14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

This, I’d be devastated if I had raised such an unpleasant spiteful young woman. If my daughters did this to their step sister, even their dads wife’s daughter I would be appalled

If she's not mature enough to understand that this child was raised in EXACTLY the same circumstances as she was then I really don't think she should be getting married.

I’d be suggesting that your H says to his Dd that the money is coming from your family funds and as she is excluding her stepsister it effectively excludes her mother so therefore the amount of money being given is halved.

how fucking dare she. Ungrateful wagon

I was with you right up until you said you expected your parents, sister and BIL to be invited! That's absolutely ridiculous.

Your stepdaughter was an adult away at uni when you came on the scene, so presumably your role in her life has been Dad's 2nd Wife rather than Stepmother - by which I mean you played no part in raising her. It's understandable that she wouldn't see your daughter as part of her family. However, I can completely understand how being left out of the wedding would hurt your 14yo.

She's commented to you that her father is a better person now that he's older (and that it might partly be to do with you) so it sounds like their relationship wasn't all that great when she was young.

And maybe the younger sisters will realise that the bride is being deliberately hurtful to their other half sister, and decide their own wedding invitations accordingly.

You need to tell your eldest asap, how does she not know if they younger ones are really excited?

But that's exactly my point.

Often parents and stepparents can be totally oblivious to the feelings of their children/stepchildren when it comes to the new families they've created.

I've been a teacher for a very long time and you wouldn't believe the stuff kids tell us about their home lives of which their parents have zero awareness.

I'm not saying that what this bride is doing isn't unpleasant. It sends a very clear message that she doesn't see her stepsister as a family member, which is not a nice thing to do to a child, and you'd hope that whatever her feelings and whatever the reasons behind them, she'd be able to get past them to include her stepsister in the celebrations.

However, while I wouldn't do this myself, and while I do think it's unpleasant behaviour, I can understand why the bride might have made that choice. I don't think it automatically makes her a nasty person. I think it makes her someone who has clearly had a very complicated childhood with messy and complex relationships with younger step and half siblings, and rather than leap to judgement, I think it's important to seek to see her potential side of the story. She might be an adult, but within that adult may still be a child who has felt hurt at some point when it comes to family life, and that is now manifesting itself in her choices over who she is and isn't inviting to her wedding.

All the people saying the husband should be forcing his daughter to invite his step child because he is paying are so wrong. If he did that he would basically be telling his older daughter that all the feelings she ever had as a child when her parents were moving on to have new partners and children were true. She’s not that important and not only are her parents new children more important than her, but their partners children deserve more loyalty than she does as well.

He may as well tell his oldest daughter that he’s a better father to the children he lives with because he loves them more than he ever loved her.

Bride can have zero feelings for the step sister but still do the right thing by including her as a guest. She chooses not to, knowing full well it will likely hurt the girls feelings and put her father in a shit position. Mean girl indeed, and very weak from OP's DH.

You said it yourself, your eldest daughter is not considered family. The other daughters are half sisters so totally different boat as far as your step daughter is concerned. Sad maybe, but you say she’s pleasant to her but they are not close and it’s her choice. I agree it’s mean though, and your DH should have been stronger in encouraging/insisting she be invited. You do seem entitled with regards to your other family though - maybe i picked you up wrong - you are not seriously expecting your parents etc to be invited because your DH is paying..? Why would your step daughter invite your parents?

But it’s not her problem is it? She’s invited her fathers wife as a courtesy only let’s face it. She’s invited her actual siblings to be part of her wedding family. She’s just washing her hands of step apart from the courtesy invite which op is rejecting. Likely something she also doesn’t care about.

Her wedding with her loved ones without op and op’s daughter. Her own father doesn’t really see it as an issue.

One can be old enough and mature enough to get married but not want people you don’t like there without having to think of someone else’s feeling on one of the very few days your meant to be a tiny bit selfish as it’s actually just about you and your partner.

Not if OP and her husband play it right and plan something else nice for the oldest daughter. They understand and accept the family dynamics and nothings a secret, so there’s no reason for it to cause a drama.

I would insist it's an all or nothing deal.

She is not being deliberately hurtful. She has invited her father, his wife, as a courtesy, and her bio sisters. She may not consider her to be her stepmother just her father's wife, who happens to have a daughter. They are acquaintances to her rather than part of her family. It's ok for her to view them as that, especially if they came into her life when she was 18 years old.

I do agree with this post.

But it is a really nasty move. Aa someone else said she would probably barely speak to the 14 year old on the day anyway.

I think what you should do is very politely decline the invitation. Please, do not make a fuss. Simply do something nice with your DD1 instead.

Let your DH juggle being father-of-the-bride to his adult daughter while struggling to care for his youngest two. That should be fun!

She argues on and on, rudely and without grasping the full situation or listening to the reasoning behind other opinions.

I'm afraid you'll just have to let her have the last word because she just doesn't quit. I'm so sorry you've been put through this.

If the bride wanted to avoid a drama she'd have invited her step sister to her wedding.

There will be numerous guests not related to the bride ,and it's not at all obvious that this would happen .
The bride is being mean and unkind for whatever reason ,she will know clearly how hurtful this will be for those involved .

It’s not about feeling or lack of it, it’s about deliberately excluding one child from a family of five. It’s cruel and unforgivable. I would be having a very different attitude to this step daughter moving forward.

If the bride wanted to avoid a drama she'd have invited her step sister to her wedding

Nail on head

That's very cruel and insensitive to purposefully exclude one child! I would give her one more chance to make this right, before cancelling the wedding. If your husband goes along with this, then he is a wet drip who doesn't have his children's backs when it counts. Your child will remember the betrayal, always.

Organise a weekend away for you and your dd on the wedding date, and go low contact with the stepdaughter. Little miss spiteful has shown her true colours.

YANBU. You’re right not to go. You’re right not to stop your younger DDs from going.

But DSD would be dead to me now. I’d not make any effort for her whatsoever from now on.

Im not sure why you keep mentioning that your husband is paying for the wedding? It's his daughter and he must want to do it, it still doesn't entitle him to dictate who she invites to her wedding, like your parents or sister.
However, she is being totally unreasonable not inviting your daughter. She may not have much of a relationship with her, but to leave one child out of a household is unnecessarily cruel. What about getting her dad to approach her mother?