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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

549 replies

Acunningruse · 18/04/2025 07:01

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 18/04/2025 07:13

He doesn’t like her but he didn’t say “never contact me again”. I quite agree kisses are not to accepted as de rigueur. I rarely do kisses.

TheNightingalesStarling · 18/04/2025 07:13

If your child was a girl, getting pushy messages from a boy, you would be encouraging her to assert a boundary. And not just "be kind". That is basically what he did there.

arcticpandas · 18/04/2025 07:14

Poor boy. My DS soon 12 would maybe have just said "can you stop putting kisses please, that's weird" but they would try to express the same thing. Which is fine. You should have told him it's ok for him to tell Lucy he doesn't like kisses in messages so can she please not do that anymore. It's just a matter of phrasing. Explain to him that she's sensitive so he has to be careful with how he writes but he's entitled to say he doesn't like kisses.

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 18/04/2025 07:14

“Devastated”? Massive overreaction. He’s been gauche, not evil. Maybe intervening with Lucy’s mum at the time would have been better? Pulling her leg about it would have done the trick. Or having a quiet word with him before it escalated? He was put under pressure and you didn’t help him.

MrsJJ84 · 18/04/2025 07:15

I have a son the same age and he has also upset friends . His problem is not knowing a boundary with ‘banter ‘ and he can take a bit of ‘banter’ (hate that term but !) as his older brother and dad have that kind of relationship.
don’t let it spoil your holiday . He hasn’t been that mean . He tried to handle a situation and maybe didn’t use the best words . It’s all a lesson.
They all navigating friendships etc except they have the added struggle of doing it via a phone where tones of voices aren’t picked up .
Lucy may be upset but if she was my daughter I’d also be letting her see this as a learning opportunity . Kids get upset , kids use the wrong words . It’s all part of learning and growing up.
Don’t let it spoil your holiday . I guarantee there are children whose phones aren’t being checked who are doing / saying much worse .

BendingSpoons · 18/04/2025 07:15

He has.got carried away with his mates with the ex-gf and you were right to pull him up on being unkind.

He has felt awkward around Lucy (mostly thanks to adult behaviour it seems). I would sit him down and chat about it and how he can handle it in future. I would agree some ground rules and ways he can earn his phone back, but you might feel you can't go back on what you have said now.

I would reflect on whether being the 'strictest ever' is helping him. He is navigating socially nuanced situations. Gently it sounds like your responses have been quite 'black and white', jumping to punishing him. I would work on discussing a bit more and helping him see the other person's point of view. This will be an ongoing discussion for years and you want to try to keep communication open.

hattie43 · 18/04/2025 07:16

Your friend shouldn’t be pushing children together , he’s just 12. It’s up to them who they are friends with . I think you are right to talk boundaries , respect and kindness but not in terms of punishment for getting it wrong . It could backfire, eg him thinking every time I interact with a girl I get it wrong so girls are trouble .

Jazz7 · 18/04/2025 07:16

Over reaction showing complete disregard for his feelings. Why did you let the other mother push them together all the time when you saw it bothered him! Did you bother to find out if she had been pushing for him to be her boyfriend when you weren’t around? Could be why he felt need to draw a boundary line. It wasn’t an obnoxious message maybe a bit tactless but depends on how she was behaving. Treating females with respect is fine but it works in both directions. Devastated? Ridiculous! Have a sensible chat and give his phone back. Don’t ruin HIS holiday for something so trivial

malificent7 · 18/04/2025 07:17

Your son did the right thing tbh..

ArtTheClown · 18/04/2025 07:17

Actually it's refreshing to see someone who cares about raising a boy to be a decent man.
Most of the responses explain a lot as to why so many men aren't.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/04/2025 07:18

I wouldn't even have assumed the other mother was trying to push them together, just that as they're the same age suggesting they join forces at a gathering.

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 07:18

I would not be the least bit annoyed with my son

i would have been a bit pissed off with my friend pushing the two together and probably asked her to just leave them be

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 07:19

Both these children have very peculiar sounding mothers

thedancingclown · 18/04/2025 07:21

See your point but could have handled it better. Yes, he is probably not comfortable getting pushed into being with Lucy. Is Lucy comfortable with this? Did her mother tell her to add kisses to the message?

He is trying not to get involved - he just needs some gentle guidance on how to install some better boundaries.

Ablondiebutagoody · 18/04/2025 07:21

I'm going against the grain here. Considering the nastiness to the previous girlfriend, I wouldn't be giving that phone back for a long time. Let him sulk.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 07:22

RealityContinuesToRuinMyLife · 18/04/2025 07:05

You are hugely overreacting.

He wasn’t unpleasant, just matter of fact. He didn’t need to be confronted imo.
Why are you more concerned about her feelings than those of your DS?

He was putting boundaries in place, you’ve basically told him his feelings don’t matter.

He was unpleasant when he said that he didn't like her. He could have just asked her not to put kisses on her messages as it makes him feel a bit uncomfortable. He really didn't need to say anything at all.

NaiceBalonz · 18/04/2025 07:22

Christ OP, you're devastated? Get a bloody grip.

Your son did nothing wrong, and the only thing that's likely to push him towards being Andrew Tate 2.0 is you at this rate.

Original poster
Acunningruse · 18/04/2025 07:22

A lot of food for thought here. @hattie43your message really made me think. Definitely dealing with girls is completely new to him, he’s existed in a football bubble up to now 🤣 and its a learning curve and you are all right I do want to keep communication open so he can talk to us. I just want to raise a boy who is respectful to girls and women I can see that needs a lot if conversation though and as PP say developing tact and nuance. He is extremely black and white about things which doesn’t help.

It’s interesting so many people saying it’s fine to say no kisses on messages. Maybe I am a massive people pleaser but to me to say that would be rude but it’s interesting those saying he is entitled to assert boundaries

OP posts:
Moglet4 · 18/04/2025 07:22

The name calling needed to be called out and punished imo because yes, that is the misogynistic crap that leads to unpleasant young men. However, the message was just clumsily worded so maybe have a chat about how he could have phrased it.

AlisounOfBath · 18/04/2025 07:22

ArtTheClown · 18/04/2025 07:17

Actually it's refreshing to see someone who cares about raising a boy to be a decent man.
Most of the responses explain a lot as to why so many men aren't.

So boys boundaries don’t matter? Of course he should have phrased it better but why should he accept unwanted romantic attention, just because he’s a boy and saying no might hurt the girl? Can you ever imagine saying that the other way round?

Trickabrick · 18/04/2025 07:23

Your reaction is way OTT, he’s 12 years old trying to set a boundary. He’s not going to confide in you when he’s got serious issues he needs help with in future if you take his phone off him just for telling a girl he doesn’t fancy her!

gannett · 18/04/2025 07:23

Your reaction to him and his friends being mean to his ex was absolutely right, but I think that may have put you on high alert and made you overreact here. He's absolutely correct to emphasise that he doesn't like someone in that way, and to clear up any misunderstanding. Could it have been more tactful - yes, but he obviously feels boxed in by her mum's pushiness. That's the point at which you should have helped him set the boundary before he felt the need to do so bluntly.

If it was your daughter being pushed into hanging out with a boy and who sent that message we'd all rightly applaud her.

And even though the message was blunt, it wasn't rude or cruel, and it wouldn't have been devastating.

BlondiePortz · 18/04/2025 07:24

AlisounOfBath · 18/04/2025 07:22

So boys boundaries don’t matter? Of course he should have phrased it better but why should he accept unwanted romantic attention, just because he’s a boy and saying no might hurt the girl? Can you ever imagine saying that the other way round?

Show quote history

The fact the child in the op is male to some is just a problem it itself, men are the enemy on MN

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 18/04/2025 07:24

Ablondiebutagoody · 18/04/2025 07:21

I'm going against the grain here. Considering the nastiness to the previous girlfriend, I wouldn't be giving that phone back for a long time. Let him sulk.

At the very least the difference between the two things needs to be made clear.

The exgf thing sounds vile. The recent text sounds merely clumsy. He’s going to get very confused if it’s the latest thing he’s punished for. Especially as his own mum didn’t step in to help head off Lucy’s pushy mother.

Although why 12 year olds aren’t being discouraged from “dating” anyway, I don’t understand.

Wigglytails · 18/04/2025 07:25

“Strictest parents ever” would not be giving their 12 year old a phone and social media.

sorry but this shows your son is not mature enough for a phone or SM.

and yes sounds like you have a problem and are under reacting by not changing your policy on phones for children in your house.