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Original poster

To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

549 replies

Acunningruse · 18/04/2025 07:01

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 18/04/2025 16:56

FrippEnos · 18/04/2025 16:55

yet it happened.

Show quote history

Yes

Stravaig · 18/04/2025 17:09

i don't see the problem. Your son set a boundary. He wasn't unreasonable or unpleasant, he was clear and direct, and friendly, no fuss, no drama. Good for him!

You can teach him to pussyfoot around more, but maybe first read the thread about how exasperating and exhausting and ultimately unsuccessful indirect communication is.

outerspacepotato · 18/04/2025 17:16

Wildly overreacting. The one who was being inappropriate was your friend who was trying to push them into more than your son wanted.

He was communicating calmly and clearly. I wouldn't consider that message at all rude.

I8toys · 18/04/2025 17:24

Over-reaction - blunt but to the point.

InSpainTheRain · 18/04/2025 17:34

Crikey you are way over the top! You need to relax otherwise you'll have a massive battle through the teen years and you could really hurt your relationship with tou DS

NoTouch · 18/04/2025 17:38

All he has done is assert a boundary that was being test by the adults around him and he did in a normal teen boy way, he is too immature yet to say "mate I don't like you in a romantic way so it makes me uncomfortable when you put kisses on the texts, if you don't mind can you stop it".

Just keep teaching and role modelling (especially his dad) to him to treat others how he would like to be treated (girls and boys) and to consider others feelings, and if he isn't sure to ask it something sounds ok. He will get it eventually, but expect him to make some mistakes along the way.

Dweetfidilove · 18/04/2025 17:41

Calling his ex names is disgusting so you were right to clamp down on that.

This 'offence' though - meh. It's a good thing shutting this down, especially with the whole pushing together nonsense. If someone was making my daughter uncomfortable, I'd hope she feels confident to be this clear about it.

Side note - some MN husbands could learn from him.

gavisconismyfriend · 18/04/2025 17:48

Whilst he has fumbled a bit on the wording, it doesn’t seem that he was intending to be unkind. He was probably panicking about what his mates would say if they saw a girl sending him kisses so wanted that to stop, and also knew there was a risk Lucy liked him in a way he doesn’t like her and this way at least he’s not leading her on. He didn’t manage it well, but he did at least try to manage it and deserves some credit for that. If he’d meant to be hurtful then a punishment might be valid, but really what he needs is some help in learning how to phrase things more kindly. From your post I think there’s a risk that you’re more worried about what Lucy and her mum will be feeling and are missing that your DS needs some support as this is all new to him to. Apologising to him for not seeing his side of things might open the door to a really meaningful conversation.

mathanxiety · 18/04/2025 17:52

The text was clumsy, certainly, and unkind. He actually didn't need to say what he said at all.

But when you saw the other mum pushing Lucy on him you should have intervened. Even at this stage, you should sit him down and tell him you understand he has no interest in being friends or anything else with Lucy and you're sorry he felt he had to take the measures he took instead of telling you and asking for your guidance.

The bigger issue is his problem transitioning to the big secondary and the signs you've noticed that he thinks he needs to be the cool kid on campus/ the big I am. The treatment of the girlfriend he broke up with absolutely warranted the response you gave. That was mean and unkind, and a sign that he's very insecure and dependent to an unhealthy degree on the opinion his mates have on him.

The necessary conversations about disrespect for girls have to happen. He's not too young to be told repeatedly that you expect him to abide by values of kindness and respect for everyone. Warn him that disrespect for girls will not be tolerated, and warn him that regardless of what his mates seem to be allowed to get away with, you expect better of him.

And sorry, but the conversations about pornography need to start and continue, if they haven't already begun.

You and his dad need to be playing a bigger role in his life.
You also need to find him an outlet outside of school where he can develop as a teen in a positive direction. The Duke of Edinburgh Award programme might be a good idea. Or put him in martial arts perhaps.

maddening · 18/04/2025 17:57

He hasn't done anything wrong - maybe a bit clumsy but boys are allowed to set boundaries as well.

Perhaps just help him understand how to word things better but that is all imo.

maddening · 18/04/2025 18:00

mathanxiety · 18/04/2025 17:52

The text was clumsy, certainly, and unkind. He actually didn't need to say what he said at all.

But when you saw the other mum pushing Lucy on him you should have intervened. Even at this stage, you should sit him down and tell him you understand he has no interest in being friends or anything else with Lucy and you're sorry he felt he had to take the measures he took instead of telling you and asking for your guidance.

The bigger issue is his problem transitioning to the big secondary and the signs you've noticed that he thinks he needs to be the cool kid on campus/ the big I am. The treatment of the girlfriend he broke up with absolutely warranted the response you gave. That was mean and unkind, and a sign that he's very insecure and dependent to an unhealthy degree on the opinion his mates have on him.

The necessary conversations about disrespect for girls have to happen. He's not too young to be told repeatedly that you expect him to abide by values of kindness and respect for everyone. Warn him that disrespect for girls will not be tolerated, and warn him that regardless of what his mates seem to be allowed to get away with, you expect better of him.

And sorry, but the conversations about pornography need to start and continue, if they haven't already begun.

You and his dad need to be playing a bigger role in his life.
You also need to find him an outlet outside of school where he can develop as a teen in a positive direction. The Duke of Edinburgh Award programme might be a good idea. Or put him in martial arts perhaps.

If a girl had sent a blunt test asserting her boundaries would you be suggesting big talks about porn and how to be nicer to boys?

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/04/2025 18:04

Ignoring his boundaries about relationships is hardly teaching him to be respectful!

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 18/04/2025 18:05

Before he can understand other peoples boundaries, you need to show him you respect his boundaries.

Redpeach · 18/04/2025 18:06

The narrative about the other mother pushing them together is obviously not true

ForAzureSeal · 18/04/2025 18:27

Snorlaxo · 18/04/2025 14:57

His mum’s friendship with Lucy’s mum has probably complicated things because he probably felt that he couldn’t say no to giving out his number (hope OP didn’t give his number out ) If he’s forced to see Lucy in future because OP is friends with her mum then it would be awkward if he blocked her so he can’t do that plus blocking or phasing her out means he could be in trouble with OP.

Show quote history

Yes I can see that. I suspect OP has a lot more to think about here.

Calliopespa · 18/04/2025 18:44

mathanxiety · 18/04/2025 17:52

The text was clumsy, certainly, and unkind. He actually didn't need to say what he said at all.

But when you saw the other mum pushing Lucy on him you should have intervened. Even at this stage, you should sit him down and tell him you understand he has no interest in being friends or anything else with Lucy and you're sorry he felt he had to take the measures he took instead of telling you and asking for your guidance.

The bigger issue is his problem transitioning to the big secondary and the signs you've noticed that he thinks he needs to be the cool kid on campus/ the big I am. The treatment of the girlfriend he broke up with absolutely warranted the response you gave. That was mean and unkind, and a sign that he's very insecure and dependent to an unhealthy degree on the opinion his mates have on him.

The necessary conversations about disrespect for girls have to happen. He's not too young to be told repeatedly that you expect him to abide by values of kindness and respect for everyone. Warn him that disrespect for girls will not be tolerated, and warn him that regardless of what his mates seem to be allowed to get away with, you expect better of him.

And sorry, but the conversations about pornography need to start and continue, if they haven't already begun.

You and his dad need to be playing a bigger role in his life.
You also need to find him an outlet outside of school where he can develop as a teen in a positive direction. The Duke of Edinburgh Award programme might be a good idea. Or put him in martial arts perhaps.

Very wise post

Calliopespa · 18/04/2025 18:48

Redpeach · 18/04/2025 18:06

The narrative about the other mother pushing them together is obviously not true

I keep re-reading the op and cannot see where she really did this.

There is a comment by op that she felt the mother was pushing them together but can see nothing tangible more than suggesting they both watch a movie. She could hardly have said “ op’s son: you look bored. Go watch a movie alone.”

Im not sure where this vibe that she slipped the kid a condom or even suggested they might have a relationship has come from. It can be awkward hosting different age groups. I think she was using her dd as a crutch if anything .

Calliopespa · 18/04/2025 18:50

maddening · 18/04/2025 18:00

If a girl had sent a blunt test asserting her boundaries would you be suggesting big talks about porn and how to be nicer to boys?

Show quote history

What if the girl had been name calling and disrespecting her ex in a derogatory way? I think I’d have a talk about not male-bashing.

FairKoala · 18/04/2025 18:52

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 18/04/2025 09:35

Or she could just be a loving parent who has recognised a concerning change in behaviour in her son and is trying to teach him that his responses need to respect other people’s feelings. He can set boundaries without being rude or hurtful.

Show quote history

But this response isn’t teaching him anything other than to delete messages and he can’t go to his mother for anything because she can’t be trusted to not lose the plot first

FairKoala · 18/04/2025 18:57

Maybe this change of behaviour is because of the nuclear reaction his mother has if he ever puts a step out of line or if he try’s to defend himself against someone coming on to him. The only thing he is learning is other people’s feelings will always come ahead of his feelings as far as his mother is concerned.
He will always be in the wrong

Describing yourself as a people pleaser is wrong if the only people you please is everyone besides your family

noworklifebalance · 18/04/2025 18:57

Calliopespa · 18/04/2025 18:48

I keep re-reading the op and cannot see where she really did this.

There is a comment by op that she felt the mother was pushing them together but can see nothing tangible more than suggesting they both watch a movie. She could hardly have said “ op’s son: you look bored. Go watch a movie alone.”

Im not sure where this vibe that she slipped the kid a condom or even suggested they might have a relationship has come from. It can be awkward hosting different age groups. I think she was using her dd as a crutch if anything .

Show quote history

DH took DS out to play football during the weekend to keep him and Lucy apart a bit

From one of OP’s later posts.
Her DH had to actively intervene to give their DS some space from Lucy.
I don’t think it would have been necessary if it was just a case of “kids- why don’t you both just watch a movie for a bit?”. DS must have been feeling pretty uncomfortable

Jackreacherstrousers · 18/04/2025 19:04

Acunningruse · 18/04/2025 07:01

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

Oh my have you been watching "adolescence" and got yourself in to a panic? ConfusedHmm

TheAmusedQuail · 18/04/2025 19:33

Jackreacherstrousers · 18/04/2025 19:04

Oh my have you been watching "adolescence" and got yourself in to a panic? ConfusedHmm

Show quote history

Oh my, have you not RTFT?

scoobysnaxx · 18/04/2025 19:49

Honestly OP, it’s the CONVERSATIONS that are important as he grows up. About men and women, consent, respect, mysogyny, patriarchy, toxic masculinity etc.

simply punishing all the time isn’t going to work.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 18/04/2025 19:51

I think it’s good that you want to help him to grow into a respectful man. However, if you use those punishments for something fairly minor - what will you do if/when he does or says something that requires it. He may end up rebelling more or hiding things so be careful.

I do think this was a blunt message - but he’s still young and probably panicked. I think if you can guide him with a kinda response that would help. But I also think it’s good that he’s setting boundaries. This will help him long term. Not everyone wants or likes kisses on messages - it can confuse things. People may think they’re leading them on!

boys behaviour have been in the news a lot. But they still need help and guidance too - they need to set boundaries with friends too.

maybe have a chat to him and explain why you acted how you did and see if he can think of a different response. Don’t let it ruin your holiday