14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

Thank you!

The daughter is 14, she will work it out for herself quite quickly! It's better OP is upfront and they can have a conversation about DDs feelings etc.

That's not my take on trauma dumping.

Agree

It’s her day and she isn’t related to your daughter. Sadly it seems like your husband doesn’t care about it either. His blood is the one that’s going. She doesn’t value her as a sister and presumably didn’t grow up with her etc. take your daughter out for some mum and daughter time on the day.

She'd probably happily trade meals for time alone with her father.

It's very obvious who has been a stepchild in this thread.

Now you're just being ridiculous 🙄

Don’t go and don’t let the younger two go either.

Cash some family savings and take them to Disney.

of course the 14 year old should be invited. What next someone has an adoptive or foster child and they are not invited because not blood. What about relatives partners not blood so not invited!

Come on OP you can be angry - your step daughter and husband are adults and are acting like kids. Don’t let any of your ‘blood’ children attend!

I feel so sorry for your daughter OP, your SD is being quite mean.

I wouldn’t go and I would take my DD on a trip instead like others have suggested

Equally OP does not owe it to her adult DSD to facilitate her relationship with her half sisters, especially when DSD is trying to be a divisive force.

It may not be about ‘blood’. Other younger girls are flower girls. May be no children wedding. So could just be that no children are allowed, other than wedding party - ie flower girls.

What a mean-spirited stepdaughter. I'd also withdraw attendance and no doubt she will be pleased. She may he trying to protect her mother. Either way, weddings can be tricky. Take your daughter for a lovely fun day somewhere instead. Be cordial with the stepdaughter. No cross words required. She will know and hopefully one day, truly realise the impact of her actions on a child.

I'm generally reasonably easy going, but in this situation I'd be reading your DH the Riot Act OP. Making it clear this would irrevocably change things going forward forever.

How much is he currently giving to this wedding OP? How does this relate to yiur overall family finances? How much is her mother contributing? And both the groom's parents? And the ghastly couple themselves?

If the money is there in savings, you instantly withdraw the same account and put it into your account. If it isn't there, then why not? Why is your husband spending all your money on this unmannered, ungrateful brat? And what are his plans for spending the same amount plus inflation on your two girls in the future? And what is he planning on allocating to your 14 year old's future wedding? Spell this all out to him in graphic detail, because right now he seems like a scared rabbit in the headlights.

What you do for one, you have to do for all.

In later life after my career I was a part time Registrar of Ceremonies. I've seen an awful lot of different family situations with regard to weddings, but this is a hill I would die on. The lack of respect, gratitude and basic human decency to a child is palpable.

That's the point. People can pick and choose which traditions they would like to follow and those they would like to start.

They can also choose whether to include steps as part of their family. It's not mean if they don't consider them that.

Accepting money is a tradition? 😂

She'll probably be with her husband, quite happily

I agree. But OP has made it clear she doesn't know or care if it's a childless wedding (with the obvious exception of children who are in the wedding).

She only thinks of herself and her children, not the difficulties of wedding planning by a young, inexperienced couple. This is where the OP lost my sympathy.

You don’t know that it’s family money. Maybe DH has a policy or other similar set up to pay for the wedding. Maybe inheritence from his parents. Any number of situations. Maybe they have separate accounts. None of us know, so a bit of an assumption you’re making there…

Your husband isn't paying. Her father is paying. Why would your parents and bil be invited?!? 😂🥴 Why would they want to go??

She was an adult who already lived out of the home when she met you. You're just a woman who her father chose to marry. Your daughter- one step removed even from that. If you divorced tomorrow, she'd probably never see your or your dad again. Your husband should maybe have considered that before starting a second new family when he already had adult dc. You can't expect the two to blend especially when she's already moved out. She's invited her family, again, not your dds but her sisters. Which seems fair.

The brides family traditionally paid for wedding or gave dowries.

They also traditionally had a say in the guest list.

Not only would I not go, but I wouldn’t bother with her at all again. I wouldn’t babysit when she has children, I wouldn’t acknowledge her birthday or theirs. She has drawn the lines about what family means. So be it. You reap what you sow.

But the bride’s family also had a say over the invitees.

That's just the worst kind of bridezilla nasty esp as your dp is paying for it all.

If she won't budge even if your DP finds his balls and challrnges this - its her wedding - then no Id def not go either.

Go away with your DD for the weekend and make a great time of it.

I would genuinely divorce a man who thought this was acceptable.

I would tell the bride that she is an awful, nasty person. I would tell your husband that he’s a spineless twat.

I would tell your 14 year old that her step sister is a bitch, and you’re really sorry that she’s so nasty and hurtful.

I would let your little ones enjoy the wedding, and then I would file for divorce. There would be NO coming back from this for me.

YANBU. I’d be FURIOUS. She might not be her sister but she’s her step-sister and your daughter is her sisters’ sister. You’re daughter is family and my heart breaks for her over this bullying. What a cow.

The bride is being a bit nasty and showing her true colours (but the signs seem to have been there before) but is calling the shots on her wedding.

You have two options, not go which will impact your other DD and DH or you go and your DD who is not invited goes to her Dads. To make up for this maybe go on a trip with just her to somewhere she has always wanted to go.