14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

Perhaps because they're actually her sisters?

Because she’s related to them. And because she doesn’t want to hurt her Dad, but she doesn’t want him to think that she loves the experience of having step family either.

I agree, it's not just uncalled for it's misogynist language.

The only child free weddings I have been to have been literally child free. As in no children at all. I also have the emotional intelligence to understand that if I have a child free wedding but invite 4 members of a family of 5 then the child I'm excluding will be hurt so I would just not invite any of the kids.

It's probably because she agrees! I find it hard to describe any of the terms used as inaccurate in any way!

I think it makes a difference whether it’s a child-free wedding or not.

If it’s a child-free wedding and she’s made an exception for family only, I sort of get it.

If she’s invited all of her friends’ children and she doesn’t even know those kids, then I think there is a bit of a power move going on.

Your DD is your family. As your DH married you, your DD is also his family. But your DD isn’t his DD’s family, and that’s okay.

By putting him in this position she is hurting him.

It’s pretty hurtful of the bride to leave her stepsister out, especially given that your husband is paying for the wedding.

He clearly sees his money as his own, not family money. I wouldn’t be subsidising him so he can make up the savings he’s splashed out.

I would definitely make plans to take the 14yo on a special trip away from a couple of days ahead of the wedding, and leave DH in charge of all the parenting for the younger children. If that leaves him unavailable for duties as father of the bride, that’s the consequence of the bride’s decision.

If it comes down to it, is he actually going to be willing to alienate his daughter by pulling funding if she calls his bluff? Based on what you’ve said so far, it doesn’t sound like he’s prepared to go down that road. In trying to insist, you and your daughter may end up being ‘the problem’ in his eyes.

No matter what he does, someone is likely to end up hurt and deeply resentful, so it comes down to what he is most willing to live with.

No, this is not just an emotional response. It's a completely disproportionately emotional one, hence hysterical in the literal dictionary definition.

No misogyny intended.

I can’t quote people.

I would only remove my children from a situation if I thought they would not be cared for or would be unsafe.

I cannot justify telling my children that they’re no longer in a wedding they are thrilled about.My husband would not allow it in any case.

My six year old, when she was 3ish couldn’t understand why my stepdaughter was her daddy’s daughter. My middle daughter who was 7ish explained it to her. They will not be traumatised by my elder one not going to the wedding of my husband’s eldest one. They get the Venn.

My 14 year old will be devastated not to be invited.

When I was writing the above I realised that husband, middle daughter as a toddler, and I did go to a wedding of his employee on our own without our respective elder daughters but this is different.

Bride is being downright cruel.

One more guest were talking 200 quid max. 200 quid of your husbands money and by extension therefore yours.

Make no mistake. She is sending out a clear message here. It is deliberate, and by design.

It's a message you need to send back now you know where you stand.

Treat her as if she is another person on the street, so:

No acknowledgement of birthdays.

No contribution to birthday gifts. Don't even sign the card.

Zero effort to co ordinate anything where she's concerned.

No babysitting or overnight stays.

She, and her children, are nothing to you and your poor daughter now.

Your husband also needs to grow a pair. I'd be utterly ashamed if my daughter acted ao cruelly, and I'd be telling her so. The fact he's paying for a guest list that is being used as a tool to hurt you and your daughter is obscene! He shoukd be refusing to finance this !

Really?

I wonder how many plus one's are invited!

This is the sister of her half sisters and the step daughter of her father.

She is a child and has been deliberately left out of a family of 5 attending.

Takes a lot to imagine this is in any way ok.

Is this a clumsy way of her making sure you aren't there? Not necessarily her not wanting you, but is she under pressure from her mother to not have you there?
I'm guessing she is quite a bit older than your daughter and that's maybe why she doesn't see her as a sibling or family member?

The OP has already said she isn’t going to go down the ‘spiteful’ route and spoil her dps and their dcs experience of his dds wedding. And op can’t dictate to dh what he can and can’t pay for. His money, his daughter, his decision. Op though can decide going forward what sort of relationship she has with her dsd. Obviously this situation may sour any future relationship, and that’s for her to decide.

Yes, if it means one child excluded and and the rest invited. It singles out one child from the rest of the family household to exclude them.

Cute flower girls don't exist in isolation. They are people with families and relationships.

If you don't want children at your wedding, don't have children.

I would be telling my OH that it is his responsibility to deal with all the buying outfits and shoes/ getting ready on the day/ supervision at the wedding and reception that the younger children will require because you won’t be around to facilitate this.

I completely disagree with just about everything you have posted.

This bride is driving a cart and horses through family relationships, and for what? How would the presence of this one child alter her wedding day in any shape or form? I think it's disgusting and I am struggling to understand how anyone can defend it!

I can admit to complete strangers this as well, I had expected my parents, sister and BiL to be invited as well as my husband is paying. How is that for entitled?

I also have just realised I will miss my beauties all dressed up.

Exactly! It's blatant double standards!

This is a bit of a stretch tbh

She’s bang out of order I wouldn’t go and your husband sounds like a drip

Oh, OP, your husband is not paying. Bride’s dad is paying and that’s how bride sees it!

that her dad is currently your husband doesn’t come into her thought process. Is this why you refuse to give us the bride’s age. Yup, v v relevant if indeed you are after advice.

Thats absolutely disgraceful, I’m furious on your behalf. Does she know you now won’t be attending because of this? I do wonder about what PP said that her mum may be making the decision for her to keep you away.

This, x1000000