14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

I was just putting it out there that I think DH should be able to invite 1 or 2 guests. Not dictate the whole wedding, just 1 or 2 guests of his choice that are close to him and the bride has not put on the guest list 😬

That is outrageously entitled. A woman gets married and has to invite her step mum’s sister’s husband? YABU.

But her not inviting her step sister who she has presumable interacted with a lot, who lives with her dad and her dad is bringing up, and is the sister of her sisters, and is the only member of the family not invited, that is really very poor of her. I hope you reflect this behaviour back at her and show her the same kindness and inclusion she has shown.

But her dad’s wife’s mum and dad, sister, and the sister’s husband? Come on!

It’s the same time and time again.

Man with child/ren married women with child/ren. She the wife insists her child must always always always be included. They have children together. Together children used as pawns to try at least control husband and step child to appease mothers wants for her oldest child even more so if she has a shit family.

Outcome mostly. Younger children resentful of missing out on family dads side /older sibling due to older sibling on mums side.

That’s really mean :(

I mean honestly there probably are people she’s only invited for dad’s sake he just hasn’t forced the issue. Op included.

He’s hardly giving a set of wooden spoons.

If he is picking up virtually the entire tab of the wedding then the Bride and groom dont have the privilege to veto who can or cant come

Bride might be 29 but hasn’t the sense to play this scenarios through in her head and think about what will happen after the wedding and reality hits

No more family Christmas dinners with her father, no more Birthday meals with her half sisters.

Very very silly girl

I think you need to explain to your daughter fairly soon that she is not invited and confirm how upset you and her stepdad are about it and whilst it would be difficult for him to not attend his daughter's wedding, you are obviously not intending to go.

I would arrange to do something else with her that day, and maybe go away for a couple of nights, just you and her a week or so afterwards.

I think it's a shitty thing for the step daughter to do and it would reframe my relationship with her going forward.

Would make him a shit dad

Your DH needs to be clear with his daughter about how upsetting her decision is to the family.
He needs to be direct and say that he wants you with him and that means inviting your daughter. If she says no, then if I were you I would make it very clear to your DH that you never want to be in her company again!
What a horrible thing to do to exclude your stepsister, especially as she’s probably got all sorts of random partners going
If your DH doesn’t talk to her then this will drive a wedge between you

This is outrageous.

And I’m not one for saying grandparents must treat all the grandchildren (including step children) the same either.

Your husband needs to insist that she’s invited. ie TELL his daughter she’s invited and it’s not even a question.

I wouldn’t think the same about step daughter again - awful behaviour: what a nasty girl.

It seems unkind of her to refuse to invite her - especially as her Dad is paying for the day. I don’t think it’s a nice thing to do. I don’t think they should necessarily be flower girl/top table. Does she live with you full time? If so it seems a bit bizarre.

If your resigned to it, and if finances allow, it would be time for a mother daughter long weekend in Disney or a city break to NYC or Dubai.

don’t be doing any of the wife work for prepping your children or husband for this in any way.

there’s going to be bloody photos of this family event all over the place, I think a nice one of you and dd at the top of the Empire State Building really needs to go up next to them.

It's to your credit that you won't stop your younger DDs being flower girls Op because in your place I'd be very tempted to do exactly that, I know your elder DD isn't your DHs but for him to suggest she should go to see her Dad for the day as if nothing important is happening is very weak of him- he'll pay for his DDs wedding but won't raise a finger to make sure your child is included.
Your DSD is basically splitting the family and you'll never forget this, your feelings towards her will be coloured by this for years to come.

I didn't even pay for the wedding (just the dress) yet my DD offered a couple of spaces for me to invite my own friends.

While the Mumsnet take is that even paying for the whole wedding doesn't give a parent the right to invite just one person, surely anyone happily accepting possibly tens of thousands of pounds from their parent should be expected to act with enough thoughtfulness and gratitude to invite that parents step child?

Those imagining trauma might take notice of the fact that this step child has been entirely pleasant to OP and told her how happy she's made her dad, and she dotes on her half sisters. So presumably she's reasonably happy, and spends enough time with them all (including holidaying with them) to know her step sister reasonably well.

How?

Presumably Stepmum and step sister her father and 2 half sisters will be sitting down to Christmas dinner as a family but as she has pointed out, SM and SS are not family so she won’t be invited because she isn’t family to all of them

I think you should go away somewhere really special and lovely with your DD - it sounds like it would be more fun anyway!

YANBU to be upset.

Since men are the route of all evil on here normally. Maybe the dh just doesn’t or care for ops daughter to be there thus the dad comment. His stressed incase op messages daughter his rumbled.

Im joking 👀

Because his dad to three of the four children. Just as op is mum to three of four. She had no more right to dictate she cannot come or to remove the children than he does.

If she wants to play tit for tat that’s a long ole game and her daughter still ultimately loses.

This!

If I pay for my children's weddings there will be a budget and they get to spend it how they choose. It's either a gift or it isn't.

Children do not owe their parents relationships with step siblings.

So the daughter can’t be petty but the op even older can 🤣🤣

Is there somewhere your eldest would be really excited to go @Ombreofmyself ? NYC seems a good shout.

What a truly foolish response.

I think it might make take their minds off the fact they have been left out - and frankly if OPs husband is footing the bill, from their family finances, they deserve a bit of a treat ❤️

I didn’t say anybody was being petty and actually didn’t slag the SD at all!

Or the OP could manage her expectations rather than trauma dump a 14 year old.