14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

If it was OP’s daughter excluding the DSD on her wedding day, you’d be singing a very different tune.

I personally would never speak to sd ever again.
Downright cruel behaviour

If she’s such a grown up maybe she should pay for her own wedding then rather than accept money from OP’s household ?

That part of it isn’t the OP’s drama to deal with. If it has to be made into a drama (which it still doesn’t) it’s her Dad’s drama, but as it’s him and his wife that planned this family in the first place, it’s not a problem to expect them to deal with any consequences.

Note my use of ‘IF he’s cashed in all his ISAs’.

SD is absolutely being a mean bitch in this case. It’s not about her father’s choices. It’s about a family unit of two adults on three children who all live together, and only two adults and two children have been invited to the wedding. What possible harm could it do if the bride to include a 14 year old she’s not related to at particularly close to in her wedding? Because excluding her really does cause harm to the child.

She can't do that as her husband has the right to insist they're there

I think bride and her father are behaving very badly

If biological family members are invited without spouses or partners then yes, excluding a step sister is consistent. But I wonder how many people would come under those conditions?

Given the step sister is 14, living with the bride's father, step mother and half sisters, then she is the same as a spouse/ long term partner. Not necessarily family, but so closely connected to someone who is 'family' they come as a package deal.

The bride can exclude them, of course, but needs to accept the damage to relationships that ensue.

@EnidSpyton …you are making this up as you go along!

I feel genuinely sorry for my husband. He has aged 10 years overnight. There is no way on earth he would withdraw money because of this. His daughter wouldn’t speak to him again.

My daughter knows my stepdaughter is getting married and knows the younger ones are bridesmaids. She doesn’t know she isn’t invited.

How on earth could I let my younger ones down by stopping them going to the wedding and being bridesmaids?

They know their sisters have different daddies and aren’t related to one another.

My daughter has a reasonably involved father but I still wouldn’t go without her.

Yes, and the only reason the dad seems to want his wife there is so she can take care of their daughters.

Yeah I'd be fuming. Unnecessarily cruel to single a child out like that. Absolute spoilt bitch.

Is "D"H intending on paying for all four children's weddings?

Personally, in a marriage, it's not mine and your money. It's our money, legally but also that's the point of marriage. He is not paying for her wedding, you both are, it's coming out of family money that could be spent on family holidays, or the family home, or the other children. If she wants your households money she can invite everyone that bloody lives in your household. And yeah, your 4 relatives.

I'd be telling DH that you will be taking an equal amount out of the family pot for your eldest/yourself as he's spending on her wedding. And he puts his foot down, non negotiable, she is invited or there's no free wedding.

For me this is the kind of thing that is divorce worthy. My child won't be treated as an outsider in their own family. Luckily DP would never allow my DS to be treated this way by anyone.

As an adult I was the ONLY member of my family not invited to a family wedding. I can tell you that this has caused a huge rift, followed by another event that I was again excluded from.

I can genuinely tell you I have no idea why, none of my family does. I am the youngest of several siblings- all whom were invited with their children, my parents were invited. But not me and never an explanation. I was beyond hurt and I can feel myself feeling hurt again writing it down.

being the one family member left out in the cold through no fault of my own is a shitty place to be as an adult, you SD is a cow.

@MusedeBordeaux You really can't understand how someone might be affected by their dad starting a whole new family when they're 19 years old?

It's not a huge reach to imagine how the bride might have felt utterly replaced and rejected by her dad deciding to begin again with a new wife and new kids as she reached adulthood, and that is why she rejects her stepsister.

Now, this may not be the case at all. She may just be a nasty bitch.

However, I would be surprised if there is not a lot of emotional trauma connected to her dad and stepmother's relationship and their children together that has informed this decision.

Sorry to hear that happened to you. Did you ever speak to those relatives again?

I doubt it will have any impact whatsoever on the DSD or she'll care.

Her father will include her. The OP won't be given a choice by the sound of it.

This has reminded me I had people at my wedding I had never even met but was happy to invite them as it was a nice and right thing to do. A friend brought a friend rather than her fiancé who doesn't like weddings. Two ladies who had been in my fiancé's life since he was small and whom it meant a lot to be invited. One then had to pull out but kindly sent a card explaining and a gift. And then another relative of his who wouldn't normally be expected to be asked but who I couldn't leave out. Finally, the girlfriend of a cousin whom I'd also never met. They couldn't be apart for a day apparently.

So, leaving out your eldest is just mean, bad manners and unforgivable.

Book something nice for you and dd. Do not go to this horrible event. It’s really unkind and I would be furious at Dh.

It is SO obvious the bride wants her father and half sisters there only.

14yo will not care. OP cares. OP knowsshe cannot go now.This was the intent.

I'm simply offering an alternative viewpoint.

I have used hypotheticals throughout.

None of us know the reality beyond what the OP has chosen to tell us.

Your step daughter sounds achingly cruel and bullyish. To single someone that you’ve spent a good few years knowing seems targeted and mean. Regardless of anything, nothing could warrant such bullyish behaviour directed at a 14 yo, especially as a 29yo!

Your 14 yo isn’t stupid and eventually she’ll find out. But she’ll feel so much better knowing that her mum stood by her, than attended and allowed her to be singled out like that.

What a sad situation.

But the half sisters don't traumatise her? They are flower girls...

So don't take it out on the kid who's in the equivalent position to you

It's the younger ones she should have an issue with

I didn’t say she will excluded by her dad. And she will find out in time that she absolutely does care about being excluded by her step-mum. Who do you think OP’s daughters will be closer to, their mum or a half-sister who excludes their other half-sister that they live with?

Look at OP’s husband, who has aged overnight because his wife has refused to attend the wedding. These people are already affected by OP showing her backbone.