Page 31 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 19/04/2025 00:04

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 23:52

Nineteen year olds are still very vulnerable and need to know they can go home and get parental support if they need it.

If both your parents shack up with new partners and start having second families when you’re that age, you can suddenly find yourself with no home to go to, no bedroom, and with parents who have no time for you.

Perhaps you don’t remember being 19, or haven’t parented a 19 year old yet. They might seem very grown up and self sufficient but they still need the security of their parents. Parents remarrying and starting new families at that age can feel very much like an abandonment.

I love that you’re making me out to have no empathy when you are showing a remarkable lack of empathy towards the bride, whose choice not to invite her stepsister to her wedding is, while not exactly a pleasant thing to do, clearly the result of how she feels about her father’s remarriage. She’s obviously not had an easy time of it, otherwise she wouldn’t feel as she does about her stepsister.

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For the love of god, will you stop making scenarios up?!!

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 19/04/2025 00:04

Nant90 · 18/04/2025 23:53

Everyone piling on and calling this young woman a bitch, cow, cunt, stunted and gleefully imagining never speaking to her again, not helping her in any way in the future all makes for deeply unpleasant reading. I also find it a bit odd to call her a step-daughter when there has never been any kind of maternal relationship there as she was an adult when they met. I appreciate there isn't really another convenient term to use but it doesn't really describe their relationship.

She didn't meet the OP until she was 18/19 as OP terms it and by that point her parents had been divorced for 10 years and she has also intimated he wasn't a great father, OP's eldest has probably spent more time living with this man than the step-daughter and, while that's not her fault, there may well be resentment there. I also wondered if there are step-children on her mother's side and on the part of her husband-to-be, who also may have 2 sets so they may have taken the decision not to invite any?

Overall, I do think it would be better if the eldest was invited and I wonder how much effort the husband made to arrange it, but I don't think it's the outrage some people seem to see it as and it does not excuse the way people have spoken about this woman on here, which has been really horrible to read.

Completely agree with all you have said. The fact that the groom to be was not even aware of 14 year-old's existence just suggests that they have no relationship.
But the name-calling on this thread is particularly rough today. I can only imagine that there are a lot of touched nerves and projected emotions tonight

Usernamexyz1 · 19/04/2025 00:06

I will tell you what, no way would I be blindsided by the bride’s decision. The fact that both the OP and DH were, despite DH paying for the wedding, shows how both of them have underestimated the bride’s hurt as they enjoyed creating their second family for many years! In fact, the fact this hurt child managed to remain civil throughout this, shows she is not nasty. She is allowed to finally make her wedding day about her. Why not?

what birthday presents have 14 daughter given to the bride? Or was the bride the only one expected to give her a birthday gift?

not much has been said about DH. However, if the way he has been played by his daughter and his seemingly inability to even articulate to the bride- as sensitively as he can- the difficulty he would face without op there whilst desperately wanting to play the dutiful father of the bride with caring for the young kids, makes me wonder if this matches DH’s energy (or lack of) for fighting for the bride over the years, hence bride knew DH could do nothing about this. I know well brought up kids with fathers who fight for everyone’s corner would have invited the 14 yo even through gritted teeth (or logistics).

so op should not be surprised and upset, but must learn big lessons from this. It’s not too late!

NiceoneSonny · 19/04/2025 00:07

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 23:56

But the reality is, she isn’t close to her stepsister. That is how it is in this family. It’s not hurtful to state a truth that the girl already knows from her lived experience - she barely sees her stepsister.

A 14 year old is old enough to understand that she has a different relationship to her stepsister than her half sisters, and that is actually perfectly normal, especially given the huge age difference.

She isn’t close to her 29 year old stepsister. She doesn’t see her very often and they don’t have a sibling relationship. Therefore she isn’t going to her wedding. The OP can find a way to explain this kindly and appropriately to her daughter - it doesn’t need to be made into a drama.

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Where in the OP's posts are you getting the information that the 14 year old barely sees her stepsister, isn't close to her, doesn't see her very often and they don't have a sibling relationship?

We know the 29 years old doesn't regard the 14 year old as a sister. That doesn't mean the 14 year old feels the same way. OP has already said she will be devastated to learn she is not invited. That hardly sounds like detachment on the 14 year old's part.

Anxioustealady · 19/04/2025 00:07

Silverstars21 · 18/04/2025 22:29

I find this extremely sad.

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I find all the posts saying OP's husband should ruin his daughters wedding by taking the money back, or force her to invite someone she doesn't want, so she can get the message even on her wedding day that her dad loves his new wife and her daughters more than her, extremely sad.

People are allowed to decide for themselves who they consider family. OP is fine with everyone calling her stepdaughter a bitch, c*, everything else... she's not close enough to ask what's going on with her wedding. They clearly are not close.

RawBloomers · 19/04/2025 00:07

lemmity · 18/04/2025 22:47

More horrible than not inviting a 14 year old to a wedding when the rest of her household is invited?

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Yes.

But regardless, your step daughter treating her step sister horribly does not in any way justify you treating your own children horribly.

MyGingerNinja · 19/04/2025 00:07

Jabberwok · 18/04/2025 16:34

The most important word here is child. The girl is 14. What does this tell her. That her step sister doesn't think she's family...well ok. But that her step dad, who's been in her life at least 10 years doesn't consider her family either...that's pretty shitty of him.

He could easily have said "look there's no way you can't invite x . I know she's not your sister and you don't see her as that, but she's my wife's daughter, I see her as my daughter, you simply cannot invite the little ones and not her. It's rude, it will cause me problems, I am paying and can afford one more". End of.

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Agree with this.. if he had anything about him the husband could have headed all this off at the pass without the OP even knowing there was an issue.

AllosaurusMum · 19/04/2025 00:07

Baital · 18/04/2025 21:34

Well, if 'blood' is the criteria then the OP doesn't need to consider her SD's feelings and wishes in future.

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It's entirely likely she never has considered step daughters feelings and that's what's led to this.

Maybe OP has always made step daughter feel pushed out and othered.

Do you treat step daughter like your own daughter?
Do you and your daughter buy her separate birthday gifts?
Did she lose her room to your daughter when you two moved in together?
What kind of father was your husband when she was a child?

Anxioustealady · 19/04/2025 00:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 00:08

NiceoneSonny · 19/04/2025 00:07

Where in the OP's posts are you getting the information that the 14 year old barely sees her stepsister, isn't close to her, doesn't see her very often and they don't have a sibling relationship?

We know the 29 years old doesn't regard the 14 year old as a sister. That doesn't mean the 14 year old feels the same way. OP has already said she will be devastated to learn she is not invited. That hardly sounds like detachment on the 14 year old's part.

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The fact that the groom wasn’t even aware she existed would suggest that.

The 14 year old having a different view of her SS than her SS has of her does not mean the SS has to provide that relationship.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 19/04/2025 00:08

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 19/04/2025 00:04

Completely agree with all you have said. The fact that the groom to be was not even aware of 14 year-old's existence just suggests that they have no relationship.
But the name-calling on this thread is particularly rough today. I can only imagine that there are a lot of touched nerves and projected emotions tonight

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No, I think people are just calling a spade a spade. The behaviour of the bride is cruel and nasty. Personally I don't believe I have called her any names, and that's out of order, but I've certainly described the behaviour in the terms it deserves.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 19/04/2025 00:10

MyGingerNinja · 19/04/2025 00:07

Agree with this.. if he had anything about him the husband could have headed all this off at the pass without the OP even knowing there was an issue.

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Absolutely. I don't know why the dad cannot persuade his DD to invite his SD for the sake of harmony in the family, especially as he is paying for it all. Yes, he is being loyal to his DD but he also owes some loyalty to his wife and her child!

Crazyworldmum · 19/04/2025 00:11

Personally I would remove the other children from the wedding too , the 14 year old will be devastated . Honestly I’m past caring what the 29 year old woman wants , she is an adult , if she can’t be kind enough to consider a teens feelings why should anyone consider hers ?

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 19/04/2025 00:14

Well, her father should.... because she is his daughter. The flower girls might want to attend. It sounds like they have a good relationship with her. I hope OP doesn't pull them from the wedding. They haven't done anything wrong

EnidSpyton · 19/04/2025 00:14

NiceoneSonny · 19/04/2025 00:07

Where in the OP's posts are you getting the information that the 14 year old barely sees her stepsister, isn't close to her, doesn't see her very often and they don't have a sibling relationship?

We know the 29 years old doesn't regard the 14 year old as a sister. That doesn't mean the 14 year old feels the same way. OP has already said she will be devastated to learn she is not invited. That hardly sounds like detachment on the 14 year old's part.

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The OP hasn’t even spoken to her stepdaughter about the wedding and doesn’t know anything about it. They are clearly not close.

They don’t live together. They have never lived together. The bride’s fiancé didn’t even know she had a stepsister! So they obviously don’t see her very often.

All of this says very clearly that there is no real relationship between them. As would be perfectly natural between two totally unrelated people who are fifteen years apart in age.

Yes, the OP says her daughter will be devastated. But that might not actually be the reality for the daughter. I’m sure she’d rather be out with her mates than going to a wedding where she won’t know hardly anyone anyway!

HellDorado · 19/04/2025 00:15

It sounds like your stepdaughter sees your child not as a quasi-sibling as you might have hoped, but simply “Ombre’s daughter”. She feels differently about her half-siblings because she remembers them being born, is watching them grow up, and can perhaps see elements of her father, herself or other family members in them.

That’s fine. I don’t think you can expect her to see her as a full sibling. But I do think it’s a bit mean to not invite her to the wedding at all. It would be one extra place; SD must know that it’s going to cause trouble not to ask her, so it does feel a bit deliberate. I don’t blame you for being upset.

However, I do think you’re being unreasonable to expect your husband to “insist” because he’s paying. You shouldn’t offer to pay for a child’s wedding on the proviso that you get to pick the guest list. If you want a party where you can invite who you like, throw one.

Unfortunately I agree with the posters who said there is no good resolution to this. Your SD will resent being pushed to invite your daughter; you will always know she had to be forced.

NurtureGrow · 19/04/2025 00:17

I’m sorry, this is not nice at all.

I would expect only one outcome:

Tell your husband your SD must invite your DD and you will all go together. This is the only acceptable outcome in my opinion. Not going will cause a rift. Unfortunately you will remember this from your SD, but at least if your DD goes there will be the appearance of all being ok for the children, in particular your DD. Hopefully your DD will not find out she wasn’t invited.

Show your husband this thread if needed.

I do believe he needs to point out to this 29 year old, that she is being incredibly mean and inappropriate and all members of the family will be invited.

If he accepts your DD not going, he is sending the message he agrees with your SD, which is unacceptable.

I hope you can update us soon that everyone will go! I’m sorry you have to remember this about SD. At least you have learnt something about her. Don’t let it affect you, your husband and 3 children xx

Perhaps SD will grow up in her 30s 🙄

Usernamexyz1 · 19/04/2025 00:17

I don’t know why but I have consistently held the view that I would be the bigger person here if I was the op. Respect bride’s wishes, attend wedding so DH can be father of bride. Give 14 yo something she wants to do- cinema with friends or her dad (her dad is the best person to step up for his dd or is it just all fallen on dh to care for everyone).

then finish the wedding and come home and take stock. Retaliating now ruining a 29 yo’s wedding will make you look like the nasty one. 14 dd has a loving home for 10 years, so this won’t traumatise her. Or don’t you and DH dote on 14 yo enough not to be affected by this? Bride clearly views herself as from a ‘broken home’ and is hurt and acting out. Dont interfere.

Snugglemonkey · 19/04/2025 00:20

MyGingerNinja · 19/04/2025 00:07

Agree with this.. if he had anything about him the husband could have headed all this off at the pass without the OP even knowing there was an issue.

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Yes, that is what should have happened.

NurtureGrow · 19/04/2025 00:20

@Usernamexyz1 I understand what you are saying, but I think it will affect DD deeply, unfortunately. She will know she is the only one that didn’t go. Her younger sisters would go and be flower girls. Maybe photos of the wedding would be put in the house, with DD not in it. It’s sad, I feel sorry for DD.

NurtureGrow · 19/04/2025 00:21

Agreed @Snugglemonkey

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 00:22

NurtureGrow · 19/04/2025 00:17

I’m sorry, this is not nice at all.

I would expect only one outcome:

Tell your husband your SD must invite your DD and you will all go together. This is the only acceptable outcome in my opinion. Not going will cause a rift. Unfortunately you will remember this from your SD, but at least if your DD goes there will be the appearance of all being ok for the children, in particular your DD. Hopefully your DD will not find out she wasn’t invited.

Show your husband this thread if needed.

I do believe he needs to point out to this 29 year old, that she is being incredibly mean and inappropriate and all members of the family will be invited.

If he accepts your DD not going, he is sending the message he agrees with your SD, which is unacceptable.

I hope you can update us soon that everyone will go! I’m sorry you have to remember this about SD. At least you have learnt something about her. Don’t let it affect you, your husband and 3 children xx

Perhaps SD will grow up in her 30s 🙄

She can’t ‘tell’ her husband any such thing. He’s not going to be dictated to, she’s made that clear already.

I’m not sure reading posts calling his daughter all types of cunt will do anything but make him angry at OP.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 19/04/2025 00:23

EnidSpyton · 19/04/2025 00:14

The OP hasn’t even spoken to her stepdaughter about the wedding and doesn’t know anything about it. They are clearly not close.

They don’t live together. They have never lived together. The bride’s fiancé didn’t even know she had a stepsister! So they obviously don’t see her very often.

All of this says very clearly that there is no real relationship between them. As would be perfectly natural between two totally unrelated people who are fifteen years apart in age.

Yes, the OP says her daughter will be devastated. But that might not actually be the reality for the daughter. I’m sure she’d rather be out with her mates than going to a wedding where she won’t know hardly anyone anyway!

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Surely to god if the bride sees her half-sisters, her stepsister is also present if it's in the family home?

I wouldn't read anything into the OP not having spoken to SD about the wedding. I can make things up too and I would assume she doesn't want to be seen as interfering!

They don't have to be close! It doesn't matter one damn. This child is the sister of bridezilla's half-sisters and being reared with them and BZ's father.

Do you know 14 year old, so you can decide what she would prefer better than her own mother does?!!

I invited aunts and uncles to my wedding, on account of them being my parents' siblings. I wasn't close to some of them. I also invited friends of my parents, people I knew growing up but wasn't close to. It seems that this is anathema to the modern bride who has to have everything all her own way taking nobody else into consideration whatsoever. I considered it etiquette and good manners, and didn't want to offend anyone.

More than 30 years later and most of them are dead sadly but I love that they are all in my wedding video and I cherish the memories.

And we paid for our own wedding, for the most part!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 19/04/2025 00:24

EnidSpyton · 19/04/2025 00:14

The OP hasn’t even spoken to her stepdaughter about the wedding and doesn’t know anything about it. They are clearly not close.

They don’t live together. They have never lived together. The bride’s fiancé didn’t even know she had a stepsister! So they obviously don’t see her very often.

All of this says very clearly that there is no real relationship between them. As would be perfectly natural between two totally unrelated people who are fifteen years apart in age.

Yes, the OP says her daughter will be devastated. But that might not actually be the reality for the daughter. I’m sure she’d rather be out with her mates than going to a wedding where she won’t know hardly anyone anyway!

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How do you know she didn't spend time living with them out of termtime while at uni?

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 19/04/2025 00:25

EnidSpyton · 19/04/2025 00:14

The OP hasn’t even spoken to her stepdaughter about the wedding and doesn’t know anything about it. They are clearly not close.

They don’t live together. They have never lived together. The bride’s fiancé didn’t even know she had a stepsister! So they obviously don’t see her very often.

All of this says very clearly that there is no real relationship between them. As would be perfectly natural between two totally unrelated people who are fifteen years apart in age.

Yes, the OP says her daughter will be devastated. But that might not actually be the reality for the daughter. I’m sure she’d rather be out with her mates than going to a wedding where she won’t know hardly anyone anyway!

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Or maybe you can stop making shit up and trust the OP knows her family best and believe her when she says her DD will be devastated