To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

[ThisSereneSnail]

Split finances = split energy.

This is utter drivel.

Or maybe it’s just that women are finally saying the quiet part out loud and not everyone knows how to handle that. Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

“Some of us value traditional masculine provision” - so why are you asking Mumsnet, then?!

Have a lie down, dear. Think it through a little bit more.

It kind of irritated some of us. I suppose you could call that striking a nerve.

Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

You realise everybody here can see exactly what you are up to, right?

Yes, the nerve it strikes is called "annoyance" in every poster I've seen cooment so far, apart from you.

That’s your opinion, it wouldn’t suit me, I’m fiercely independent and eminently capable of making my own money and providing for myself. I have no desire to ever be reliant on anyone to keep me housed, fed and clothed. What I looked for in a partner was someone who loved me, who I could have a conversation with, who I enjoyed spending time with, who challenged me but in a respectful and considerate way, who was willing to learn and grow with me, who shows me consideration through small acts and wanted to share the household tasks and raise a child with me.

Your choices look horrific to me, just as mine probably look horrific to you.

🤣🤣

I’m not trying to convince anyone, just sharing a perspective that works for some of us. It’s not about “surrendering” - it’s about being intentional with the dynamic you want. A lot of women don’t want to carry half the load and still be expected to lead emotionally and practically too. And based on the replies (both for and against), I’d say the conversation’s more relevant than it looks.

Ah, you are the ‘protect and provide’ poster. Why not go 50/50 on the bills and labour and calm the hell down about the Masculine Provider Energy stuff. It’s tiresome and dates from a pre-modern era.

Lol. No way I'm going to rely on a bloke like that. Bless you OP.

I actually spend plenty of time with real people - including men who do believe in leading financially, not because they’re being exploited but because they value what their partner brings outside of money. The roommate dynamic might protect some people but others find it exhausting, transaction in its own way and low-vibe. We all value different things in relationships. I’m not prescribing a rule - just describing what works for me and many other women I know offline.

Right. So in this nonsense of words…

yes, if one person is doing more of the housework and the other person is doing earning more, than, rather obviously, the latter person will put more in the pot.

but - why would you want to be with someone who thinks housework is womens work?

I really hate the phrase 'show up' when used in the way the OP does. It always gives a sniff of claptrap and it's absolutely reeking here.

What if the bloke is doing most of the domestic stuff, is it okay for him to earn less then?

You’d be surprised how many women on here actually do agree - they’re just less vocal about it because they know this is the tone they’ll get in response. Not everything has to be posted for agreement. Sometimes it’s about saying what others won’t and letting the conversation unfold from there.

“emotional labour… and keeping the relationship connected”

What do these mean?

You do you. But if I cba to have a man, I’d want an emotional mature one.

I’m not “up to” anything - I said what I meant and clearly it has resonated (positively or not). If people disagree, they’re free to say so. But implying there’s some hidden agenda because the post struck a nerve is a bit telling, no?

Or you’re fantasising pathetically about a Big,Strong Man sweeping you off your tiny, pwincessy feet with the words ‘There, there — don’t worry your pretty little head about anything’…?

Grow up, OP.

It’s more that you’ve started several.

You realise absolutely no one so far has agreed with you op?

If a man genuinely wants to take the lead at home - emotionally, practically, domestically - and does so consistently and with intention, then yes, I think it’s fair for him to earn less. For me, it’s less about who earns more and more about who’s leading and what they’re bringing to the table. I value masculine provision but I also value complimentary energy - not two people trying to be the same. The problem is, most of the time women are holding down both: the emotional labour and half the bills.

You really are talking absolute bollocks.

I would change the title to
To think it's OK to cohabit with a man if he's paying the majority of the bills.
Nobody should be saying how the dynamics of other people's relationships SHOULD go.
You do you, we are equals