14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

You are painting a lovely portrait of her...

Of course OP's SD doesn't have to see her step-sister as 'family'.

But if she wants her younger half-sisters to have a relationship with her and be part of her wedding, she needs to accept that their 14 year old, living with them, other half-sister is a 'plus one'.

But they are related to her. She doesn't have to see the stepdaughter as part of her life. Its not personal. I am surrounded by steps' the biggest mistakes any parents makes is trying to force that relationship. Your children are independent of you. They get to decide who they consider family and what part they want those family members take.

I said 'maybe' and 'who knows' - it's a hypothetical.

I don't understand why you find it so difficult to understand why a child of a blended family might feel resentment towards a parent or step sibling.

I have to say, I agree with this.

I understand child free weddings, and even ones where the only children there are those involved in the bridal/wedding party. But you cannot just completely exclude one of their siblings. That's just cruel and I would be telling her so. I definitely wouldn't be going because of this. She can't just single your DD out like this and expect you to just accept it.

Actually, your DH should be telling her this rather than wimping out. People are likely on the day to at least ask where you are and I hope he will be honest about why you aren't there.

I mean a lot of step children who’s fathers set up a new house even without then step siblings feel like they missed out and were cast aside let alone stepping up to play dad to another child full time while leaving his own child. Yeah that’s a deep wound left on children. But of course she should get over it to protect the feeling of the very child his playing to dad too 🙃

OP that's horribly cruel behaviour. And you're well within your rights to say if she isn't attending neither of you. She's setting out a very firm boundary that your DD isn't part of her family but the only person she's hurting is a child. And you by default.

I'm not sure I'd be terribly forgiving towards your DH over it all either to be truthful either. He is still his DD's parent and she's behaving badly. It's his responsibility to call her out for it.

My step daughter is 29. Why on earth would I refuse to tell people that?

I do think your daughter should be invited... However I'm not really sure about your parents, sister brother in law etc if your step daughter doesn't see her step sister as family, would she really see your family as her family or important people in her life?

@EnidSpyton i guarantee there will be other family members there that she doesn’t see often. A big wedding - especially when parents pay - always include someone the bride or groom aren’t close to.

Saying the bride doesn’t really know her stepsister doesn’t make any difference. They became joined when her dad married.

I say that having three step siblings and having invited them to my weddings. I probably haven’t seen them for over a decade but they are still family.

What a sad situation for family/blended family relationships. Instead of exercising some diplomacy and inviting her step-sister who she’s known for many years and has a cordial relationship with, plus shares half-sisters with, she’s thrown a grenade into the family and walked away.

Plan a fabulous day just you and your DD to try and take the sting out of the f@!k you she’s been shown. I wonder if your younger DD’s will demonstrate a similar attitude if they marry one day and exclude their older half-sister too? I hope not.

That's great that you feel that way about your step siblings.

But this bride clearly doesn't.

You can't make people feel things they don't feel!

I can defend it because I know how toxic stepfamilies and blended families can be, and I also know how utterly deluded some parents can be about how 'unaffected' their children have been by being incorporated into new blended families against their will.

This is projection. The OP has conveyed nothing remotely toxic about their set up.

It is shit and very wrong to leave the girl out.

In all the weddings and set ups, blended families etc I know and have known, I have never heard of something so spiteful.

Look. She's taking her dad's money for her wedding. She's a 29 year old woman. She's now leaving him in a really awkward position. She should pay for her own wedding rather than doing this. It would still be a rude thing for her to have done even if she was paying her own way. But her current actions are just... indefensible.

Isn’t awful bride 28ish? OP posts account to that, she hasn’t avoided sharing it, just needs a bit of summing. So a proper adult (tho sponging off dad for her ‘dreeeeaam daaaayyy’ suggests a young 28…). Agree with PPs, she has marked her lines, if respected for this day they go allllll the way into the future- stays, future events, babysitting etc. Not only is bride being mean, she’s being incredibly foolish and short sighted, and doesn’t seem to care about putting her dad in this position either 🤷‍♀️

But she doesn't have to see the 14 year old as a plus 1. I doubt she will lose any sleep when the younger stepsister gets married and does not invite her but does have the two younger bio siblings there. More time should be spent managing the 14 year old's expectations that it is not personal.

The parents chose each other, unrelated siblings don't have to choose each other or the step parents.

Then she needs to address it with her father - who is paying for her dream wedding...

She has been only extending a curtesy invite to his wife only.

I am usually the first to defend child-free weddings (apart from the bridesmaids) but this seems unnecessarily cruel and pointed.

Has she been told that you are hurt and furious or has your lily-livered DH not told her yet? Might make her come to her senses.

What a way to join families and celebrate togetherness- by excluding a 14 year old. It’s despicable really.

I mean kids don't choose any of their relatives do they.

Op has a husband problem. I'd be inclined to throw my toys out of the pram and withdraw from it all, including withdrawing the flower girls who are being paraded to show how kind the bride is to include her half sisters. In fact it would be a deal breaker for me.

DH said if I wasn’t there he would have to ask his 70 sister and her daughter in law to look after them as he will be on top table.

Will the DDs be okay with this aunt and cousin? I agree that kids shouldn’t be used as pawns in this sort of situation, but there’s an element of natural consequences here. If your DD doesn’t go, then you don’t go. But if you don’t go, you’re not there to sort out the girls etc - and then there’s the question of how they’ll be looked after given that your DH will (understandably) be busy.

Mhmmm I was clear

your eldest joint dd is 9. So she was 19 when you fell pregnant.

op, put yourself in her shoes. This is the one time she wants it just to be her, dad and your 2 youngest. You judged it correctly: you and your 14 dd are not invited.

none of this is right. She even hasn’t considered her dad needs you to be there for the 2 half sisters if he is to play father of the bride role which is her main focus. Good luck untangling this. Can his parents or siblings be asked to keep an eye on 2 half sisters? Or maybe they too will not be able to attend! However, I refuse to judge the bride seeing the step- parenting threads on mn and the emotional struggles of first families!

She is his daughter, it's not unreasonable for him to contribute.

To deliberately leave out one young person in a blended family, because they are not a blood relation, does not reflect well on the bride at all.

Your DH should have out his foot down since he is paying for it, but frankly, he shouldn't have to. She is being an utter bitch,