14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

I think you should tell your 14 year old that she's not invited as the only kids going are the flower girls, so she's not too hurt. Then take the opportunity to go away with your DD and have some time without the youngest.

Go away at least from the night before, so neither of you are there for the wedding prep, your husband can get them ready, he's really failed to stick up for his step daughter. I suspect that he'll regret it on the day, when he realises he'll have to parent his 2 youngest, even though his plan is for their aunt to do it.

Poor bride not going to be happy when she has to bring her little sisters to the loo during the reception.

Does you DH have the money to fully pay for the rest of your children’s wedding?

Was he 14 and living in a house with 4 other family members who are invited?

Divorce is never easy on kids. But If she’s old enough to get married and presumably be happy that her dad’s not on his own, appreciative of him footing the bill for her wedding.. why would she want to make his life difficult by excluding his sd? Sounds spiteful and immature to me, whatever the backstory.

They may not be close and obviously didn’t grown up together so probably don’t feel like sisters and don’t need to but it is still just rude and unkind particularly as Dad is paying for the wedding! I would not go either and let them be inconvenienced by not being there to supervise the two younger DDs.

Situations like this, and associated reactions/decisions, have years-long echoes that influence families and relationships (rightly or wrongly).

This situation is the years long echoes that influence families and relationships. While OP and her dd were happily setting up a new home and life with the brides father, who knows what she was thinking and feeling about the situation.

It’s the new branch of the family that is feeling the hurt this time, but that doesn’t make it a new situation that hurts people. It’s just that as time has gone on, more people are touched by the consequences.

The bride isn’t taking anything out on a child, she’s just doing what will make her feel happiest on her wedding day.

Don't you think a 14 year old has the nous to figure it out for herself?

Why describe the mother as "hysterical"? That really is uncalled for!

If OP's DD was older, and not living with her mother, step father and sisters I would agree.

But she is 14, and part of the family household, and everyone else is invited.

It is spiteful to exclude her.

I doubt every other family member's spouse/ partner have a deep and meaningful relationship with the bride. But presumably spouses / long term partners are invited, and for the same reason this child should be.

I don’t think you can demand that your DH insists your DD attends. Your are perfectly right though to not go and stay with your 14 yo. Anyone who asks why, simply say that your 14 wasn’t invited so you’re staying home with her. I’d show absolutely no interest in the wedding and wouldn’t discuss it at all with your DH. You’ll have to chat with your younger children about it if they mention the wedding but other than that, nothing.

I would also tell your husband how hurt you are that your DD isn’t invited. That you’re definitely not going to the wedding, it’s up to him to look after your kids not an elderly aunt.

That is so much crap. What impact would it have on the bride's day if she invited this girl? Bugger all.

That’s really awful! I wouldn’t be going for sure. I also wouldn’t be sending the younger siblings. At the end of the day your daughter is the one lives with her siblings and the bond that’s more important imo. While right now they will just see a pretty dress and a party I think in later years they will resent it.
Your (d)h is the one I would be most unhappy with. Is he using family money to pay for it? Is he going to pay for the other 3? How will he feel when they exclude his older daughter?
She’s one child, it’s disgusting.

Yes, OP is clearly not close to her step daughter because otherwise she'd be telling any of the several posters calling her a bitch, c*, hateful, spiteful... to stop, but she hasn't.

Exactly.

As I've said upthread, if she has spent her entire childhood coming last on the list of everyone's priorities once her parents started new families, then her wedding day is her opportunity to finally be able to have what she wants for a change.

It's not about her 'taking things out' on or 'punishing' her stepsister, it's just about her, for once in her life, being able to have the family she wants around her on her wedding day.

She's clearly spent her entire childhood having to play second fiddle to her parents' second families. So I wouldn't resent her choosing to put herself and her needs first for one day.

It's the OP's job here to accept and respect that decision, and explain it to her daughter in an age appropriate way.

Not only would I not be going but I’d make sure the younger two weren’t either. You come as a family.. or not.

It's not about the wedding. It's about the relationships. And you have no idea how the child will feel about being the only member of her family being excluded from what is very much a family event. It doesn't take much empathy to imagine that she might feel hurt and like she's not really part of the family.

I come from a very large blended family. There are 12 of us with ages ranging from 60 to 30 - siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings and an adopted child. I remember the hurt on my brothers face when a photographer at a family wedding on my mother's side told my brother (my father's son) that it was "immediate family only" for the next picture. He was devastated. I was devastated for him. It wasn't "just a picture", it's about the child's perception of their place in the family unit. This is a snub by an adult to a child. And there is no excuse or justification.

If that were the motivation here, though, why has she included her younger half siblings?

I would also look at how much your DH could get out of paying.

if he is not allowed to influence the guest list, but pays for all the guests I would certainly change the tune of paying for everything.

anything he has not yet paid I would inform “sorry, changed my mind I am no longer paying for the photographer” - instead I am using that money for my 14yr old to have a lovely weekend away with her mother in a spa hotel as she is not welcome at the wedding,

Nice bit of misogyny. Women showing an emotional response is hysterical.

Absolutely shockingly mean on the part of the bride. I’d take your DD away for the weekend and explain very briefly that the younger two have roles in the wedding so will be going along with Dad. I truly wouldn’t have her in my house for another holiday though. Her Dad can facilitate his own relationship with her outside your daughter’s home. Sorry OP, that’s staggering really.

@Baital

But she is 14, and part of the family household, and everyone else is invited.
It is spiteful to exclude her.

Do you apply this to every child free wedding where only wedding party children are invited?

How old is the bride op? @Ombreofmyself

But the younger ones are flower girls - part of the actual wedding party. So obviously, that does come under exceptions. The no exception rule is the guest invites. If you’ve ever been to a child free party, you would understand that’s usually the case.

Respectfully, I disagree.

Everyone has the right - once they reach adulthood - to make choices about who they do and don't want to spend time with.

The bride did not choose who her father married and she didn't choose to become a stepsister.

She clearly doesn't have a close relationship with her stepmother or stepsister and she doesn't see them as family.

While that may be hurtful to the OP, that is her stepdaughter's reality and she needs to just respect it.

You can't force people to feel things they don't feel.

The OP should be able to explain this to her daughter in a way that makes it clear to her that this is not about her, but about her stepsister.

I think there is far too much importance being attached to this by the OP that her daughter simply won't feel. It's not as if her daughter adores/idolises her older stepsister and will feel gutted at not going. It sounds like they literally barely see each other.

I find this breathtakingly spiteful. Every member of a household and family invited except the 14yr old. Fuck that is cruel.

So much hurt and division over a plate and a space. I will never ever understand stories like this.

This is the sort of thing that can break up a marriage. I couldn't move on from this tbh. I would accept it and not prevent the younger two going, but I wouldn't forget such a deliberate exclusion.

The money is a separate issue, but would massively claw at the wound of my dd being so casually shut out.

OP, let them crack on, while arranging something for your dear girl and you to enjoy while they attend this wedding.

Unfortunately yes, this is likely it.

It’s a shitty, shitty move by the stepdaughter and the H is beyond pathetic.