14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

This woman the bride isn't your birth relative either, ignore her from now on if that's the way she wants it.

Your SD is being a real Bridezilla about this, and needlessly unkind to a kid who she has known for many years. It seems strange and out of character too, if she has been pleasant to you all for years.

I am picking up that perhaps your DH wasn't the best father to your SD? So possibly she has undeclared resentments towards him, yet she's happy enough to allow him to pay for her wedding and she shouldn't be taking those resentments out on a blameless 14 year old.

Do you think your DD will be upset if/when she finds out? I would imagine she might be. I think you are doing the right thing by not attending yourself. This is going to cause repercussions down the years and change the family dynamics. Especially if your SD starts having kids.

It your DD wasn't still a child it would matter a lot less (although still a bit mean imo).

People saying your SD and your DD are not blood relatives, yes and? They're stepsisters, they've known each other for years and the relationship has always seemed cordial. You typically invite aunts and uncles to your wedding, plus their spouses/partners who are also not blood relatives. You invite friends, maybe even work colleagues. Possibly friends of your parents who've known you for years (especially if your parents are footing the bill!). So what's the difference?

I agree with this.

He's spending a lot of money on his daughter, I doubt he'll bat an eyelid having to buy presents or go over to his daughters house.

This isn't a 'gotcha' strategy at all.

I would be using family money to take all 3 dc on a trip.... On the wedding weekend...

Inviting Aunts and uncles by marriage isn’t the same thing. Blended families are difficult, and it’s hard being a step daughter when your dad is now living with a new little girl and both your parents are having new children.

Of course, in an ideal world then everyone would be welcome, and I usually have little sympathy with bridezillas. But I can understand a young woman not being bothered about having her parents partners children at her wedding. She is in a difficult position where she couldn’t win. No doubt she would still be in the wrong if she’d invited OP’s dd as a guest and still had her sisters as bridesmaids because ‘how could she be so cruel as to exclude a child?’

It’s her wedding day. She isn’t obliged to do what her parents or their partners want.

Maybe the bride doesn't care. She clearly isn't particularly close to her stepmother, is she?

Maybe she hates the fact that she's been replaced by both of her parents' new families and feels utterly shafted by both of her parents. Maybe she's fed up of having to force a relationship with step siblings she has no feelings towards. Maybe she had a really shit childhood having to appease two parents and their new partners the whole time, and play second fiddle to their new kids with their new partners, and for once in her life she wants a day where she can just have who she wants there, rather than being forced to play happy families with people her parents have forcibly brought into her life.

We have no idea what the bride's side of the story is, do we?

You don't know that.

If I were to hazard a wild guess, it’s that the bride has been jealous of the fourteen year old step sister since her Dad first starting dating the mother. She was Daddy’s special little girl and another, younger little girl came on the scene and took some of Daddy’s attention, she felt threatened by this and has always harboured resentment.

This is what I mean by match the energy. I would take this approach moving forward.

Step mums always be step momming.

Using younger children and future grandchildren childcare and such as pawns in their games to protect their own who are steps forgetting his children are also someone’s steps.

Of course the bride and groom can invite whoever they want.

The people invited can accept or decline.ĺ

There will be an impact on relationships going forward.

As I said, I wouldn't allow my younger children to be part of something where their older sister was deliberately excluded. I would plan something fun to do together, as a family, instead, and let 'D'H and his daughter have the wedding of her choice (minus the flower girls).

The bride sounds self-absorbed.
You are doing the right thing. I would plan a lovely trip for you and your daughter.
I know it’s not ideal for the younger two but that’s life.
I know blended families can be a challenge but your daughter is important, and would have been great to have there to help with her two younger sisters.
I shudder as to how some people behave.

Agreed - and OP needs to carefully consider the post-wedding and the impact on her relationship with her children and her husband. Situations like this, and associated reactions/decisions, have years-long echoes that influence families and relationships (rightly or wrongly).
I think it's a given that this has already torpedoed the relationship between OP and her SD. This might also significantly affect her relationship with her husband, depending on whatever stance is taken.
Ultimately, OP, think about what decision/stance will be worth it for you and your family in the medium-long term.

I don’t understand this thing about not seeing her as family being the excuse, especially since there will no doubt be other guests who are friends or relatives through marriage. You, your husband and your children are a family unit, she must recognise that, so why is she doing this?

So maybe she should grow up and take this out on the adults who fucked up her childhood and not a 14 year old girl.

And it's ok then for her to take that out on a child?!

That will be because she likes and actually wants the company of the other guests likely rather than being a forced invite.

I think it's mean to exclude a child in this situation, regardless who is paying

He's already taken a stance.

He's going to the wedding alone and taking the younger children. He's already arranged childcare cover for them.

The OP seems to feel he is bothered but his behaviour doesn't reflect that. Maybe that's easier to see as an outsider.

I think the bride is probably happy with this outcome and was intending for this to be the case. It would make sense.

Completely agree!

I really can't imagine the 14 year old girl is bothered about being or not being invited to a wedding of someone she clearly barely knows and has no relationship with.

Honestly, the drama some people create over weddings is beyond me.

It's not a holiday to Disneyland. It's a really boring day of watching adults getting progressively drunk and waiting around to get fed. It's really not worth getting worked up about a child 'missing out' on such an experience. People need to get some perspective!

Oh come off it, what impact would a 14 year old have on her day? She would barely notice her!!!

Why are so many people determined to make excuses for this nasty young woman and her gutless father???!

I'm quite sure she's bothered about being the only member of the family to be left out!!

Getting married when you have a blended (🤢 hate that concept. Load of fucking bollocks) is an absolute nightmare.

Your daughter isn’t a relation and they have never lived together. I expect when your daughter gets married in 10/15 years she won’t invite her stepsister. They’ll likely have absolutely nothing to do with each other once your DD is an adult.

My stepbrother wasn’t invited to my wedding. I’ve never met his kids. We haven’t seen each other in at least a decade. No animosity. We just aren’t family.

Only if she's told that she should feel that way by her hysterical mother.