14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

It's not the hill I feel sorry for.

Most of all, I hope her father remembers he was her father first and she is not equal to his step daughter.

Equally, OP will now always remember that her own daughter comes first and is not equal to her step-daughter.

But she is dying on that hill, she’s refusing to attend her DSD’s wedding, a decision which has aged her DH overnight,

It is ageist.

And yet he has refused to insist OP’s daughter be invited, pull funding, or prevent her from having a relationship with her sisters.

OP has the power to remove herself and her eldest from being in the stepdaughter’s company. She doesn’t have the power to deny her stepdaughter access to her father’s home, nor to prevent a relationship between the sisters. Why would OP need to facilitate it? Nothing she has said suggests her husband would be either unwilling or incapable.

She said they weren’t really related. When she was told I wouldn’t go without her she said my daughter obviously had another family.

My youngest children aren’t stupid. They know the two older ones aren’t related to each other.

They are related. Your DD is the sister of SD's sisters.

Your SD is excluding her sisters sister from her wedding, after inviting everyone else from that household. That's really quite mean.

Being related means "belonging to the same family" or "connected by kinship or marriage",

SD is related to your DD by both marriage and through kinship. They are not directly related genetically, but they are related through their shared sisters. They belong to the same family, whether she likes it or not.

That’s a different hill.

She can of course refuse to attend the wedding. What she can’t do is unilaterally ban her stepdaughter from entering the home she shares with her husband.

Who do you think the half-sisters will be closer to, a half sister they don’t live with, or their mum and the half-sister they live with?

Previous poster has given examples of how a step-mum typically facilitates family life. You really think OP will want DSD over for Sunday dinner, Christmas, Easter etc? If OP is hosting, her husband won’t be able to force OP to invite DSD. He can host himself but how often will that happen.

She can leave him to host his own daughter. How often do you think that would happen?

The SD credits the OP for making her dad a better person - I presume a better dad too. I'm willing to bet good money that's because the OP sorts his shit out for him and facilitates his relationships in many little ways that add up to a significant improvement in the way he conducts himself and the impression he gives to others. I wonder how long that would last if she stopped making an effort on his behalf? He's already panicking because he can't deal with his 2 younger daughters at the wedding without help.

He did not commit to forcing his child to take his wife's child's feelings into account and more importantly his child committed to nothing in relation to his wife or her children.
Ultimately his priority is his child over his step child.
I don't imagine there will be any lasting impact on step child. She may be disappointed now, but in the longer term she will understand that she didn't have a relationship with her stepfather's daughter and that his child had absolutely no say over who he introduced into her life.

As often as he and she want it to, I imagine. Perhaps he already has an open door ‘come over when you feel like’ policy.

Again, not sure why you think OP would be required to facilitate it.

Such immature, defiant claptrap.

They had no issue maintaining a relationship for the decade OP wasn’t on the scene, and nothing she has said suggests he isn’t a proactive parent to her, or that he needs OP to oversee the relationship.

The most he’s said about going to wedding with the youngest daughters is that an aunt will help keep an eye on them whilst he’s performing father of the groom duties. That isn’t panicking.

I completely disagree. His stepchild will always remember how she was treated as being lesser than, not a full member of the family.

Only OP could say, but I would be surprised if this man hosts dinner for DSD.

I don’t think he could dictate that DSD comes over whenever she likes it if OP is the one cooking. Different if he cooks for her.

Agreed. Hence him having ‘aged overnight’ at his previously agreeable wife’s refusing to fall in line and attend his daughter’s wedding.

I have no idea, given that I don’t know the man any more than you do.

He doesn’t need to force OP to invite her. He can invite her. Again, he’s made it clear already that he isn’t going to prioritize OP over his daughter, and if he perceives her as hostile to his daughter then that could very quickly lead to marital breakdown. It’s up to OP whether she wants that or not.

That’s the point, he can’t invite her without OP’s agreement if OP is hosting.

Just because a woman refuses to cook for her grown up step-child, it does not make her ‘hostile’. She is just giving the DSD the relationship she wants i.e. not family.

If OP was willing to bend over backwards for her husband, she would attend this wedding. But she isn’t, so she’s not the push over her husband and step-daughter think she is.

Why? Because you want to believe that?

Of course he can dictate his daughter can come over whenever she likes.

I would have something to say if my DH wanted to host someone in our home whom I didn't want to have near me!!

It's immature claptrap to think you can force a relationship between your children and your new husband or wife's children just because you marry.

I said ‘I don’t think’. We’re all just debating here, no one knows anything for sure.

But no, I don’t think he can dictate his dd joins for meals that OP cooks. Why do you think OP has no agency here?

Yes, he can. OP hosting does not prevent his daughter from being in her father’s home.

I said if he perceives her as hostile. If he perceives her as unwelcoming to his daughter. Right or wrong, justified or not, this could end in marital breakdown. OP doesn’t need to roll over, but nor does her husband. Like I said, this is a recipe for discord and could very easily lead to marital breakdown. It’s up to OP if that’s an outcome she wants or not.

I haven’t said she lacks agency. I said she cannot ban his daughter from her father’s home. That does not mean Op has to cook for her.