive pick me dance now.

It's not quite the same, but when I got married a childhood friend and her husband heavily hinted that their daughter should also be invited to the wedding.

It couldn't be done - we were at the maximum number for the meal (80 including us). Most of the guests were not people that I would have particularly invited.

It's a long story - my mum and dad insisted on paying, but then had their choice of guests. There were people there that I didn't know. My DH and I did pay for some of it, but without my parents knowing.

Our friends came to the evening reception, not the sit-down meal. My childhood friend was there at the insistence of my father - we'd grown apart over the years, but my dad was friends with her dad.

The only children there were the MOH's 3 and my cousins' children. I figured that it was up to my childhood friend and her husband to organise childcare or to decline the invitation.

Dad wasn't best pleased, but I had to point out that the only way of having the extra child there was to cut one of his friends from the guest list for the wedding and meal.

🤣🤣🤣

Who could have politely declined if they were unwilling and/or unable to travel abroad.

If she was her friends child or adopted daughter, then yes she prob wud have had an invite, and she also wud have met her b4 now, but since the neice has only just moved in with her friend, then it's a totally different situation.