To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

I would never go to a destination wedding. I prefer to spend my money and annual leave on my choices not indulging someone else's. The dog thing is just an excuse. You say you've given 2 years notice, so? what that people can put aside their hard earned cash to indulge your fantasy? Weddings are expensive enough to attend in the UK. You are being precious.

I know you said it wasn’t an invitation but more of a “who would like to come with us if we do this?” but truthfully there’s no polite way of saying “No thanks, I’ll pass”.
I was asked if I would come to a cos wedding in Bali. I didn't think it was a serious invite as it was said at work adressed to everyone in ' whose coming then? I said' no, not me' I was asked why not anti I said. I don't want to spend that much on a colleagues wedding, I don't want to give up my annual leave and I've never wanted to go to Bali.
At that point I realised it was a serious suggestion and I perhaps should have had more tact!!

Yes, YABU. You have no idea if the dog is the real reason or not (funds? Phobia of flying? Or maybe it really is the dog) You chose to get married abroad (as did I) so you have to consider any guests to can incur the expense in joining you as a bonus

Gently, weddings are like kids parties to some people.

You go for the food and drink, drop a present off then wait until it's finished so you can get on with what you want to do.

Sure some people love weddings, but to be honest they are boring.

She may be using the dog as an excuse due to phobia of flying? Or financial difficulties she is embarrassed by? But, tbh, some people's dogs are like their children - I have 2 rescues and would be hesitant to go, as I know they would suffer without me.

Why?
I wouldn’t leave my dog to go abroad?
no chance

It’s very entitled to get annoyed when people say they can’t come to a destination wedding. It’s a huge expense, impacts on the whole family if it wipes out a persons holiday budget for the year, people have to use leave and yes leave pets. It’s all very well for you to dismiss her dog as a reason- but perhaps her partner won’t look after it for the whole duration, he has to work and some dogs genuinely can’t be left alone all day. So is he to take leave as well? Boarding out dogs is expensive and doesn’t suit every dog.
Adjust your expectations.

There is nothing wrong with asking your family if they’d be up for coming to Italy wjth you. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If they say no, fine.

Except that you started this whole thread to say how pissed off you were with our sister when she said she couldn't come to Italy - for what you're now telling us will be a party.

Hypocrisy, much?

Just go to Italy for your honeymoon and stop behaving so childishly.

No offence to you personally, OP, but unless you move in millionaire circles I think destination weddings are ridiculous and so many people are excluded. If you want one, fair enough go ahead and do it but don’t expect everyone will jump with joy to shell out £xxxx
Have your wedding in Italy but don’t expect more than handful guests to join you.
Its possible that your close relative’s reaction was an immediate knee jerk reaction to something she found unreasonable.
It’s possible that some people look on it as a rejection..

If you want a foreign destination wedding you really can’t expect anyone to go. I’m assuming you’re not paying for their flights, accommodation and other costs? She probably realises she can’t afford it and doesn’t want to use up precious annual leave from work to attend and is using the dog as an excuse. Why not just you and your fiancé do your Italian ceremony and honeymoon and take the huge financial and time pressure off your family and celebrate with them back at home afterwards.

A wedding of a friend, her mother and partner couldn't stay long 'because of the dogs' They stayed 4 hours.
She was gutted. & hers was a uk wedding.
Understand how you feel, but the dog may not be the real reason.

Yanbu for being upset that ppl aren't jumping at coming, but some people are weird and don't like to travel op, they almost feel weird and anxious about it like they don't belong out there. If you don't have lots of natural travellers in your friendship group then you won't have a big wedding abroad x

Silly comment people get married all over uk trains can be more than flights

Ok so you thought it might work but wanted to check so asked people. People said no including your sister.

stop being weird about reason.

Let's be clear. Destination weddings are self indulgent and selfish. Unless you have any connection by heritage in the place you are getting married in, then you really can't except people to pay thousands of pounds out their own pocket to see a two minute civil marriage under a marquee. Go there on honeymoon like any normal person, and have your two minute vows in a paper thin marquee in this country. Do it in July and hope for the best.

Her real reason is the cost. Yabu.

I didn’t realise until a later update that for the intimate, Italian celebration, your Dsis was expected to pay to come to a ceremony to celebrate the union of a couple, without her other half!
Even if she could afford it, why would she choose to do that.
I might be minded to make your wedding or ceremony or whatever my holiday, but not if I wasn’t allowed to take my other half and stil pay for the privilege.
You were lucky to get an excuse rather than some home truths.

Glad you changed the plan OP.

Your comment is silly because loads of people drive. Also, no one has to say yes to a wedding invite.

I'm a bit torn on this. On the one hand, I think destination weddings are a bit daft and you can't really assume anyone can come if that is what you choose. On the other hand, I never really understand people who allow their lives to be ruled by their pets. It seems to me that ultimately unless you are prepared to train your pets so that you can still, within reason, live your own life, it's pointless having one. In your sister's case, she would help herself if she could get her dog used to being looked after by someone else or going to kennels. So, on balance, YA (just) NBU.

I get what you’re saying. My best friend had a destination wedding, she and her fiancé paid flights and accommodation. Her father and SM refused going because of the dog. He even didn’t want to go without his wife because of the dog. My friend was really hurt. It was like an arrow through her heart.

I’ve seen how such a rejection feels. People are missing the point: you’re not being unreasonable about the way it made you feel.

I wouldn’t leave my partner out of a destination wedding either even for close family. it would feel exclusionary and if I’m going abroad I’m bringing partner and child with me.

Kindly you’re being silly.

So it's ok to say you fear flying or haven't got the money but not because you don't want to leave a dog? You can't judge people's reasons - they're entitled to see these as barriers for themselves or they maybe just be saying the first thing they can think of because the real reason is they don't want to. Whatever, without enthusiastic consent, it's a no.

I don't think you should have posted really because given that 3 out of 6 (?) people have said no, your sister's response is irrelevant. Why aren't you chiding your mother that she has two years to save up or DP's grandma to go to hypnotherapy to overcome her fears?

Each reason = I don't want to.

This ^

My in laws didn’t come to our wedding because they wouldn’t leave the dog alone and we married an hour away from them. We suggested they come to maybe just the ceremony or reception but refused point blank No backstory to it just wouldn’t leave the dog. Mind you my father in law was in hospital for 8 months at deaths door and mil didn’t visit once cause of the dog. Weird people anyway we now have the dog as they both passed away and we leave her all the time and she’s fine

Why can't the real reason be the dog?