Page 22 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 18/04/2025 19:50

CombatBarbie · 18/04/2025 18:54

Seriously......are you on glue!!! Not being part of the wedding party is one thing. Not being invited at all is entirely different!!!

There's 5 years between oldest bio (9) and step daughter (14) so she's known her since she was at least 5....

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You're slightly confused with all the DDs and their ages. The bride to be is 29 (DH DD), OP DD is 14, and the next are 9 and 6. So there is nearly a generation (which is 20 years) between the 2 older girls. If the families were only blended when she was 18 I can see why there is little to no relationship. Sounds like OP DD might often be away seeing her dad. It is great that DH and OP choose to blend their 4 daughters in their family. Their choice. That is not an obligation, moral or otherwise, for anyone else.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2025 19:51

TiredCatLady · 18/04/2025 19:47

I’m taking SDs side here - she was basically an adult at the point you and her dad got together. Your DD was a small child and, assuming SD was away at university, she’s had a handful of interactions with her. A child she is not related to. It’s not really surprising that she doesn’t consider her to be family.

I may have missed a post - were you the OW at any point? Hence why Dad is coughing up for the wedding and not asking questions?

No she was not

MadinMarch · 18/04/2025 19:52

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 19:16

Because we've moved on, or should have moved on from parents dictating what happens on a wedding day just because they give a gift. He is the brides father and has chosen to pay for the wedding.

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It could be argued that it's op's and her DH's 'family money'. If OP isn't going and her daughter has been actively excluded from the wedding, then DH could tell bride daughter that she can only have half the money for her wedding.

This is beyond mean, and the ramifications going forward forever more are huge!! In OPS shoes, I'd never want to see her again and certainly wouldn't be entertaining her, or talking to her even, or considering her in anyway ever again.

If I were OP, I don't think I would see my DH in the same light ever again- Does he see the 14 year old as as outsider too, as she's not 'blood' to him either? I would assume he doesn't, as he hasn't made a strong case to have her included.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:52

CopperWhite · 18/04/2025 19:41

@Orwellsunshine
The absence of her step mother, however, would be highly noticeable and would suggest their relationship is far more fraught than it actually is. She could avoid all this by just inviting her step sister. Her father needs to explain this to her.

Yes, their absence might be noticeable and maybe the bride is ok with that at her wedding. Sometimes step children forced into blended situations get fed up with playing happy families just for show. Maybe she’s taking the opportunity, on the one occasion where she is in charge, just to have the family she considers closest to her without having to accommodate others.

It is incredibly small minded to complain that the bride is mean without considering the position she has been forced into and how she might feel about that. She owes the OP nothing.

That's all fair and well if they bride and groom were footing the bill themselves, but that isn't the case here. She's having her father pay for the whole thing yet behaving incredibly rudely in not having his step daughter there. She didn't have any issue being flown out to Florida for the step daughter's birthday, no doubt she didn't pay a penny for that trip either. The bride is a mean brat.

BitterTits · 18/04/2025 19:53

I think the bride is being a total cow, but I don't get why you're prepared to let the younger two attend because they won't be able to beat the disappointment while the 14 year old will have to do exactly that. I wouldn't take any of them.

And I would also withhold a proportion of the money on the basis that it's your family money.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 19:54

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:47

In traditional weddings, when parents of the bride pay for the wedding, those parents paying will then have a small list of invitees that they get to invite onto the guest list. Your SD is being INCREDIBLY RUDE by not allowing her father, who is using his life savings to pay for her wedding day to invite any guests, little mind his own Step Daughter.

Personally, I think he's a poor Step Father to not be insisting this is resolved. He has raised her since she was 4 FFS!

SD says she's not related to your 14yr old daughter, does that mean only blood relatives are invited to the wedding, no friends, no work colleagues? What a lousy fucking excuse, she's a nasty cruel madam.

I'd be furious in your position if my husband wasn't getting this issue resolved. If it was up to me, I'd pull the funding. What's the reason why her mother isn't paying for half of it @Ombreofmyself ?

New traditions are made all of time.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:56

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 19:54

New traditions are made all of time.

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Of course, so the bride and groom can create a new tradition and pay for their bloody wedding themselves. They want the best of both worlds, the old tradition of having Daddy pay for it all, combined with a 'new tradition' of not letting the bill payer have any guests, as per the tradition of those who pay for it.

nomas · 18/04/2025 19:57

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 19:50

Where is the lie. The 14 year old has not been invited because although the bride likes them well enough they are other people they are closer too. The younger siblings had been invited as bridesmaids as they are related. A 14 year old is old enough to know they are not a blood relative of the bride and also recognise they are not that close to them. Will they be disappointed? I expect so. It is then up to the OP to plan something special or for the 14 year old's father to do something special with them to take their mind off of it.

Part of respecting a relationship with a stepchild is understanding they may not wish to include you in life event on their side. Being married to their father or mother does not automatically make you family.

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But that’s all that @Createausername1970 said, to explain to DD why isn’t she invited, but you said that she was trauma dumping on a 14yo?

Also remember the step-child is now 29 and needs to learn that she can exclude people but to not be surprised when they exclude her right back.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:59

People are making good points here @Ombreofmyself your husband is using his ISA's, but is this from money saved since you've been married? Surely this is joint family savings?

How many other weddings will he be having to use savings to pay for? That'll be your retirement funds wiped out.

I'd be so furious over this. Your husband is weak, no doubt from broken marriage guilt.

Anxioustealady · 18/04/2025 19:59

Hdjdb42 · 18/04/2025 18:30

That's very cruel and insensitive to purposefully exclude one child! I would give her one more chance to make this right, before cancelling the wedding. If your husband goes along with this, then he is a wet drip who doesn't have his children's backs when it counts. Your child will remember the betrayal, always.

The stepmother has no right to "cancel the wedding"

Why should the bride's father prioritise his wife's daughter over her? I'd he does, his daughter will not forgive him ever.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 20:00

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:56

Of course, so the bride and groom can create a new tradition and pay for their bloody wedding themselves. They want the best of both worlds, the old tradition of having Daddy pay for it all, combined with a 'new tradition' of not letting the bill payer have any guests, as per the tradition of those who pay for it.

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Is that like the tradition where the bride is supposed to obey her husband? Times change, for the better.

Createausername1970 · 18/04/2025 20:02

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 19:34

Or the OP could manage her expectations rather than trauma dump a 14 year old.

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That's what I said?

OP will know how best to go about it, but it's unfair to potentially let DD continue to think she is going. She is 14, not 4. She will work out the reasons why herself fairly quickly, so a bit of upfront truthfulness from her mum will be better than pussyfooting around it.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 20:02

nomas · 18/04/2025 19:57

But that’s all that @Createausername1970 said, to explain to DD why isn’t she invited, but you said that she was trauma dumping on a 14yo?

Also remember the step-child is now 29 and needs to learn that she can exclude people but to not be surprised when they exclude her right back.

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confirm how upset you and her stepdad are about it and whilst it would be difficult for him to not attend his daughter's wedding, you are obviously not intending to go.

Trauma dump.

UndermyShoeJoe · 18/04/2025 20:02

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:56

Of course, so the bride and groom can create a new tradition and pay for their bloody wedding themselves. They want the best of both worlds, the old tradition of having Daddy pay for it all, combined with a 'new tradition' of not letting the bill payer have any guests, as per the tradition of those who pay for it.

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Maybe the dad wants to pay and the daughter doesn’t actually need his money for it so it’s truly a gift from father to daughter.

nomas · 18/04/2025 20:03

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 19:56

Of course, so the bride and groom can create a new tradition and pay for their bloody wedding themselves. They want the best of both worlds, the old tradition of having Daddy pay for it all, combined with a 'new tradition' of not letting the bill payer have any guests, as per the tradition of those who pay for it.

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Exactly! These days brides and grooms pay for their own weddings.

DSD is so supposedly traumatised that she is rejecting her father’s wife and step-daughter, but isn’t principled enough to reject the money he has saved up with said step-mother.

BitterTits · 18/04/2025 20:04

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 20:00

Is that like the tradition where the bride is supposed to obey her husband? Times change, for the better.

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Accepting money from a parent to pay for your wedding is not comparable to vowing to obey a husband. Fine to forego the patriarchal elements if that's what you really mean, but this is picking and choosing.

nomas · 18/04/2025 20:04

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 20:02

confirm how upset you and her stepdad are about it and whilst it would be difficult for him to not attend his daughter's wedding, you are obviously not intending to go.

Trauma dump.

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How is that trauma dumpling? What should she say, ‘we’re happy you’re not invited’? They’re upset, that’s the truth.

PLHJ84 · 18/04/2025 20:04

BitterTits · 18/04/2025 19:53

I think the bride is being a total cow, but I don't get why you're prepared to let the younger two attend because they won't be able to beat the disappointment while the 14 year old will have to do exactly that. I wouldn't take any of them.

And I would also withhold a proportion of the money on the basis that it's your family money.

Edited

I agree with this. couldn’t let 2 go when one was fully excluded.

having the 2 half sisters as bridesmaids and 14 year old not is one thing (but she would be sat with you) but not being there at all is ridiculous and i’d rather disappoint my younger 2 than my oldest.

Both older girls are their half sister so “equal” relationship but your 3 have one mum & live with your daughter & are closer in age so that family relationship would be the most important one to me. I’d pull them out, keep my 3 away with me & feck what anyon else thinks of that.

Let the bride have her dad there & if is he is daft enough to pay and then go on his own thats fine but the money given needs to be solely his and not financially impact you or your daughters in any way. Stand up for your 14 year old.

UndermyShoeJoe · 18/04/2025 20:05

Would help with the explaining if op or her husband could be bothered to find out if the only children are those in the wedding party.

scoobysnaxx · 18/04/2025 20:07

I think this is disgusting and very hurtful and I would absolutely refuse to go to. Your poor daughter how heartbreaking.

Coffeedreaming · 18/04/2025 20:07

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 19:30

If I pay for my children's weddings there will be a budget and they get to spend it how they choose. It's either a gift or it isn't.

Children do not owe their parents relationships with step siblings.

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She’s 14 and lives with the girl’s dad!

this is just nasty.

I invited my 4 step siblings to the evening do at my wedding but we met as adults and didn’t really know eachother that well.

JustSawJohnny · 18/04/2025 20:08

Hard agree that you shouldn't be going to the wedding. It would be incredibly cruel for all of the family to go to the wedding but DD14.

The bride sounds petty and devoid of empathy.

Can you afford to do something nice with DD14 on the day of the wedding? Something she'd really enjoy doing with you? Spa day? Day trip to London for shopping and lunch? A west end show

I do think you need to make a bit of a fuss of her, OP. It will hurt her to see her younger siblings so excited to be bridesmaids while she is sidelined completely.

FairyPoppins · 18/04/2025 20:09

@TiredCatLady
you did miss a post...
SD mum & dad had split up 10yrs before OP met SD's Dad...

Zanatdy · 18/04/2025 20:09

I don’t understand why your DH can’t say that
step daughter will be very upset not to be invited so can she be invited. This will be a lot easier than him saying you aren’t going as your DD isn’t invited and probably a lifetime of a difficult relationship. I mean he is paying and he can’t insist his step daughter be invited.

Coffeedreaming · 18/04/2025 20:10

I agree with whoever said to take your daughter to Disney while all this is going on. No help to daddy dearest while he’s got to get the girls ready for the wedding/flower girl duties either.

Hope he has fun wrangling two overexcited kids while he’s trying to do his speech.

Outrageous he won’t talk to his daughter about this