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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
Digby86 · 20/04/2025 21:15

Oh and we also paid for accommodation for our guests (and flights for our parents) and provided meals for the duration of the trip, to try and minimise financial costs for people. It’s a big ask of time and money and while people are often willing to give their time to the people they love, money is often a more practical issue

PorridgeEater · 20/04/2025 21:16

Seagreensmokeyblue · 19/04/2025 08:15

Tbh OP "dream weddings" may seem the most important thing in the world for the bride, and possibly the groom, but for a lot of the other people who are expected to be involved they are actually a real problem. A cause of a lot of expense, inconvenience and calls on their time which they could do without.

If someone doesn't want to attend, for whatever reason, I don't see why the onus should be on them to do so.

This is so true, as are similar comments.

Cookiebix · 20/04/2025 21:17

FWiw I don't think you can have a wedding abroad and not invite partners TBH.

What she should have said is no I don't fancy it much thanks. Would that have been better?

scotstars · 20/04/2025 21:32

Do.you think the dog is the real reason? You are not unreasonable to be upset but likewise she doesnt need to attend. With 2 years notice and asuming she could attend even on a shorter basis like a weekend is it possible something else that she doesn't want to tell you maybe planning etc?

Edited to add just because someone can afford something doesn't mean that's what they want to spend money on.1A friend was planning a destination wedding everyone invited could afford it but most declined there were a range if reasons but essentially most just didn't want to go

CheeseWisely · 20/04/2025 21:40

I’ve just caught up and now realise it’s your Sister. In which case not inviting her partner is even more wild! What were you thinking??

croydon15 · 20/04/2025 21:44

No because of the dog who can't be left, so what is she going to do with the dog while she is at your wedding in UK, bring the dog with her ? I would be hurt and annoyed too.

JustSawJohnny · 20/04/2025 21:47

As soon as you decide to have a destination wedding you are going to get people opt out.

I agree that the dog reason sounds like an excuse, especially this far ahead, but whatever the reason you're given, it's valid and you have to accept it.

PorridgeEater · 20/04/2025 21:53

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:23

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

Show quote history

So you would be there with your partner but others would not be allowed to have their partner with them? Does this not sound rather unfair? Your friend may not be the only one who would not want to go!

CraneBeak · 20/04/2025 22:19

I think you're right to be hurt that your own sister wouldn't attend your wedding because of a dog

Judecb · 20/04/2025 22:51

Getting dog care is easy.

Currygirl · 20/04/2025 22:57

MyUmberSeal · 19/04/2025 08:15

Honestly, weddings abroad are a total ball-ache (in my opinion, I am totally on board with others who find them a joy), I would use any excuse going to get out of it. In the kindest way, people don’t feel the same sense of profound occasion that the bride and groom feel about their wedding day. This can be hard for people to reconcile sometimes.

2 years notice.....that might be enough notice in your eyes, but in my work place I can't book holidays beyond the end of the year.
Also planning holidays roundabout a dog is a real thing

Thistlewoman · 20/04/2025 23:28

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

Listen dear, not everyone wants to/is able to spend a lot of money/use up holiday leave just so you get to pose for some nice wedding photos. If you really want a small family event what is stopping you doing it nearer home. You can then go to Italy with whoever want to spend their time/prdcious money on your dream..sorry but I have no sympathy for your pity party.

ErinBell01 · 20/04/2025 23:31

If people aren't used to going abroad, or have got out of the habit because of Covid, or even because they have a dog, it's a huge effort to think of going abroad. I think they are more likely to make up an excuse not to go rather than confront the reality of actually getting themselves there. I can sympathise, we've not been abroad since Covid, a mixture of a dog and getting out of the habit. If someone invited us to a wedding abroad I think I'd say no, but with some help and encouragement I'd probably get there - FOMO!

Thistlewoman · 20/04/2025 23:32

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:20

im pretty sure she can afford it because she would only need flights as the packages that I’ve looked at include accommodation, and I’ve given 2 years notice. still, if finances were the reason, I would understand. That’s why I asked people first rather than just going ahead and booking it, because I know everyone’s finances are different.
However that isn’t the reason she has given me. And we tell each other absolutely everything and there’s been times in the past where she’s said “ah sorry I can’t make that, I won’t be able to afford it yet as I’ve just paid for this” she is upfront with me, and I was planning on her being my maid of honour. So I won’t be having it abroad anymore but I just feel a little hurt by it. Not enough to cause drama but.. just wanted to see if my feelings are justified or if I’m being silly

Show quote history

Maybe she doesn't want to just say 'I can't afford it'??? The dog is a convenient excuse. Just deal with it and move on. Not everyone loves weddings tbh.

DietQueen2023 · 20/04/2025 23:40

CraneBeak · 20/04/2025 22:19

I think you're right to be hurt that your own sister wouldn't attend your wedding because of a dog

I agree with this

Thistlewoman · 20/04/2025 23:43

CraneBeak · 20/04/2025 22:19

I think you're right to be hurt that your own sister wouldn't attend your wedding because of a dog

It's NOT the dog. Sister had other reasons tbh.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 20/04/2025 23:46

Either the dog is just an excuse and she doesn't want to give the real reason, or the dog is the real reason.

No one k ows what goes on behind closed doors, for all you know, she may be planning to split from her husband or the dog may be causing friction between them. Perhaps they got the dog on the agreement that it was her dog and she needs to sort it 100% and she doesn't want to kennel it.

Or maybe she just doesn't want to go to Italy.

T1Dmama · 20/04/2025 23:46

When we got married we invited my FIL & his wife who I get on with very well. They were both very excited… the following day when we went there to say bye (they live the opposite end of the U.K. to us) she said she’d thought about it and wouldn’t come as needed to stay with their dog!…..
I understood this and said we’d miss her being there and that was that..
If someone close to me invited me to a destination holiday and my parents were also invited I would decline the invite because I have 2 dogs - it’s not about the money but I wouldn’t leave them with dog sitters or put them in kennels…. They are my dogs and I love them and wouldn’t leave them with strangers….
if my parents weren’t invited they would look after them for a few days, but any longer than that would be too much for my parents atm as they are caring for my elderly Nan, and the dogs are an extra thing for my poor mum to do.

In your shoes I would just send her an invite, expecting her to say no anyway, but you’ve invited her and that way the ball is in her court whether she can find a friend to let the dogs out during the day - if she wanted to come she would find some way,
you’ll have a few people not come that you’ll be surprised about… let it go over your head and remember that it’s about your and your fiancé and everyone else are just witnesses really

Thistlewoman · 20/04/2025 23:46

Judecb · 20/04/2025 22:51

Getting dog care is easy.

Which is why Sister has obvs hit different reasons for not being there. The dog is NOT the issue. Obvs.

Judecb · 20/04/2025 23:50

I'm sorry that I hadn't understood this. But thank you for your aggressive reply. You can can always count on Mums Net members to be be abusive. đź‘Ť

CommonAsMucklowe · 21/04/2025 00:11

Notice doesn't mean anything, if you can't or don't want to go for whatever reason then it really doesn't matter when it is. She will be at the actual wedding so why drag your arse abroad after that?

CommonAsMucklowe · 21/04/2025 00:13

Sorry just read it's the other way around, wedding abroad and party here. But at least she can celebrate at one part of your nuptials.

Tristan5 · 21/04/2025 08:05

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

What you’re failing to recognise is that some people adore their pets and would never leave them with others. We’re just the same.

Pliudev · 21/04/2025 08:09

When I got married (granted for the second time) my parents said they couldn't come because their Dachsund had 'women's problems'.

Nominative · 21/04/2025 08:09

Tristan5 · 21/04/2025 08:05

What you’re failing to recognise is that some people adore their pets and would never leave them with others. We’re just the same.

Show quote history

If you adore your pets, I can't see that you're doing them any favours making them so dependent on you. You're just storing up trouble if either you or they are ill and you have to be apart.