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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

549 replies

Acunningruse · 18/04/2025 07:01

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/04/2025 07:04

Over reacting a bit
He sensed what the mum was trying to do and set a boundary it was a clumsy one but he is 12 teach him tact

RealityContinuesToRuinMyLife · 18/04/2025 07:05

You are hugely overreacting.

He wasn’t unpleasant, just matter of fact. He didn’t need to be confronted imo.
Why are you more concerned about her feelings than those of your DS?

He was putting boundaries in place, you’ve basically told him his feelings don’t matter.

myplace · 18/04/2025 07:05

You are dealing with the wrong problem. You need to encourage him to seek help phrasing tricky messages, not punish him for getting it wrong.

Your son needed your help when Lucy’s mum was being annoying.
He needs help again in how to be clear with Lucy that he isn’t interested like that.

So stop panicking and help him while he learns how to do it better himself.

TheOccupier · 18/04/2025 07:05

I would say over reacting, honestly. You're right to check his phone and to tell him kindness matters, but his message sounds blunt/awkward rather than deliberately cruel.

Neveranynamesleft · 18/04/2025 07:05

Over the top reaction.

BlondiePortz · 18/04/2025 07:06

Could have worded maybe it a bit better but don't see what their is to be devastated about it, and to be perfectly honest no matter how nice he was people would still say he was in the wrong anyway

I would explain kisses don't always mean something deeper and maybe word things a little nicer and move on

ExtraOnions · 18/04/2025 07:06

You have totally over-reacted. He hasn’t even written anything that bad, it’s a simple request. Maybe he could have written it more sensitively, but he’s 12. If he doesn’t like kissed at the end of the messages he is allowed to say this.

GrazeConcern · 18/04/2025 07:06

You should have talked about how he should have phrased the message ‘Lucy do you mind not adding kisses, they make me feel uncomfortable’. Do you remember what it was like to be 12? Being pushed to be friends with people you didn’t like because your parents are friends becomes really awkward at this age.

Octavia64 · 18/04/2025 07:07

Over reacting.

teach him the right words to use.

Andrew Tate wannabe is massively over reacting to the situation.

he’s been rude to a friend. It won’t be the first time, or the last.

Sauvin · 18/04/2025 07:07

Over reacting. You’re not going to be able to police all his interactions with his peers and nor should you. He has to learn for himself.

I would tell him you saw the message and speak to him about the importance of being kind and to put himself in the position of the person receiving the messages. Get him to think about other ways he could’ve dealt with it that were nicer.

PebblesonaBeach25 · 18/04/2025 07:08

Yes I thought over the top too. He’s only 12. Also do you have to mix so much with this family? Not fair on him for the mother to be
pushing them together.

HomeTutor · 18/04/2025 07:08

Dear God. I don't often get involved in threads, but this warranted a response.

If you're this uptight at his age, you'll be broken by the time he is 16 😂 Unclench. He's not done much wrong ffs.

Maybe you need some help as this isn't a normal reaction (and I don't mean that nastily; said with care. Do you have anxiety generally?)

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 07:08

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GRex · 18/04/2025 07:09

Massive over reaction. You need to help him learn how to navigate situations; in the recent example it's no good just telling that his way is wrong, come up with alternative acceptable ways to get his point across. Some girls can be dreadful to each other in teen years too, and it's again just about learning how to navigate situations. Please don't demonise your own child because you watched a show on TV.

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 18/04/2025 07:09

I think you seriously need to calm down, you have massively over reacted.
Andrew Tate wannabe? Just because he told a girl that he was forced to interact with that he didn't like her!

LuluDelulu · 18/04/2025 07:09

You’re really overreacting, especially to this incident. It can be so icky and stressful when someone likes you and you don’t like them back — he didn’t deal with it maturely, but he’s 12. It must have been really weird for him when the girl’s mum kept trying to push them together. I wouldn’t like that as a girl, and he didn’t like it as a boy either. It does sound like he was mean to his ex gf when they broke up, but 12 year olds are very emotionally immature and it’s hard to cope with reaction. You’re coming down on him like a ton of bricks and in a really punitive way, but in a few years you won’t be able to look at his phone, so you’re going about it all wrong. Rather than punishing and assuming he’s an Andrew Tate wannabe (which is doubtful, and which will push him away) you need to be having serious conversations, asking questions, talking about how the message might have made the other girl feel etc.

It’s incredibly common for teens to be quite brutal in the way they dump each other or treat each other in these instances (ex secondary teacher here) and while it’s not nice and not great, it’s pretty normal and you’d get FAR more benefit from having serious chats rather than punishment.

You’re being very dramatic about this which will be exacerbating the whole thing. I also don’t think it’s even that bad for him to have boundaries and tell someone not to put x’s on the end of messages as he doesn’t like them in that way. Yes he was blunt but he’s 12 and he’s allowed to have his own preferences about who flirts with him, even if they do have SEN. A proper conversation about dealing with things sensitively would have been so much better than this OTT approach you’ve taken.

LuluDelulu · 18/04/2025 07:11

Sorry that should have been ‘cope with rejection’

but honestly OP I do feel sorry for him. You’re setting yourself up as such an unapproachable, harsh parent. He’ll never come to you with problems at this rate. It’s sad.

StIgantius · 18/04/2025 07:11

it’s not ok but “devastated” is an over-reaction. You need to talk to him seriously about it. Quite possible he was aiming for “banter” (rather than hurtful) but this is hard to judge online and for a 12 year old. He needs to apologise. You need to think about whether he’s old enough for free access to a phone. As he’s only 12 you should know what he’s looking at. No phones in the bedroom is also a good move.

But also, kids fuck up sometimes and it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s some big underlying problem. Serious conversation, work out what’s appropriate with the phone going forwards, he apologises (and you should check the apology for tone). Then hug and move on.

rwalker · 18/04/2025 07:11

You should of just said it could of been as rude there’s no need to be so blunt

also explain some people ( my boss included ) just put a kiss on everything to everyone and he’s overthinking

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 18/04/2025 07:12

He's refreshingly honest. This place is full of 'I can't tell if he likes me or not' threads, so if a young man is that honest (even if he phrased it in a slightly clumsy manner), that's fabulous and clear.
Please calm down and give him a break. He's 12

vdbfamily · 18/04/2025 07:12

I agree that the focus of conversation should have been how to discourage her politely.
I agree that his message was harsh and would have hurt her but best advice is not to reply quickly, for him to lead by example and not say anything that would give her false hope. She probably just puts a kiss at end of all messages

Springadorable · 18/04/2025 07:12

Good for him for holding a boundary. He needs to finesse how he delivers it, but I'd be pleased he didn't feel obliged to accept attention he didn't want or like.

Pricelessadvice · 18/04/2025 07:13

I think a little chat about how that message might have made Lucy feel. He’s only 12 and he’s trying to be a show off.
I can understand why you are upset, but I think you need to calm down over it. Definitely speak to him about it and warn him that if you see those sorts of messages again then there will be consequences, but I wouldn’t go all out this time.

Sauvin · 18/04/2025 07:13

Also, OP, I can tell this is going to turn into a pile on and reading these responses is going to make you feel crap. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself - parenting is fucking hard, especially with social media and all that, and we are all feeling our way. Don’t let this thread make you feel worse.

beAsensible1 · 18/04/2025 07:13

I can tell why you are reacting like this considering how he was with the girl he was seeing.

you need have chat about being normal/respectful to women and girls even if he doesn’t want to date them.

also teach him tact.

doesn’t sound mature enough to date if he and his mates are bullying a girl because they’ve broken up