14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

The op has been anything but irrational. People have suggested she removes her younger daughters or her husband should remove funding and she has batted away any of these suggestions. She is understandably upset at the exclusion of her child. This is not hysteria. Which is a word that has it's very roots in misogyny and has been used forever to silence women.

Well maybe the ones you went to chose not to have flower girls. Some do, some don’t 🤷‍♀️

That’s not true. She’d be expected to make her a bridesmaid if she wanted her own sisters as bridesmaids and would be called mean if she didn’t.

Why should she though? Her wedding day doesn’t exist to make her dad’s Partnners children have a nice family day. It’s about people important to the bride and groom being there to celebrate them.

We have no idea if there will be other children at the wedding apart from siblings. The bride and groom might be saying no to children of their own close friends, or their cousins. It would be very entitled of OP to assume her child would be welcome if that’s the decision they made for their wedding.

Then why does she even want to be included in her wedding!?

I can defend it because I know how toxic stepfamilies and blended families can be, and I also know how utterly deluded some parents can be about how 'unaffected' their children have been by being incorporated into new blended families against their will.

We have no idea what life has been like for the bride, what her relationship with her stepmother and father is like, and so on.

I just think it's important to consider her perspective on this. I don't support the deliberate exclusion of children from events ordinarily, no, of course not - but for an adult to choose to do so, I suspect there is a much deeper and darker back story than the OP has chosen to share.

Wow.

That actually is entitled.

Why would you expect your entire family to go?

Paying for a wedding does not mean you get to add people the couple barely know to the guest list.

I would take your DD for a photoshoot and a makeover. Have a nice photo printed. Maybe have some taken together.

That way, when it’s time for some of these wedding photos to emerge, there can be one of the flower girls up on the wall alongside a gorgeous one of your DD and it won’t be as painful and you will look very gracious.

Too fucking right.

I'd be taking dsd on a lovely spa day. Financed by him

Well she probably didn't feel that way until her DD was left out?!

It's sad that the bride is setting up her younger sisters to get caught between their older sisters, one who is deliberately hurting the other. Rather than simply having one more guest at a wedding she isn't paying for.

Oh give over. You don't know how much time these people spend together. The OP must have had a basis for this expectation!

I think @Ombreofmyself is behaving impeccably and with dignity.

IMO it is posters like @EnidSpyton who are completely lacking in social awareness and empathy. The OP is most definitely not reacting in a hysterical fashion. What a ridiculous thing to say.

That's shocking what an absolute boot. If her dad, your daughters stepdad is paying for it surely he gets a say on who goes. My dad paid our venue and inlaws paid the band and we let them choose some people to come.

Exactly. And now we're seeing the OP's true colours come out.

Maybe she thinks he’s a big boy who made his choices that led to her feeling hurt too, so she reckons he’ll be able to cope.

Maybe she needs to know that just for once, on a day that is going to be one of the most important of her life, her Dad will put her first.

I don't care. What she is doing is mean, spiteful and nasty, and it will have consequences. I don't think it's worth it.

I'm another one for your wedding do what you want.
However in this case the bride to be is being unkind.

When I got married everyone in my blended family got invited. My step-niece was the flower girl.

Its entirely your choice, but if I was in your shoes I would be withdrawing the 2 younger girls from the wedding just so the bride can see how it feels.

Now these may cause WW3 but tough.

The OP didn't post about that, though, when she found out. She posted about her 14 year old DD being excluded, when her younger children were invited.

No, we are seeing your true colours on this thread.

I assume she had a basis for this expectation?

"True colours" - leave the woman alone!

I get the upset at your daughter not being invited but not the rest of your family. Unless she has an existing close relationship with them then there’s no reason they’d be invited.

I generally don’t agree that paying for a wedding means a say in the guest list at all but I think an exception should be made for your daughter.

Amen to that!

Well the OP states the reason behind her expectation in the post I quoted - because her husband is paying.

I think it's a reasonable assumption that a SD who was an adult when she met her step mum doesn't spend a lot of time with her step mum's parents.

That's what sensible, reasonable people do.

At the expense of the feelings of a 14 year old? I would very kindly and gently suggest that if a woman is so damaged by her childhood that she needs to get into a loyalty war with a child on her wedding day she probably needs to do some serious work in counselling...maybe even with her dad.