Page 13 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 17:57

Radra · 18/04/2025 17:56

Well the OP states the reason behind her expectation in the post I quoted - because her husband is paying.

I think it's a reasonable assumption that a SD who was an adult when she met her step mum doesn't spend a lot of time with her step mum's parents.

Edited

Show quote history

You don't know that.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:58

RampantIvy · 18/04/2025 17:55

No, we are seeing your true colours on this thread.

Show quote history

In what way?

I think it's totally lacking in any empathy to not consider why the bride might feel this way about her stepsister.

For someone to make such a deliberate exclusion, there may well have been some real trauma associated with the breakup of her birth family and the creation of this blended family, that has had a deep emotional impact on the bride.

If that means she can't or doesn't want to have her stepsister there on her wedding day, to remind her of said trauma, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect that wish to be respected.

Why should she have to put the (imagined) feelings of a 14 year old girl above her own on her own wedding day?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/04/2025 17:58

I'm afraid you've got a husband problem. You need to ensure that you protect your daughter's financial future - that much is obvious.

MusedeBordeaux · 18/04/2025 17:58

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:54

Exactly. And now we're seeing the OP's true colours come out.

Show quote history

This place is mental. 😂

DearBee · 18/04/2025 17:59

If your DH had any backbone, he'd insist on his family being treated as family. Particularly as he's paying - which is just insult to injury. But even if he wasn't. He doesn't see your daughter as family, and that's the bigger issue here.

Anyway, she's given you and your daughter a massive 'fuck you' given the context. Personally I would choose not to see or communicate with her again after this.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 17:59

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:54

Exactly. And now we're seeing the OP's true colours come out.

Show quote history

OP admitted that she was being entitled to have those thoughts. She obviously thought that the two families were more blended than they actually are.

OP is probably fair game for all the insults that have been flung her way but her 14 year old daughter is blameless. She was made part of a blended family with no say in the matter, just like OP's step-daughter. It's a shame that she doesn't have any empathy for a child in a similar position to herself, no matter how much she dislikes the OP.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2025 18:00

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:58

In what way?

I think it's totally lacking in any empathy to not consider why the bride might feel this way about her stepsister.

For someone to make such a deliberate exclusion, there may well have been some real trauma associated with the breakup of her birth family and the creation of this blended family, that has had a deep emotional impact on the bride.

If that means she can't or doesn't want to have her stepsister there on her wedding day, to remind her of said trauma, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect that wish to be respected.

Why should she have to put the (imagined) feelings of a 14 year old girl above her own on her own wedding day?

Show quote history

You obviously don't get it do you?

Can you really not see the bigger picture or not have any idea about diplomacy?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 18:00

CopperWhite · 18/04/2025 17:50

That’s not true. She’d be expected to make her a bridesmaid if she wanted her own sisters as bridesmaids and would be called mean if she didn’t.

Why should she though? Her wedding day doesn’t exist to make her dad’s Partnners children have a nice family day. It’s about people important to the bride and groom being there to celebrate them.

We have no idea if there will be other children at the wedding apart from siblings. The bride and groom might be saying no to children of their own close friends, or their cousins. It would be very entitled of OP to assume her child would be welcome if that’s the decision they made for their wedding.

Show quote history

I don't think she would expect to be a bridesmaid, but an invite would have been the decent thing to do.

As for "child", the girl is 14, so hardly likely to be misbehaving or interfering with the day in any way.

Like it or not, there's a certain amount of 'politics' involved in weddings and I don't see the point in creating tension for the sake of it.

Ponderingwindow · 18/04/2025 18:00

Anyone remotely close to the happy couple would know if children are on the general guest list.

Your husband not knowing and letting you know makes it seem like he doesn’t have a real relationship with his daughter. Is it possible she feels resentment over a step-daughter that got more attention than she did when growing up?

Sunholidays · 18/04/2025 18:01

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:51

I can defend it because I know how toxic stepfamilies and blended families can be, and I also know how utterly deluded some parents can be about how 'unaffected' their children have been by being incorporated into new blended families against their will.

We have no idea what life has been like for the bride, what her relationship with her stepmother and father is like, and so on.

I just think it's important to consider her perspective on this. I don't support the deliberate exclusion of children from events ordinarily, no, of course not - but for an adult to choose to do so, I suspect there is a much deeper and darker back story than the OP has chosen to share.

Show quote history

That 'dark backstory' is not stopping the bride from letting her dad pay for her wedding, so maybe it's not that dark after all.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:02

RampantIvy · 18/04/2025 18:00

You obviously don't get it do you?

Can you really not see the bigger picture or not have any idea about diplomacy?

Edited

Show quote history

Oh I do get it. I'm not saying it's ok. I'm just saying I understand why she might have made that decision.

Because what I also get is that sometimes, when you've spent your whole life playing second fiddle and bending over backwards to keep the peace between two blended families, with you being the person who matters least to everyone, you just want to do what you want for a change, without having to be diplomatic.

And I think, if you can't put yourself first on your wedding day, then when can you?

DearBee · 18/04/2025 18:02

Sunholidays · 18/04/2025 18:01

That 'dark backstory' is not stopping the bride from letting her dad pay for her wedding, so maybe it's not that dark after all.

Show quote history

For real. This bride needs to grow the fuck up. She's not acting like someone who's old enough to get married. Imagine taking your dad's money for your wedding but leaving him in such an awkward position with his stepdaughter and wife. She should be ashamed of herself. Entitled little madam.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 18:03

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:58

In what way?

I think it's totally lacking in any empathy to not consider why the bride might feel this way about her stepsister.

For someone to make such a deliberate exclusion, there may well have been some real trauma associated with the breakup of her birth family and the creation of this blended family, that has had a deep emotional impact on the bride.

If that means she can't or doesn't want to have her stepsister there on her wedding day, to remind her of said trauma, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect that wish to be respected.

Why should she have to put the (imagined) feelings of a 14 year old girl above her own on her own wedding day?

Show quote history

That's ridiculous. Does she actually hate this girl?

Stop making fucking excuses for her. There's no excusing it.

"Sad trauma" - jesus you do like making stuff up! Would the other two children not remind her of "sad trauma". FFS!

And you talk about "(imagined)"?? It's your imagination that's running riot!

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:03

Sunholidays · 18/04/2025 18:01

That 'dark backstory' is not stopping the bride from letting her dad pay for her wedding, so maybe it's not that dark after all.

Show quote history

Maybe she feels he owes her, for the shit childhood he gave her?

Who knows?

TimeForABreak4 · 18/04/2025 18:03

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:58

In what way?

I think it's totally lacking in any empathy to not consider why the bride might feel this way about her stepsister.

For someone to make such a deliberate exclusion, there may well have been some real trauma associated with the breakup of her birth family and the creation of this blended family, that has had a deep emotional impact on the bride.

If that means she can't or doesn't want to have her stepsister there on her wedding day, to remind her of said trauma, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect that wish to be respected.

Why should she have to put the (imagined) feelings of a 14 year old girl above her own on her own wedding day?

Show quote history

Aw give over, she's a grown adult now. Any adult with half a brain could understand why excluding one child from a blended family would be extremely hurtful, to said child.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 18:04

You and your DH chose to have a relationship and with that comes respecting and trying to have a healthy, positive relationship with each others children. Your respective children do not have to accept each other as siblings. If they do, that's great but you cannot force that to happen. Your stepdaughter doesn't hate your your DD, she clearly just thinks of her as her father's wife daughter.

Whilst it may hurt to see your DD not included, its is your DSD's right to decide how fond she is of you and your daughter and what position she wants you to have in her life. You expecting to set those terms is unreasonable.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 18:05

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 18/04/2025 18:04

You and your DH chose to have a relationship and with that comes respecting and trying to have a healthy, positive relationship with each others children. Your respective children do not have to accept each other as siblings. If they do, that's great but you cannot force that to happen. Your stepdaughter doesn't hate your your DD, she clearly just thinks of her as her father's wife daughter.

Whilst it may hurt to see your DD not included, its is your DSD's right to decide how fond she is of you and your daughter and what position she wants you to have in her life. You expecting to set those terms is unreasonable.

Edited

The other children are her father's wife's children too surely?

pusskins06 · 18/04/2025 18:05

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 17:01

@Nomoredamnmats

Easy.

Bride is your sister through daddy, but big sister isn't related to her at all, as she's mummy's daughter, so because this is a day for oldest sister to celebrate with her family, big sister won't be going.

There's no need to make a drama out of it.

Again, the bride is entitled to consider who she wants as her family.

A 14 year old is not going to be crying themselves to sleep over not being invited to the wedding of an adult she has no relationship with. It really isn't that big a deal.

The only person upset about this is the OP, for her own selfish reasons.

This is not about her.

Honestly, I can see perfectly well why the bride might not have wanted to invite the stepsister after the carry on by the OP over this wedding. There is no consideration from the OP at all towards the bride and why she might not see her stepsister as a member of this big close blended family the OP would like to believe they have. I would imagine this is part of a pattern of behaviour that the stepdaughter has had enough of dealing with.

The bride - for whatever reason - doesn't see her stepsister as family. That choice deserves to be respected. I would imagine the poor girl hasn't had many of her own needs and wishes respected over the course of her childhood and young adulthood with her parents both starting new families and expecting her to get on with it.

Edited

Are you the bride ?

UndermyShoeJoe · 18/04/2025 18:05

Ombreofmyself · 18/04/2025 17:47

I can admit to complete strangers this as well, I had expected my parents, sister and BiL to be invited as well as my husband is paying. How is that for entitled?

I also have just realised I will miss my beauties all dressed up.

Yeah that’s entitled why on earth would they be invited to your step daughters wedding when she certainly doesn’t class you or your child as her family let alone further afield family of yours.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 18/04/2025 18:05

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:03

Maybe she feels he owes her, for the shit childhood he gave her?

Who knows?

Show quote history

So now he gave her "a shit childhood"?? Does your imagination know no bounds? Stop making shit up!

Daffodilsarefading · 18/04/2025 18:05

I think it is mean.
However, this goes to highlight the many, many problems with blended families.
If the dh’s sister is 70, how old is the ops dh as a matter of interest?
I certainly wouldn’t expect a 70 year old to be responsible for their nieces or nephews at a wedding.
That is not her problem.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 18:06

TimeForABreak4 · 18/04/2025 18:03

Aw give over, she's a grown adult now. Any adult with half a brain could understand why excluding one child from a blended family would be extremely hurtful, to said child.

Show quote history

I don't disagree.

However, that doesn't take away from the reality that if the bride doesn't want the stepsister at her wedding, she shouldn't have to have her there. The feelings of her 14 year old stepsister shouldn't trump her own on her own wedding day.

Julietta05 · 18/04/2025 18:06

If you are married those are joint funds. His as much as yours

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 18:07

I know OP has said that her younger children will still go, but I’d be more inclined to say either all 3 children go or none of them go. It’s not fair on the excluded daughter to watch her sisters go - you either go as a complete family or only Dad goes.

belgiumchocolates · 18/04/2025 18:07

Just when you think you've heard it all on the non Wedding invite threads, a bride stoops to new lows. Deliberate fxxk you to her fathers wife and step child. I hope OP enjoys a lovely weekend with her eldest DD.