Page 16 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/04/2025 18:30

MzHz · 18/04/2025 18:20

I’d be suggesting that your H says to his Dd that the money is coming from your family funds and as she is excluding her stepsister it effectively excludes her mother so therefore the amount of money being given is halved.

how fucking dare she. Ungrateful wagon

That is a very good point. I find it outrageous that she thinks she can have her cake and eat it. This is shockingly rude.

CopperWhite · 18/04/2025 18:31

Auldy · 18/04/2025 17:57

At the expense of the feelings of a 14 year old? I would very kindly and gently suggest that if a woman is so damaged by her childhood that she needs to get into a loyalty war with a child on her wedding day she probably needs to do some serious work in counselling...maybe even with her dad.

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Perhaps she does. Her father should be paying for that too.

MusedeBordeaux · 18/04/2025 18:31

Often parents and stepparents can be totally oblivious to the feelings of their children/stepchildren when it comes to the new families they've created.

I do not disagree with this statement @EnidSpyton but this isn't a wider conversation about blended families. This about one child being pointedly left out of something the other 4 members of her family is invited to.

The exclusion is a calculated one, not an oversight, and certainly doesn't sound like its borne out of pain or bad feeling beyond an act of spite.

I cannot comprehend it tbh.

nomas · 18/04/2025 18:31

Diarygirlqueen · 18/04/2025 18:30

Im not sure why you keep mentioning that your husband is paying for the wedding? It's his daughter and he must want to do it, it still doesn't entitle him to dictate who she invites to her wedding, like your parents or sister.
However, she is being totally unreasonable not inviting your daughter. She may not have much of a relationship with her, but to leave one child out of a household is unnecessarily cruel. What about getting her dad to approach her mother?

If he’s cashed in all his ISAs to pay for this wedding then that would concern me too. He doesn’t exist in a vacuum, usually family money is shared.

BlackStrayCat · 18/04/2025 18:31

OP it is YOU that has not been invited. Do you not see this?

You have to accept it and not make a fuss.

Moglet4 · 18/04/2025 18:32

It’s unkind but he certainly can’t ‘insist’ - paying or not, it’s not his wedding and he has no say over the guest list. That said, he could certainly point out to her that he would appreciate her being asked.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2025 18:32

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:02

Oh I do get it. I'm not saying it's ok. I'm just saying I understand why she might have made that decision.

Because what I also get is that sometimes, when you've spent your whole life playing second fiddle and bending over backwards to keep the peace between two blended families, with you being the person who matters least to everyone, you just want to do what you want for a change, without having to be diplomatic.

And I think, if you can't put yourself first on your wedding day, then when can you?

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You seem to have a hidden agenda or are projecting.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:33

MusedeBordeaux · 18/04/2025 18:31

Often parents and stepparents can be totally oblivious to the feelings of their children/stepchildren when it comes to the new families they've created.

I do not disagree with this statement @EnidSpyton but this isn't a wider conversation about blended families. This about one child being pointedly left out of something the other 4 members of her family is invited to.

The exclusion is a calculated one, not an oversight, and certainly doesn't sound like its borne out of pain or bad feeling beyond an act of spite.

I cannot comprehend it tbh.

But spite comes out of trauma, doesn't it?

She wouldn't be feeling spiteful if she hadn't have been hurt at some point.

To be spiteful like this doesn't come out of nowhere, which is why I suspect there is a bigger backstory here than has been provided - or perhaps than the OP is even aware of herself.

ThejoyofNC · 18/04/2025 18:33

Are you not hugely bothered by the fact that your DH doesn't think enough of your DD to do something about this? Yes he questioned it once but he's now just accepted it. I'd go mental at my DH.

It's funny how you say he would put his foot down with you if you wanted to pull your daughter's out of the wedding, but he'd unwilling to put his foot down with her. Have a think about that.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 18:33

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:21

But that's exactly my point.

Often parents and stepparents can be totally oblivious to the feelings of their children/stepchildren when it comes to the new families they've created.

I've been a teacher for a very long time and you wouldn't believe the stuff kids tell us about their home lives of which their parents have zero awareness.

I'm not saying that what this bride is doing isn't unpleasant. It sends a very clear message that she doesn't see her stepsister as a family member, which is not a nice thing to do to a child, and you'd hope that whatever her feelings and whatever the reasons behind them, she'd be able to get past them to include her stepsister in the celebrations.

However, while I wouldn't do this myself, and while I do think it's unpleasant behaviour, I can understand why the bride might have made that choice. I don't think it automatically makes her a nasty person. I think it makes her someone who has clearly had a very complicated childhood with messy and complex relationships with younger step and half siblings, and rather than leap to judgement, I think it's important to seek to see her potential side of the story. She might be an adult, but within that adult may still be a child who has felt hurt at some point when it comes to family life, and that is now manifesting itself in her choices over who she is and isn't inviting to her wedding.

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OP's older daughter would have been four and her step-daughter would have been 19 when OP married her DH.

Even if she completely resented her step-sister, she must have realised that she had even less say in the setting up of this blended family than she did, as OP's daughter was so young when this happened.

If they were a similar age, did not get on and OP's elder daughter had moved out of the family home and was living independently, excluding her from the wedding would be fairly rude, but not particularly hurtful.

The fact that she is deliberately excluding a child, who lives in the family home with her dad and two half sisters, is deliberately cruel and designed to hurt not just OP but her 14 year old daughter.

Flossflower · 18/04/2025 18:33

Ombreofmyself · 18/04/2025 17:47

I can admit to complete strangers this as well, I had expected my parents, sister and BiL to be invited as well as my husband is paying. How is that for entitled?

I also have just realised I will miss my beauties all dressed up.

OP, I think your step daughter is being very mean not inviting your daughter, but expecting more members of your family to be invited is not on. Your step daughter will hardly know your parents, sister or BIL.
People can have a child free wedding but clearly this one has some children. Most people usually include family14 year olds, even in child free weddings.
Your step daughter is getting married in a church but clearly she is not very Christian.
I agree with taking your daughter out on a lovely day and just leaving them to get on with it. Just don’t help with any of the arrangements. Leave your husband to sort out things. As they say you have a husband problem.

nomas · 18/04/2025 18:34

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:02

Oh I do get it. I'm not saying it's ok. I'm just saying I understand why she might have made that decision.

Because what I also get is that sometimes, when you've spent your whole life playing second fiddle and bending over backwards to keep the peace between two blended families, with you being the person who matters least to everyone, you just want to do what you want for a change, without having to be diplomatic.

And I think, if you can't put yourself first on your wedding day, then when can you?

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Let’s see how DSD likes being excluded in future by OP.

Tricho · 18/04/2025 18:35

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 18:27

She is not being deliberately hurtful. She has invited her father, his wife, as a courtesy, and her bio sisters. She may not consider her to be her stepmother just her father's wife, who happens to have a daughter. They are acquaintances to her rather than part of her family. It's ok for her to view them as that, especially if they came into her life when she was 18 years old.

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She is very much being deliberately hurtful.

If you think she's not you're fooling yourself

Usernamexyz1 · 18/04/2025 18:35

BlackStrayCat · 18/04/2025 18:31

OP it is YOU that has not been invited. Do you not see this?

You have to accept it and not make a fuss.

I have said exactly the same! Clear as day light.

Diarygirlqueen · 18/04/2025 18:36

@nomas the OP said he cashed ISAs, she didn't say it was all of them, so we don't know the financial side. It's still his daughter.

BlackStrayCat · 18/04/2025 18:37

... and DH knows too.

Teado · 18/04/2025 18:37

I’m expecting an Aibu soon from the 70 year old sister about being invited to a wedding and then lumbered with childcare 😆

Moglet4 · 18/04/2025 18:38

Ombreofmyself · 18/04/2025 17:47

I can admit to complete strangers this as well, I had expected my parents, sister and BiL to be invited as well as my husband is paying. How is that for entitled?

I also have just realised I will miss my beauties all dressed up.

Now that really is entitled and unreasonable. Why on earth would she invite your parents or sister?! The mind boggles.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 18:38

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 18/04/2025 18:29

It’s not about feeling or lack of it, it’s about deliberately excluding one child from a family of five. It’s cruel and unforgivable. I would be having a very different attitude to this step daughter moving forward.

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Why should the bride have to prioritise her father's choices on her own wedding day? He chose his relationship with the OP. Along with that choice came the OP's child. The bride does not have to give equal weighting in her family to those new members of her FATHER'S family.

Women are always being told not to prioritise the needs of others over their own yet when they do prioritise their own needs they are 'bitches' and 'mean'.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:38

RampantIvy · 18/04/2025 18:32

You seem to have a hidden agenda or are projecting.

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There is no 'hidden agenda' other than attempting to see why the bride may be behaving this way.

It is an unpleasant thing to do that the bride will know will cause upset. Why would she do that? Why does she want to hurt her stepmother and her stepsister? There will be a reason, and it's not just because she's a 'bitch'. People are far more psychologically complex than that!

As a teacher of many children who have experienced messy divorces, I also know that there is a lot that children are expected to deal with and 'get on with' when it comes to blended families that causes real emotional trauma. So I think it's important to bear that in mind.

There are always two sides to every story.

Booksaresick · 18/04/2025 18:38

ThejoyofNC · 18/04/2025 16:12

Controversial but if one of my kids was excluded then none of them would be going. This is a family occasion and the bride is splitting up a family.

Absolutely 100% this

Smokesandeats · 18/04/2025 18:39

I would book a special weekend away with your 14 year old DD to avoid the wedding day completely. As she’s a teenager, she’d probably enjoy the type of city break that wouldn’t be suitable for your younger children.

Your SD is being very unkind and your DH is a pathetic wimp to not insist on your older DD being included.

MusedeBordeaux · 18/04/2025 18:39

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:33

But spite comes out of trauma, doesn't it?

She wouldn't be feeling spiteful if she hadn't have been hurt at some point.

To be spiteful like this doesn't come out of nowhere, which is why I suspect there is a bigger backstory here than has been provided - or perhaps than the OP is even aware of herself.

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Your stretches I cannot reach. Happy to take her dad's money, but couldn't give a shit if she blows up a family over her special day!

I am glad I don't know anyone who would carry on like this, let alone defend it.

BigHeadBertha · 18/04/2025 18:40

MusedeBordeaux · 18/04/2025 18:14

I can defend it because I know how toxic stepfamilies and blended families can be, and I also know how utterly deluded some parents can be about how 'unaffected' their children have been by being incorporated into new blended families against their will.

This is projection. The OP has conveyed nothing remotely toxic about their set up.

It is shit and very wrong to leave the girl out.

In all the weddings and set ups, blended families etc I know and have known, I have never heard of something so spiteful.

That's also projection. You have no way of knowing the bride didn't include her stepsister to be "spiteful."

For just one example, it might well simply be a child-free wedding. In that case, making exceptions causes a whole lot more trouble and hurt feelings than not making exceptions does. The bride and groom can't possibly satisfy everyone.

Yet, OP says she can't be bothered to even ask if it's a child-free wedding, before making it all about herself and trying to drive a wedge between her husband and his daughter.

Also, there are space and money considerations, and the bride and groom are likely young and inexperienced in wedding planning.

So, no, we don't know that the bride is being "spiteful," do we.

BoredZelda · 18/04/2025 18:41

LoopyLouLaLa · 18/04/2025 15:20

Your eldest isn’t related to the bride. It’s the bride’s day. Why can’t your daughter go to her dad’s? These types of events were obviously going to happen when you chose to have a ‘blended’ family,

By this example, the OP shouldn’t be going either.

Neither should anyone else who isn’t related to her.

This is a crappy thing for the bride to do.