To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

100% bet that the reason she said no so quickly is because her partner wasn’t invited.

No one needs to give a reason for saying no. Regardless of what they’re saying no to. The pressure of destination weddings should not be under estimated. Go and have the wedding of your dreams but remember, it’s your dream. No one else’s.

I can never understand marrying abroad. Why not just go to that special place for a honeymoon?

I agree. Either that or money.

This. Whatever happened to wanting to be alone together in a romantic location, after marrying locally to home??

Instead of inconveniencing friends and family by doing it the other way around.

You are being unreasonable and clearly don’t have animals. I like that phrase about not going if my dog can’t come. And if you really want to get married, why are you waiting 2 years?! Really don’t get that…

Why on earth would she want to shell out to go to Italy, without her partner, for your wedding?

I doubt it's actually because of the dog.

I wouldn’t look after her dog again as she can clearly leave the dog and go on holiday.

I think I read she had a partner so they could take care of the dog. If it’s finances then say so in a close family group. Your mum said no.

Will she attend UK wedding as who will look
after the dog if her partner comes?

dogs never used to be this anxious. What are people doing to them as puppies to make them so needy?

Does "immediate family" not include their partners? That seems a bit odd, and exclusionary. Maybe she's kind of miffed about that too.

many dogs were but it was ignored. Signs of stress such as chewing or other distruction, howling or barking and soiling indoors were't attributed to the animal's being distressed.

It could be the dog, or it could be that you’re inviting her to a wedding abroad without her partner? I’ve been to a number of weddings abroad (where one or both of the couple are marrying in their home country, not just because they fancy it) and have no problem travelling on my own when I choose to, but if I was invited to a wedding abroad without my DH then wild horses would not get me there. I’m not using holiday money and annual leave to travel without him, no matter how far in advance I know or what the reason is. You’d be reasonable to invite local colleagues to a night do without their partners. You’re unreasonable to ask someone close enough to be your Maid of Honour to travel abroad without their partner, who presumably you know if you’re that close?

She knows she can't get someone else to look after the dog so she told u straight away. Do u want her to take a few days pretending she's thinking of another solution only to say no 2 days later. People know their set up. Stop being offended.

I think there may be more to her excuse than she’s letting on, I’m only saying that because I suffer from anxiety and it’s an excuse I’ve used often
maybe have a little quiet chat with her. X

In my experience anybody who owns a dog puts it above any living, breathing human being. (Which I’m not criticising to be clear, just an observation).

Someone in my family recently had a destination wedding in a nearby European country, and I was surprised by how expensive it would be to attend, even if I got the cheapest of everything. It was hundreds of pounds. I didn’t go, and neither did some other relatives, who also cited their dogs as reasons for not going.

I think she doesn’t want to go a reason she doesn’t want to share, which isn’t necessarily for a nasty reason, so she is leaning on the dog excuse.

I don't see what the partner working has to do with anything, most people who have a dog are not there all day for it, as most people also have jobs and are working all day!

why? whatever the reason, she has been asked would she go and said no. Is that not enough?

@godmum56 i only said that because of how I react, just that maybe she said no as an initial reaction. Life is very different when anxiety makes you say something but your heart wants to do something else. That’s all, I wasn’t saying that she needs to put pressure on, or not accept the no.

As the others have said, it’s a risk when you have a destination wedding not everyone can afford or make it (and they do not need to explain why!

annual leave, childcare, pet sitters, health, relationship difficulties - all valid reasons!
I have a dog too as do my parents- they live abroad and I am in the UK. We don’t spend Christmas together because of the dog! (they won’t leave theirs and I won’t leave mine). I am not upset with them nor are they upset with me!

we are still family and find other times in the year to see each other. As much as I love my dear husband i don’t trust him with our dog and I still feel like i need to supervise him when he is looking after her. He will take short cuts…not stick to routine, walk her and feed her at odd times etc perhaps this is the same with her partner? Congrats by the way on your engagement

This.
If you want to.marry abroad, don't expect people to come.
Aso g as your there, that's all that .matters.

You really can't see that planning this without letting her have her partner is really bad? Family or not I wouldnt go either. You are asking people to send money and annual leave. Ok if they can afford it, or actually want to. But certainly not cheaper for them as you said about yourself!

This would be reasonable. Most people, even close family won't want to spend thousands of pounds to travel to Italy for your wedding plus give up their own holiday most likely because all their holiday fund will have been spent going to Italy.

YANBU to be upset but she is not being unreasonable to say she can’t come. Even if the real reason is simply that she doesn’t want to.

we had a small wedding in Italy. We only invited the people we genuinely would be sad not to have at our wedding. So when some of them couldn’t come (for varying reasons) I was gutted. But you have to respect their decisions, rather than questioning whether their reasons are good enough. If you cannot conceive getting married without this person present, then you can’t get married abroad.

to be honest, having a party at home after the event will mean some people don’t feel it is that important if they miss the abroad ceremony (and vice versa).

You say you didnt have any expectations but you clearly did otherwise you wouldn't be upset. In all your updates you have completely ignored people saying not inviting her partner is out of order.