14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

And times have evolved, gifts can be given without strings attached,

Her daughter isn't family though! My mother remarried when I was an adult, I've never even met her husband's son though technically he's my step brother. It's stupid. You don't get to decide an adult woman consider your child family. She's nothing to her and she's always been polite. She wants the people she cares about at her wedding.

He asked his dd and she said OP’s dd wasn’t invited because they aren’t related. The bit about dd being 14 seems to be secondary excuse to
make herself look better.

There’s no point is asking about other kids being at the wedding.

If I was OP I wouldn’t even want to go now.

You don’t exclude one child who is part of your half sisters lives.

Let’s see how DSD likes being excluded in future.

I have been on MN for a long time and have never hit the nuclear button, but actually on this one I would. I'd be quietly ensuring that none of my children or myself attended the wedding.

I hope it does. The bride bloody well deserves it.

I'd tell your 14 YO the truth that she isn't invited as gently as possible, then get booking Disney. Tell the younger two that because their sister isn't invited you won't be going to the wedding either. Let them know it's ok if they still want to be bridesmaids (and mean it, because it is) but if they would prefer Disneyland then they're more than welcome to.

If you have shared finances with your husband, Disney cost for whoever is going gets deducted from the wedding contribution.

Step sister just pays for her wedding herself chooses her guests, excluding 14 year is very wrong and says more about her. What a nasty person she is in this situation. Yanbu.

Its natural to feel disappointed but it doesn't mean the other person is being unreasonable. They are not close, the bride has chosen blood relatives and people she is close to. Just as the 14 year will if get to choose if she gets married or chooses to have a celebration of a major life event. It isn't personal. There is no relationship. Normalising that it is possible to like someone well enough but not be close to them should be the objective. It doesn't always have to be personal. It is a much healthier approach to relationships and friendships

I'm sorry I've only read OPs updates.
It takes a lot for me to add a post like this.
I can only go with the posts OP has added so I will add to my mind this decision is bordering on being evil.

But then why hasn’t it been explained like this to OP. Even if it is do you not invite the sister of the flower girls and the brides step sister,. I really don’t see that as an excuse. I feel furious for the 14 year old.

I hate seeing people especially kids left out. For this 14 year old to see her younger siblings going and her mother I can only imagine how that would feel. People saying the bride is young she has a 29 that’s not young and old enough surely to have empathy.

sorry but I think the bride and groom are really mean spirited and the OP’s h weak or uncaring for going along with them. If I was OP I would be seeing them all in a very negative light after this. It’s one person extra and she is old enough to not be crying or running around during the vows so just invite her.

Honestly, I feel so sorry for you and your daughter in this that I’d happily contribute to a gofundme for you to have the most incredible weekend away somewhere. This behaviour from that horrible girl over her wedding is appalling. I hope it rains.

This isn’t about your DD, IMO.

Its about the fact she (or her mum) almost certainly don’t want you there - and this was an easy way to ensure that happened. She couldn’t not invite you, but she could easily not invite the child she is not biologically related to - who you are related to - to try and ensure you didn’t go.

I would like to know how close they are/ how much they have seen each other over the years. I mean if they are not close at all and don’t really see each other then I guess I can understand her position.

So, SD invited/included four members of her dad's household (two adults, a 9yo and a 6yo) and left out the fifth (the 14yo)? It's hard to believe that your husband doesn't know that this is rude (and weird) - and would be even if the wedding were for some reason officially designated as "families only".

IS it even families only?? No friends, no long-term partners of friends or family members? Even if SD and future SSIL have otherwise very strictly kept to that, one non-problematic 14yo - who technically IS a family member; stepsister is typically defined as such - won't make or break the wedding. This doesn't have to be a pitched battle over the definition of "family"; why on earth would it be?

The easiest and least disruptive and hurtful thing here would be to simply include the 14yo, hope she never finds out that it was a late add-on, and explain it as an error if she does. Assuming there's no missing info about a reason why SD would actively object to the 14yo's presence, the hurt to 29yo SD of having her dad pay for one extra guest is negligible compared to the damage the current plan is likely to do to the 14yo (excluded), your 14yo's relationship with her stepdad if she finds out the real story, your missing out on your younger daughters' being in the wedding, and -I suspect - eventually even your relationship with your husband, who won't do this small thing for the good of your shared family but can't seem to offer any convincing reason why not.

Also, and perhaps meanly: I hope the 70 year old aunt and her daughter in law - who are, by the way, wedding guests in their own right and NOT support animals for ineffective men - grill your husband good and hard on why you're not there with the little girls.

Yes this rather seems to be overlooked by people who want to have their cake and eat it.

I was most definitely not the other woman. My husband was divorced ten years before I met him, I met his daughter when she was 18/19, the first Christmas after she began university.

People have said my husband didn’t challenge her. He did.

She said they weren’t really related. When she was told I wouldn’t go without her she said my daughter obviously had another family.

I have never had a conversation with my husband about withdrawing money or him insisting on my daughter being invited but he brought up the insistence bit. He said the message to his daughter would become that my daughter was on a par with his daughter on her own wedding day.

If he withdrew funds I doubt his relationship with his daughter would recover.

He is genuinely devastated.

I have not told my daughter because I was hoping SD would change her mind.

My youngest children aren’t stupid. They know the two older ones aren’t related to each other. Obviously the truth might come out when they’re older but I intend to just say for now that only SD’s family are going to wedding. I doubt they will blame or exclude SD.

How incredibly mean of your SD. I can see how your DH feels he is in a tricky position, probably worried his daughter will cut him off.

Someone also said that I couldn’t be bothered to ask about whether it’s child free bar the wedding party! It would be provocative of me to ask SD directly but I want my daughter there as part of my household and a memo of SD’s family.

This is so, so sad.

But OP, there is not much you can do. It's outside your control. People are more often careless or self-absorbed than intentionally malicious, and I hope that's the case here.

OP’s DD is expecting to go to this wedding with her mum, half-sisters and step-dad.

There is no way she’s not going to be upset at being uninvited.

For you to think OP’s DD should be fine with this incredibly dismissive and cruel.

This is great advice. He needs to ensure adequate money for all 4 to be treated the same….

Has anyone actually said to her that it will really upset stepdaughter and ask if she can come? Rather than indirect “is she invited” - “no”.

Does she know you’re not going yet?

YANBU, I'd be so hurt in your shoes @Ombreofmyself, really gutted. What a shame your DH didn't fight harder for his SD, but as PPs have mentioned, I imagine he is terrified of upsetting her and being cut off himself. That in itself tells a sad tale about their relationship. I think I would book a really exciting weekend away for you and your DD, somewhere she will love, to distract both of you from what will be happening elsewhere.

I understand your husband challenged SD but he should also say his piece- the DD should be invited because xyz. It is his job to do, explain that you are family unit, that it is extremely ungrateful of her to take money but disregard family and go to the details without threats.

I still don't see why your husband can't say to his daughter "look you know that Ombre will not go without her daughter and I would very much like to have my wife with me at this party I am hosting to celebrate your wedding. So as a favour to me invite Ombre's daughter. Thanks love"