14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

I take it he was a terrible, absent?, father to her when she was younger? Assuming that, it’s quite normal (not saying it’s right) for children to feel that they’re ‘owed’ money from parents who made no effort with them as children. He’s paying for the wedding out of guilt and she’s not inviting your daughter out of spite. Like a previous poster said, spite born of trauma.

Why would OP taking her uninvited daughter on holiday during the week of the wedding be petty?

What should they do? Stay at home in a dark room with curtains closed and hide in shame?

Why should OP lie to her daughter and lose her trust, to protect her DSD?

That isn't petty, it's sensible. I'd be taking the eldest somewhere expensive and amazing for a week, ideal opportunity with everyone else taken up with the wedding. Big happy smiles video message sent of the two of you from disneyland / beach / dune buggies saying "happy wedding day step daughter and fiance, hope you're having fun !"

if there’s the money to pay for the wedding, then is there money for you and dd to get an easyjet flight for a city break to Paris or somewhere over the weekend of the wedding?

Because it’s the whole pick some expense and wow not just spend time together and do something fun. The whole go to NY go to Dubai. Spend his money because she is.

That’s petty that’s not do something fun. That’s not do something the daughter wants that’s point out we can spend a fortune without you petty.

Is there any way you could speak frankly with your 14 year old about this. She might see the stepsister’s logic and just say she’s happy to go to her dad’s.
I’m not suggesting she definitely would or should take this line, but if she’s not offended, it saves you a lot of hassle.
i think if it was my daughter, she’d take it in the chin. Although she is autistic, so not particularly sentimental.

Op this sucks for you and your daughter, I can’t imagine excluding someone in such a way. I would imagine she’s decided it’s my day and I invite who I want and won’t pander to expectations of the blended family or anyone else. It sounds as though she may have been resentful to you dd and kept her at arms length, even being older she may have perceived him as being more kind and patient to your dd as she was so young when you got together. It’s not your dds fault and I feel for her.
i think you are totally right in not going and being with your dd while letting the two younger ones go. Your DH can look after them I bet if it was the other way around and you were going without him you wouldn’t worry about them being looked after , he’ll have to suck it up.
if it were me I would probably send a message to the step daughter and say sorry dd has no one to look after her that day so you’ll have to miss the wedding but you hope she has a wonderful day. Be gracious, you have a long time bring in each others lives and if you can avoid war which makes all the relationships difficult it will be for the best, be the bigger person. Your step daughter may learn by example one day.

When we got married my darling Mum invited 5-6 of her besties and they had an absolutely fabulous time ! Fully expect mine to be invited when my children get married.

If that’s the case then the adult woman should deal with her daddy issues by either getting therapy or taking it out on her dad ( as he is the one who caused her hurt). Not taking it out on a child who was also a “victim” of her mum starting a brand new family.
Not to mention sponging off the very father that has caused the emotional issues, the bride should have some pride and not accept money from him.
She sounds like a spoilt brat who’s trying to prove to her stepsister and stepmother that daddy is hers.

Well, they do, because OP’s husband isn’t going to stop them from doing so.

OP can’t unilaterally exclude her stepdaughter from the house her father lives in, nor exclude her from birthdays and Christmas.

@Orwellsunshine
The absence of her step mother, however, would be highly noticeable and would suggest their relationship is far more fraught than it actually is. She could avoid all this by just inviting her step sister. Her father needs to explain this to her.

Yes, their absence might be noticeable and maybe the bride is ok with that at her wedding. Sometimes step children forced into blended situations get fed up with playing happy families just for show. Maybe she’s taking the opportunity, on the one occasion where she is in charge, just to have the family she considers closest to her without having to accommodate others.

It is incredibly small minded to complain that the bride is mean without considering the position she has been forced into and how she might feel about that. She owes the OP nothing.

I simply do not understand why your dh couldn't say "I completely understand that you don't think 14 year old is family but she is part of your sisters' family so as a favour I would like you to invite her" If she said no after that I'd say "well as I am paying for the entire wedding, it seems you must have very strong feelings against 14 year old to not do me this favour. Would you like to explain them to me"

There will be boyfriends and girlfriends of her friends and cousins sitting at this wedding who will break up afterwards and never be seen by her again. Her 14 year old step sister is the sister of the bride's siblings. She is going to be around longterm. It is incredibly churlish not to invite her. And your dh is weak not to ask her to invite her.

I actually did mean pick something the daughter wants to do. Well, both daughter and OP!

Take something that might have been a negative and try to make it into a positive for everybody involved.

SD gets the guestlist she wants, wedding she wants and feels valued and loved. OPs daughter makes some memories with OP and still knows she is valued and loved.

I would be telling my DH to sort this immediately or leaving him and taking all 3 kids aways for a nice week. Absolutely unacceptable behaviour on her part unless she wants to pay for it herself.

That’s ridiculous. @lunar1 said nothing about spending his money. She said to go on a trip ‘if finances allow’. Why shouldn’t OP’s dd have something nice to do whilst everyone else is at the wedding?

For all you know OP is the higher earner.

The fact the little ones are thrilled but the 14 year old doesn’t know suggests to me you were told the little ones would be flower girls before you were told your 14 year old isn’t invited.
That’s either very thoughtless or spiteful of the bride. She should have given you all relevant information at the same time. You then would have had the chance not to tell the little ones anything and to manage expectations.

In traditional weddings, when parents of the bride pay for the wedding, those parents paying will then have a small list of invitees that they get to invite onto the guest list. Your SD is being INCREDIBLY RUDE by not allowing her father, who is using his life savings to pay for her wedding day to invite any guests, little mind his own Step Daughter.

Personally, I think he's a poor Step Father to not be insisting this is resolved. He has raised her since she was 4 FFS!

SD says she's not related to your 14yr old daughter, does that mean only blood relatives are invited to the wedding, no friends, no work colleagues? What a lousy fucking excuse, she's a nasty cruel madam.

I'd be furious in your position if my husband wasn't getting this issue resolved. If it was up to me, I'd pull the funding. What's the reason why her mother isn't paying for half of it @Ombreofmyself ?

I’m taking SDs side here - she was basically an adult at the point you and her dad got together. Your DD was a small child and, assuming SD was away at university, she’s had a handful of interactions with her. A child she is not related to. It’s not really surprising that she doesn’t consider her to be family.

I may have missed a post - were you the OW at any point? Hence why Dad is coughing up for the wedding and not asking questions?

are these just your DH's ISAs or joint ones? If joint, I would request the money back. Good on you for not going and standing by your DD. I wouldn't allow my younger ones to go just to just to send the message across that you won't allow your DD to be excluded. They will miss out on the wedding but I do thing the general message of not allowed to exclude DD is more important.

But from now on OP owes her DSD nothing either. Let’s see how much of a relationship DSD gets with her half-sisters without OP as facilitator.

In this situation, I completely agree! It just seems so unnecessarily hurtful of your DSD to your daughter who she has known since your DD was a small child. Horrible & given your DH is paying, unless there is a massive backstory that you’ve not shared, there seems no reason / justification at all that could explain this.

I sense there's a massive backstory here ..... anyway if he's paying he gets to have a couple of additional guests

Where is the lie. The 14 year old has not been invited because although the bride likes them well enough they are other people they are closer too. The younger siblings had been invited as bridesmaids as they are related. A 14 year old is old enough to know they are not a blood relative of the bride and also recognise they are not that close to them. Will they be disappointed? I expect so. It is then up to the OP to plan something special or for the 14 year old's father to do something special with them to take their mind off of it.

Part of respecting a relationship with a stepchild is understanding they may not wish to include you in life event on their side. Being married to their father or mother does not automatically make you family.

Then the bride and groom should be paying for it themselves