To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Well a falling out was always pretty inevitable. It’s understandable that you wouldn’t want her there. None of us would, but it was always going to be the case of having to chose between the wedding and your friendship.

Can you salvage anything by backing down and apologising, or is the wedding really worth losing a friendship? Only you can decide that one, op!

If anyone needs to take steps to salvage anything, it’s Julia.

I’m so sorry OP, but I think it’s best Julia and Louise just don’t attend your wedding - it’s just too risky. You’ve got the choice of either falling out with Julia now in a managed way, or potentially falling out in a chaotic way that also ruins the most important day of your life. Choose the former and good luck with what sounds like a glorious celebration. You’ve done NOTHING wrong.

This is awful, OP. She put you in an impossible situation and now she’s upset with you for having understandable reservations about it. I hope you don’t lose your friendship with her altogether, but I don’t think she’s being much of a friend to you at the moment, to land this on you just before you get married. She’s clearly been a good friend to you in the past, but imo that doesn’t give her the right to pressure you like this. I think you’ve had some overly harsh responses on here too tbh. I hope this doesn’t mar your wedding too much.

This thread is not about you. It's apparently about @TheWonderhorse

Apologies for the merail. I thought that I was giving a relevant example of declining to have a child at a wedding. Obviously not.

It's your wedding - ideally your once and only wedding. It is not a therapy opportunity for a guest's niece. A guest who by the way is likely to have a few too many drinks to supervise a teenager with an alcohol problem.

There is a huge list of what could go and, in fact, is likely to go wrong. Exactly who will deal with a drunk sad teenager if her aunt is irresponsible enough to get drunk herself. How will you feel if she vomits everywhere at the recrption? If she gets offensive when drunk and causes a scene? Alcohol poisoning is a thing - who is going to be calling an ambulance or sitting with her through the night to make sure she doesn't choke to death on her own vomit?

Just be honest. It's too risky, there's too much booze flying about. No need to dress it up and risk getting into a back and forth about it.

You don't want people you don't know there anyway, let alone a traumatized teen with drink and self-harm issues. If she's a good friend and has even an ounce of common sense, she'll understand.

It sounds like she's already told her though, which is terrible form. Your wedding is a once in a lifetime experience, don't risk spoiling what should should be a beautiful memory.

Just read your update OP. Your friend is not being fair here.

I'm sure you would be there for her in crisis, but this isn't that.

I'd leave it for now, try and resolve it after the wedding.

If you want your friend there, you need to invite her niece.
The problem I see is that Louise abuses alcohol.

I would extend an invitation but be very firm that your friend, Julia, also stays alcohol free for the entire time - as an example to Louise but also to be always sober enough to read her niece and properly attend to her emotional and physical needs. That might mean that Julia and Louise both the celebration earlier. Also say that you would understand if Julia prefers to pull out altogether..

But op doesn't want an unknown anybody at the weddings and am sure neither does dh to be! As pp has said, are they to have unknown Louise in their wedding photos for eternity, or will there be a whole new thread about the fall out when Louise is asked to step out for photos?

Your friend had to remove all alcohol from her house for Louise’s wellbeing.
Now she is asking if she can bring her to an event with unsupervised unlimited free alcohol. Her solution is to leave Louise (who has a recent history of a suicide attempt(s??) and self harm) alone and unsupervised in a hotel room in a country abroad.
Sorry, she sounds completely bonkers. I don’t think she’s been honest with the social worker. She probably presented it as a holiday, not a wedding where Louise had access to unlimited free booze or had to stay alone in a hotel room.
Even without the suicide attempt and self harm history I think it’s bonkers to leave a 13 year old alone in a hotel abroad while goes to a wedding. It’s ok if you just need to pop down to reception or to a shop to get something, but who in their right mind leaves a 13 year old alone for an entire day and night?
Just say no. Explain it’s not appropriate for Louise to be at the wedding (alcohol) and you don’t feel comfortable that Louise would be left alone in the hotel room.

To me this is boiling down for self worth.

Do you deserve a carefree wedding day with your closest family there to celebrate or will Julia be calling the shots?

Are you going to start your married life by putting your husband to be first, and ensure you both have a day you treasure and remember for your entire lives?

Or is Julia going to take that sway by causing this huge ugly scene before the wedding, or by inserting an unknown traumatised niece into your intimate wedding weekend with all the risks that carries?

You are at a crossroads now - on the cusp of a new life and a new chapter. You will wither capitulate, Julia continues to call the shots throughout your wedding and that sets the scene for the new chapter. Or you say sorry Julia, but I am going to have one day that is about my husband to be and I. Our friendship is important to me, but so is my wedding day and I will see you when I get back.

You draw the line in the sand, and you have the day you dreamed of.

It’s a terrible shame thar Julia can
not put you first for one single day op, and send you on your way with good wishes and promises to celebrate on your return. She could organise something for Louise in the meantime. A decent friend would do this in a heartbeat op, and she is anything but. She has made this all about her.

• Boiling down TO self worth

But she isn't either of these things or OP would aldready have a relationship with her. It would be a "no" from me. The whole dynamic of the event would be changed. I note friend has said she will pay for flights, does that mean you are paying for hers OP?

If Louise can't come on the holiday then Julia can't come to your wedding at all.

If Louise can come on the holiday and will be safe and happy if left alone unsupervised for a few hours while Julia comes to your wedding then Julia can attend without Louise.

If Louise needs constant supervision then either Louise has to come to your wedding or Julia can't come. If you would prefer to have no Julia and no Louise then you have every right to say so, it is your wedding day. But you can't make Julia put your wants over the needs of this vulnerable child.

@WearyAuldWumman I don't think the poster was having a go at you; she used your post to point out that @TheWonderhorse is defending the friend (Julia) with such vigour that she might actually be her in real life. Your example was well meant - thank you for sharing it.
Oh and OP, I agree with the majority; this is your day so just for once it really IS all about you. Wishing you and your husband a wonderful wedding and joyous marriage 💕

How can 48% think OP is being unreasonable to not want a traumatised, alcoholic teenager she's never met at her small, intimate, destination wedding?

I think that the OP is paying for Julia to attend the wedding.

@pirateshirt I think it's because it's easy to take the moral "high ground" when you're not actually faced with a self harming binge drinker teenager potentially ruining your very expensive long planned destination wedding. In real life 48% of people would not have this girl at their wedding and people are only deluding themselves they would.

Because they, like Julia are the main character, self involved twattery peddlers who see other people's special occasions as another chance to be 'me centric' and can't understand why they and their offspring are not lauded and celebrated wherever they may go! - see thread where op brought her thrice not invited child to a wedding brunch and burst into public attention seeking tears at being told 'no!' 😬😬

Absolutely!!

BUT this is a big but.... This would only be fine with me IF the young girl could be relied upon to NOT drink AT ALL and potentially permanently ruin your day for a foster arrangement that sounds only temporary. Or if your friend realises she MUST supervise and undertake not to drink more than she would if driving.

Previous experience: many years ago pal worked closely with severely LD person...
Invited said person to her wedding ("as he'd enjoy it..."), ten years on...

The wedding is remembered as the person had to be manhandled to the ground (got spooked by one of the other guests) and tipped over table, they also didn't realise the poor lad had also developed photpsensitive epilepsy so an ambulance was called...
This good deed really derailed the day.

She left the employment within 3 months... (unrelated...)

It's an extreme example... But there is all sorts of potential for what is a temporary arrangement.

Equally I'd explore further.

I think it’s sad that she’s your best friend and you couldn’t pick up the phone to talk to her about this but instead did it over message. I also think your attitude towards your friend is awful, while understanding why you don’t want the niece at the wedding.

It was always likely that this would be the outcome. Louise is not invited therefore Julia won't come.

Only OP knows if she is relieved by this. If you feel less stressed you have probably made the right call for your wedding day. @SmithyCakeJun only you will know whether losing Julia as a friend was worth it.

You made the right decision OP. Regardless of whether anything happened, you’d have spent your whole wedding worrying if and when things would kick off.

Julia was utterly out of line even mentioning it to Louise before speaking to you. That is 100% on her. She’s managed to fuck up her friendship with you and disappoint her vulnerable niece. I hope she does indeed take her on a holiday now that she promised her one.