Page 18 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:53

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2025 18:51

So don't take it out on the kid who's in the equivalent position to you

It's the younger ones she should have an issue with

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I'm not saying it's right. Emotions are rarely logical.

I'm just saying - there will be a reason why the bride has chosen to take her feelings out on the stepsister. I don't know why - I'm just offering a perspective.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2025 18:53

DrummingMousWife · 18/04/2025 18:50

Book something nice for you and dd. Do not go to this horrible event. It’s really unkind and I would be furious at Dh.

Wouldn't want them in my house in the future either

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 18:53

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:14

That's great that you feel that way about your step siblings.

But this bride clearly doesn't.

You can't make people feel things they don't feel!

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They could have some bloody manners though!

Hollieandtheivie · 18/04/2025 18:53

Weddings really put family dynamics under the spotlight. Hoping this can be resolved with some clear and direct communication. My own wedding dramas weren't, and the after effects are still ongoing today. The wedding just highlighted all the unhealthy patterns of relating that had been there all along in an unhappy blended family. Wishing your family all the best.

CombatBarbie · 18/04/2025 18:54

LoopyLouLaLa · 18/04/2025 15:20

Your eldest isn’t related to the bride. It’s the bride’s day. Why can’t your daughter go to her dad’s? These types of events were obviously going to happen when you chose to have a ‘blended’ family,

Seriously......are you on glue!!! Not being part of the wedding party is one thing. Not being invited at all is entirely different!!!

There's 5 years between oldest bio (9) and step daughter (14) so she's known her since she was at least 5....

Lookuptotheskies · 18/04/2025 18:55

Step daughter at 29 and knowing Dad is footing the bill has excluded ONE child from Dad's household.

I think this is horrid cruel behaviour. Even if she wasn't that fond of her she is a grown adult, and has the younger siblings in the ceremony.

I really feel for your eldest dd. 😔 Even if stepdaughter relented and said she could come I'd see her in a completely different light after the non invitation.

Usernamexyz1 · 18/04/2025 18:56

Baital · 18/04/2025 18:51

But the half sisters don't traumatise her? They are flower girls...

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Yeah! Bride is not stupid. She cannot offend dad who is paying by leaving out the half sisters! Common sense really. Bride intends to offend Op and she has achieved her aim. Op even says DH can’t see OP’s issues hence DH refuses to intervene. Go figure !!!

Watermill · 18/04/2025 18:56

Unrelated38 · 18/04/2025 18:48

Yeah I'd be fuming. Unnecessarily cruel to single a child out like that. Absolute spoilt bitch.

Is "D"H intending on paying for all four children's weddings?

Personally, in a marriage, it's not mine and your money. It's our money, legally but also that's the point of marriage. He is not paying for her wedding, you both are, it's coming out of family money that could be spent on family holidays, or the family home, or the other children. If she wants your households money she can invite everyone that bloody lives in your household. And yeah, your 4 relatives.

I'd be telling DH that you will be taking an equal amount out of the family pot for your eldest/yourself as he's spending on her wedding. And he puts his foot down, non negotiable, she is invited or there's no free wedding.

For me this is the kind of thing that is divorce worthy. My child won't be treated as an outsider in their own family. Luckily DP would never allow my DS to be treated this way by anyone.

I agree. There is clearly a serious DH problem here, but OP seems to regard him as Lord of All He Surveys…

No way would I tolerate this nasty shit.

MissPobjoysPonies · 18/04/2025 18:56

I have seen them at other family occasions, I’m cool and am never put near them if a seated event. I don’t want to be involved with someone who doesn’t want to be involved with me.

ironically I thought we were close until this point. What I have established is that they muscle their way in with my siblings, like a cuckoo. My DF was devastated by the situation.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 18:56

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 18/04/2025 18:46

SD is absolutely being a mean bitch in this case. It’s not about her father’s choices. It’s about a family unit of two adults on three children who all live together, and only two adults and two children have been invited to the wedding. What possible harm could it do if the bride to include a 14 year old she’s not related to at particularly close to in her wedding? Because excluding her really does cause harm to the child.

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The 14 year is nothing to the bride. She does not have to include her. Just as the 14 year does not have to include the bride in her family celebrations. It's not that deep. The damage is done when you create an expectation of a family unit which does not exist and then expect independent adults to conform to it. The 14 year old is old enough to understand that it is her sisters sister that is getting married and thus she is on on the guest list. It's the Bride's day and the OP is the one causing the drama.

UndermyShoeJoe · 18/04/2025 18:57

Why would the dh pay for four weddings? He has three children unless I’ve misread. It’s on op and the child’s father to pay for her oldest wedding.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 18:57

CopperWhite · 18/04/2025 18:23

All the people saying the husband should be forcing his daughter to invite his step child because he is paying are so wrong. If he did that he would basically be telling his older daughter that all the feelings she ever had as a child when her parents were moving on to have new partners and children were true. She’s not that important and not only are her parents new children more important than her, but their partners children deserve more loyalty than she does as well.

He may as well tell his oldest daughter that he’s a better father to the children he lives with because he loves them more than he ever loved her.

Nonsense!

InterIgnis · 18/04/2025 18:58

Unrelated38 · 18/04/2025 18:48

Yeah I'd be fuming. Unnecessarily cruel to single a child out like that. Absolute spoilt bitch.

Is "D"H intending on paying for all four children's weddings?

Personally, in a marriage, it's not mine and your money. It's our money, legally but also that's the point of marriage. He is not paying for her wedding, you both are, it's coming out of family money that could be spent on family holidays, or the family home, or the other children. If she wants your households money she can invite everyone that bloody lives in your household. And yeah, your 4 relatives.

I'd be telling DH that you will be taking an equal amount out of the family pot for your eldest/yourself as he's spending on her wedding. And he puts his foot down, non negotiable, she is invited or there's no free wedding.

For me this is the kind of thing that is divorce worthy. My child won't be treated as an outsider in their own family. Luckily DP would never allow my DS to be treated this way by anyone.

Amounts of money can be, and often are, kept separate within a marriage, especially when non-shared children are involved. It may very well be his money he’s spending, not money he and OP hold jointly.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks she should have to do, she’s not invited OP’s DD, and her father isn’t going to try to make her. So yes, she can have her father pay for her wedding and exclude her father’s stepchild. I doubt she’s worried about whether she has much of a relationship with OP going forward (doesn’t sound like she has much of one now, after all). Her father isn’t going to ban her from his and OP’s house, and nor is he going to prevent her having a relationship with her siblings.

bigknitblanket · 18/04/2025 18:58

LoopyLouLaLa · 18/04/2025 15:20

Your eldest isn’t related to the bride. It’s the bride’s day. Why can’t your daughter go to her dad’s? These types of events were obviously going to happen when you chose to have a ‘blended’ family,

That’s so harsh…the rest of the household are going to a family wedding and you think it’s okay to leave one person out? It’s unnecessarily mean.

MusedeBordeaux · 18/04/2025 18:59

BigHeadBertha · 18/04/2025 18:40

That's also projection. You have no way of knowing the bride didn't include her stepsister to be "spiteful."

For just one example, it might well simply be a child-free wedding. In that case, making exceptions causes a whole lot more trouble and hurt feelings than not making exceptions does. The bride and groom can't possibly satisfy everyone.

Yet, OP says she can't be bothered to even ask if it's a child-free wedding, before making it all about herself and trying to drive a wedge between her husband and his daughter.

Also, there are space and money considerations, and the bride and groom are likely young and inexperienced in wedding planning.

So, no, we don't know that the bride is being "spiteful," do we.

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Give over. A child left out, while rest of her family are welcome.

Posters bending themselves out of shape to defend this shows how damn petty and mean spirited people can be.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 19:00

BigHeadBertha · 18/04/2025 18:28

She argues on and on, rudely and without grasping the full situation or listening to the reasoning behind other opinions.

I'm afraid you'll just have to let her have the last word because she just doesn't quit. I'm so sorry you've been put through this.

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What are you on about??? Makes zero sense!

Orwellsunshine · 18/04/2025 19:00

Sunholidays · 18/04/2025 18:28

If the bride wanted to avoid a drama she'd have invited her step sister to her wedding.

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I think op’s husband should point this out to his daughter. There is no need for any of this. Weddings are a celebration of love and fresh beginnings, not an opportunity to settle old scores. It would cost the bride nothing to invite her step sister (her father is paying) and she will scarcely even notice the 14 year old is there. The absence of her step mother, however, would be highly noticeable and would suggest their relationship is far more fraught than it actually is. She could avoid all this by just inviting her step sister. Her father needs to explain this to her. If she won’t listen, after it’s been clearly explained, then one can only assume that she wants to have a row and cause an unpleasant drama.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 19:01

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 18:56

The 14 year is nothing to the bride. She does not have to include her. Just as the 14 year does not have to include the bride in her family celebrations. It's not that deep. The damage is done when you create an expectation of a family unit which does not exist and then expect independent adults to conform to it. The 14 year old is old enough to understand that it is her sisters sister that is getting married and thus she is on on the guest list. It's the Bride's day and the OP is the one causing the drama.

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Hard disagree!

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 18/04/2025 19:02

Yanbu to not go. Plan something nice for you and dad, maybe a night at a fancy hotel somewhere and meal out...and something for the next day. Don't go rushing back. Your DH can deal with the other kids on a hangover. He made his bed.

CopperWhite · 18/04/2025 19:02

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2025 18:51

So don't take it out on the kid who's in the equivalent position to you

It's the younger ones she should have an issue with

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She’s not a kid that’s in the same position though. She’s the lucky kid her dad chose to live with, and she got to grow up with her sisters, which sadly the bride missed out on.

WimpoleHat · 18/04/2025 19:02

Her father will include her. The OP won't be given a choice by the sound of it.

But include her in what? A friend of mine is in a similar set up (albeit without an older child of her own). But she’s very much the facilitator: she cooks the big family meals, arranges the outings that the older kids might like to come on, remembers to invite the older ones to parties etc. If she stepped away from that, I would imagine her DH would have almost entirely separate relationships with his two sets of kids. I should imagine it could well work out the same way here.

UndermyShoeJoe · 18/04/2025 19:02

Also I don’t think the bride is having any drama. The only drama appears to be in op’s house between her and her dh.

As far as the bride is concerned child’s not invited. Dad, you haven’t invited child? Yeah I know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zero drama for her.

Waterweight · 18/04/2025 19:03

It sounds like an awkward age gap I'd keep all the kids home & attend with just my partner.
They may change massively when they're both older & have kids ect. But right now there at diff stages of their lives

Helen1625 · 18/04/2025 19:04

@Ombreofmyself what is your stepdaughter like generally? Is she a kind person? Is she selfish/self centred? Just trying to gauge what her mindset is like, as in, is she doing it to be spiteful, has she got form for this kind of behaviour? Is she a bit immature? Or has she just not thought about how this will play out?

WimpoleHat · 18/04/2025 19:07

Zero drama for her.

There might be on the day.

“Where’s OP? I haven’t said hello to her yet.”
”I haven’t seen her. Have you seen OP, Mavis?”
”Apparently she’s not here.”
”Really! Why not? I thought they all got on okay?”
”She’s with her older daughter.”
”Oh - is she unwell?”
”No - she wasn’t invited….”
”Gosh - why not…..?”

And the DH will have to field multiple questions of this nature. For most of the day. And will probably have to be far more “on duty” with his younger daughters than he was expecting to be. So he won’t be on top form either. And so on and so forth. I suspect it might create all sorts of issues for the bride…..