14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

Your husband really needs to raise it again with the bride. Point out how difficult and hurtful it would be, and gently remind her that he’d be the one paying for your daughter’s dinner anyway, so what difference would it actually make to the bride if she attended? He’s not asking for her to be included as a bridesmaid- bride and groom would probably barely notice she was there. You need to insist he asks her again.

Look, if OP is really concerned about this, her choice is to leave the marriage! I have hesitated to say this. Op is either going to suck it up or pack her bags. Ruining the wedding of a 29 yo hurt woman is just as bad. DH not knowing what went wrong and being unable to be there for his 3 kids at same time because op is not there is just bad. Unfortunately this is the cross they must bear. Grin and bear or pack bags. There’s no middle ground it’s too late! Years of hidden hurt can’t be undone over night this late either. Yes, it’s all very sad!

I wouldn't have any photos up in the house tbh. I wouldn't have any hurtful reminders for your DD. I wouldn't have DSD in the house again either. @Ombreofmyself your DH and your younger DDs can meet up with her elsewhere.

I think it's too late for an invitation now anyway. It would just be uncomfortable. As your DDs appear to also be 'othered' in terms of where they get ready, maybe you could pop in and see them there?

Of course this is a logical reason. Many of the guests not related to the bride will be important to either her or her fiancé and therefore she or he will want them at her wedding. There will also be blood relations invited who she is not especially close to, but with whom she has a history especially during her formative years. She is perfectly entitled not to invite someone who is neither related nor important to her or her fiancé irrespective of the age of that person.

The only thing that I am lacking is tolerance for people like you who live in the dark ages.

For the bride the 14 old is only the child of the woman married to her father. She does not consider her family and probably doesn't consider the OP family either. She doesn't have to. It sounds like she doesn't have any ill will but nor does she feel particular warmth to wards them. She does not have to. She does not have prioritise the 14 year olds feelings on her wedding day nor does she have to prioritise the feeling of her father's wife.

@NurtureGrow I missed it when you posted but have just seen it quoted that you suggest OP shows her DH this thread! If I was him reading this pile-on I would be pretty livid as the OP, while she hasn't added to it, hasn't defended her SD from all the name-calling. I imagine reading this would entrench his opinion that he needs to support his dd in her wishes, especially if he feels guilty for his lack of parenting in the past, which I suspect he does which is why he is paying.

If you call having consideration, diplomacy and manners "living in the dark ages", then I am happy to reside there. Carry right on being ageist though. Speaks volumes about your character. I probably have knickers older than you.

She doesn't have to "prioritise" anyone. She needs to invite her stepsister so as not to upset her and make her feel like she doesn't belong and to keep the peace in the family. She is prepared to drive a juggernaut through that. I hope she is prepared for the consequences.

Oh god definitely do not show your DH this thread!!!

What negative consequences for her, exactly? Not having a relationship with two people she’s not particularly bothered by?

Her father isn’t going to ban her from his home, nor deny her a relationship with her half sisters.

Because the two versions are incompatible. It makes sense that the OP’s daughter’s feelings might be more towards one end of the scale, but not that they would be at such a total extreme. She might have thought she had a better relationship with her stepsister than this, but on the other hand, if all you get from someone on your birthday is “Happy birthday mate”, that doesn’t suggest virtual siblings.

The OP can rightly ban her from her home - her DH doesn't get to override that if the OP is uncomfortable. And she can refuse to facilitate a relationship with the two little ones. No invites for Christmas, or Sunday lunch. Her father can go out of his way to arrange it. I'd be done. DSD has shit on them ALL from a great height by excluding a member of their family.

The groom not knowing the SD has a step sister doesn't mean the SD and the 14 year old have hardly seen each other. For a start, we don't know when the "groom" was introduced to the family. You are assuming it's recently and the SD has spent years hiding the fact she has a step sister. He may have been introduced to them when he was merely the boyfriend, after a few weeks/months into their relationship, when the two of them were still getting to know each other, let alone each other's wider family.

Second, SD is close with and dotes on her little sisters. So when was that relationship being developed, and where was the 14 year old when that relationship was being developed? Surely not banished from the home each and every time over 9 years the SD was there forming this close bond with the younger two.

Third, has the OP stated the SD never lived with them? No she hasn't. I presume the SD went to one of her family homes during her uni holidays. She may well have lived with them.

Fourth, we know for certain SD went on holiday with the OP and her daughter at least once - when the OP's daughter was 11, making the SD 25. Why would the SD be going on holiday at the age of 25 with family members she isn't close to? The OP says "on holiday once". That implies to me there have been more than once holiday. There may well have been many such holidays for you you know.

Fifth, why do you think you know how the OP's daughter will feel better than the OP. And what makes you think she'll hardly know anyone at the wedding? What makes you think she hasn't got to know her step-father's other family along with her mother and younger siblings? Just because the step daughter is cold doesn't mean the rest of them are.

Lol, no, she can’t. It’s equally her husband’s house, and she cannot unilaterally ban his daughter or prevent him from inviting her for Christmas and birthdays.

That’s just wishful thinking on your part.

How absolutely and utterly clueless.

LOL, it's equally her house too. She can make it plain that DSD is not welcome. How do you expect OP to rub her DD's nose in it by inviting the woman who excluded her from her wedding?

I can tell you something - if there was someone not welcome in my house, my DH would respect that and not invite them!!! If the DH were to ride roughshod over that as well as backing his horrible DD, well then I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship!

The DH can invite her all he wants. Doesn't mean the OP has to be present

The OP can rightly ban her from her home - her DH doesn't get to override that if the OP is uncomfortable.

But the OP DOES get to override her husband if he says “No way are you telling me I can’t invite my daughter to my own house”? Come on, think it through logically.

Actually as the one paying, he is technically the host (the B&G are guests of honour) and can invite whomever he pleases. To bad he doesn’t grow a spine.

I can tell you something - if there was someone not welcome in my house, my DH would respect that and not invite them!!! If the DH were to ride roughshod over that as well as backing his horrible DD, well then I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship!

I think he might be too - but for different reasons.

And? If he was trying to stop her inviting someone over, she could override that too 🤷🏻‍♀️

She cannot stop her husband having his daughter over, whether you like it or not. She could be overtly hostile, sure, but that could very likely spell the end of her relationship. That may be an acceptable outcome for you, but it doesn’t sound like OP wants that.

She’s already said her husband wouldn’t allow her stopping the younger two from attending, so I’m not sure why you think her DH would be inclined to fall into line, even if yours does.

Well they can't have it both ways can they?

My DH sees his sibling away from the house. They have treated me and our family like shit over the years, which he well knows but he still wants a relationship with them. Wouldn't invite them to our home.

If it were the other way around though.... If someone you love, like your child, did something unpredicted and inconceivable and yet they still did it... Would you banish your child from your own home to appease a partner? Even if the partner was the victim and your adult child was in the wrong. If she gets pregnant, would you expect him to never see his grandchild in his own home? I don't think that situation could last. Or maybe the relationship wouldn't as you have suggested.

Perhaps my DH is just considerate of my feelings. Most families only invite people into their home that everyone is comfortable with!

I certainly wouldn't be making my DD feel lesser by inviting this person who has treated her shabbily into her home. If the OP doesn't stand up for her DD here, who is going to?

Where is the ageism? Outdated concepts of obligation aren't the preserve of the elderly.

The OP needs to hand this matter diplomatically with her daughter.

The bride doesn't have invite the 14 year old. The 14 year old is not part of her family and is old enough to understand that it is not personal.

The OP has made the brides wedding all about her daughter, even thought she has acknowledge that the 14 year old has no relationship with the bride.

As others have said it speaks volumes that the OP has not challenged the malicious things said on this thread about the bride. It would been possible for the OP to respect the bride as a decent human being but disagree with the decision she has made about inviting the 14 year old. That has not happened and it speaks volumes about the OP. As does her expectation that the bridge invite other people with whom the bride has no relationship.

It's not ever going to happen to me because DH and I have been together for 40 years and have three adult DC together, and there will be no partners because if DH left me tomorrow, I wouldn't be arsed with another one!

OP's DH is at liberty to see his DD in her home, or elsewhere. If I were the OP, I wouldn't be making my own DD feel uncomfortable by having this woman in my house, period.

A decent man would not withdraw funds from his own daughter's wedding to support his wife and step child. That might make him a good partner in your eyes, but a truly horrific parent in mine.