14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

"I had expected my parents, sister and BiL to be invited as well as my husband is paying. How is that for entitled?"

He exists on other roles besides your husband. Like being the bride's father.

Expecting her to invite a bunch of your family seems over the top considering you and stepdaughter don't sound at all close. You're aquaintances who were forced into a family that did not blend.

OP, I have a similar set up.

My youngest gets invited to the events of her older sister's family. They simply like to extend invitations to her little sister.

It is unthinkable to me conversely, that my older dd would be left out of the family events of my current in laws and friends - it simply wouldn't happen.

It isn't all honey and roses, but children are considered always in our blend.

I cannot relate to the opposing voices here. I feel very sorry for you being put in this situation, and ofc you have to put your dd14 above the rest on this occasion.

You think the brides family or her finances family will really know or care to much about op? Maybe her fathers family only at a push but since his childcare is from his side they will all know

Erm, no, she’s also the kid who doesn’t live with her own dad either.

For all you know, DSD has a step-dad too.

And a 29yo scapegoating a 14yo for her dad’s treatment of her is just cruel.

Disagree all you like. But children do not owe their parents acceptance of step siblings. It appears the bride considers the op's child an acquaintance as is her right. She has invited the people she consider family or is close to other than the courtesy invite to the OP, as is her right.

The 14 year old is not being punished, they are not invited because there is no relationship. Learning to manage disappointment is a part of life. How if affects the child will be down to how the OP decides to frame it.

I disagree that DH should have no say in the guest list. He is paying for the Wedding, he is effectively the host. Bride has not put step sister on her guest list, but surely does DH not have the right to invite her himself as his own guest. Why is he not dealing with this, I'd be fuming

Exactly.

It's 2025 not 1955.

I’m afraid either all my children attend the wedding or none.
I would let DH go alone,
I’d have serious words with him too as this is just so wrong to exclude her and at 14 she’s old enough to realise she’s not included
it would be unforgivable as far as I’m concerned
I’d not speak to the bride again tbh as it’s a direct snub

Yep. Exactly.
My MIL threatened not to come to our wedding as we refused to invite my BIL's ex girlfriend 😂once reminded of the types of questions like this she'd likely get from the rest of the family, she graciously decided to come!

It’s not the Olden days where daddy pays and mummy dictates.

These days parents pay because they can and want to. Mostly zero strings because a gift with strings isn’t a gift.

So you’d tell your youngest daughters who clearly know as per op they have different dads they cannot go to their sisters wedding. They cannot be flower girls because other sisters feelings matter more than theirs, matter more than other sisters as well.

What's that got to do with anything.

He is paying to hurt his wife abd stepdaughter.

Bride has the right to include/not include who she wants of course, but in that scenario my view is she can damn well pay for it herself !

But she's not, so this is one thing I'd be making her suck it up on the brat.

His paying for his adult child to have the wedding she wants. Nothing to do with op. It’s not her wedding. It’s not her paying.

As a married couple it most certainly is! The money used on this wedding is family money.

I would. 100% no doubt in my mind.

Not sure why you're trying to make it a competition though.

Only if you decide to lay claim to any money your dh had before he married you. Sounds a bit grabby and golddigger ish.

Because we've moved on, or should have moved on from parents dictating what happens on a wedding day just because they give a gift. He is the brides father and has chosen to pay for the wedding.

How on earth could I let my younger ones down by stopping them going to the wedding and being bridesmaids

Have you explained that because their half sister has a diffent dad. Their other half sister has said she can’t go to the wedding

They might decide to forego the wedding altogether

Must admit to not liking the childcare arrangements one bit

No way would I let dc of that age go to a wedding with what will be a lot of drunk people and a 70year old woman having to keep her eye on them all day

Unless there is a hatred you are deliberately hiding, I would be 100% certain this is about keeping you away OP, for the sake of her mum. Unfortunately your eldest will be caught up in it. I can be super blunt when I choose to be, so I would contact step daughter to say:
"I assume the reason for excluding 14yo from your wedding is to very tactfully uninvite me for your mum's sake. I want you to know that I understand and fully respect your wishes, I want you to have a wonderful day, and I want you to know you will always be my dear step daughter regardless. That said, I would prefer for you to explain directly to 14yo that our absence is just to protect your mum because otherwise a vulnerable child may think it's because of her personality or her behaviour, and that isn't fair to her. Can you do her that kindness please?"

Because that’s what your doing when you decide to use child as pawns within their own families.

Your pitting biological siblings against other to them biological siblings to get what you want.

And as per many threads in Mumsnet alone the younger siblings tend to end up siding with the older one and blame mum for lack of relationship and dad tends to back his biological children.

@thejoyofNC sorry page reloaded was in respond to their post.

I don’t understand posters saying that your husband can’t threaten to pull the cash for the wedding if she doesn’t invite DD. Of course he can!

This isn’t a controlling father of the bride trying to control the guest list or invite his business associates. We are talking about a decision which will possibly end in the family being torn apart/divorce. Of course he can retract his offer in the circumstances!

I agree. I also had someone bring a friend as they had no partner and I’d only met them the week before. Fine with me. I wanted people to enjoy themselves!
I can not even begin to imagine not inviting someone like this.

Plus… how did it even happen? Like has she actually written an invite to her own father and step mum? I would have just turned up with her.

The OPs husband should be saying look I’m paying so I’m paying for her space to come. Surely she wouldn’t actually argue no.

You said your husband clarified it with his daughter, but what was her reason for not inviting your daughter?

It sounds like she was an adult when you got married, so I would understand her not really considering your daughter her stepsister like she would if they had grown up together. It still seems mean not to invite her though.

This.