To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

so even after reading through every post telling you to dump him, You’ll present him with a chore list to see if he improves?
I can tell you now. He won’t as he doesn’t give a shit about you
He wants an easy ride, with you servicing his every need.
I’m sorry you can’t see this.
When you’ve told him it’s over, please get yourself some therapy before you consider dating again.

Is he matching the equity that may have built up in the house? I would be careful op

The only way for OP to account for her deposit and how much she has paid off the mortgage to date is to take the purchase price of the house, deduct how much she has left on the mortgage, get him to match that amount and then they pay 50/50 going forward. Him matching her deposit only will disadvantage her but he would still benefit from property price rises.

@Duckswaddle

"You’re an absolute fucking moron and I’m starting to believe this isn’t real now"
🙈 bit harsh there

"No self respecting woman with her own house would be this desperate for a man"
COMPLETELY agree with this though @Duckswaddle 🙂

He’s made it loud and clear that he thinks youre just a woman who should be skivvying for him.

Even if he puts equally into the house, you will be financially linked to him..
Leaving him will be messy/ costly/ difficult and he will therefore do exactly as he pleases. Do you think he’d be a good role model for your children ?

Your dd to believe she is there to serve men ?
Your son to be a mysoginist ?

Your relationship will become their normal.

He’s an Andrew Tate supporter but ah well.. love is blind !

The ridiculous bit was you saying it must be fake because nobody would put up with this. Threads like this, five, ten, twenty years down the line from this are on mumsnet every single day.

op is in here 30’s and has invested time she feels she is running out of with this utter piece of garbage. She doesn't want to see he wont change.

This op. Please read this over and over again.

If you got sick of his lazy sexist attitude and you then sold, giving him his deposit and half of any equity, what could you then buy? Remember to add all the solicitors fees, stamp duty youd have to cover. Would you be at the same point? Or five years behind where you are now?

This.

He is the only man I’ve ever imagined being able to have babies with and I just want him to be on a similar page as me with the house work.
He will NEVER be on the same page. NEVER. He will say "I'll do it tomorrow " but tomorrow never comes, or he will huff and puff and slam things around, or say he can never match your exacting standards so you maybe as well do it. Look up weaponised incompetence.

I really don’t want to but I think I’m going to need to approach him with a list/split today and if he outright refuses then I’ll have to be even more firm.
HA HA HA HA HA HA. Take if from someone who has personally been there, AND been on the many, many, many threads on here. He won't do it no matter how firm you are.

Now, that (2nd thread, same old..) I didn't realise.

Thank you @TheFormidableMrsC

If he won’t commit to a fair split then I think you need a really long think about how this will pan out. If he’s not pulling his weight now he’ll be even worse if you had a baby. Will he also not care about splitting night feeds/ sick leave/ what if the baby won’t settle will it always be down to you as the mother to “sort the kids”. This sort of misogynistic “I need to be told explicitly because it’s “not my area”” is utter rubbish and runs deeper than cleaning o assure you.

If his mother is “OTT” now she’ll be even worse when you have a baby. There are red flags waving at you, please notice them at least to put scenarios to him on how he thinks your future will look. Are you actually a team/ partners or is he just seeing a good mother that will sort the house and leave him to live his life without any major ramifications. Just look at all the threads on here daily when women are really stuck with kids in the middle.

If he loves me as much as he says then he will pull his weight - simple.

🤣🤣

Wait, won't he gain a financial interest in your house if he is paying towards the mortgage?

I would be very, very careful and seek legal advice. It would be a disaster to lose 1/2 your house, no matter how much fun he's been while dating and getting everything he wants, not having to contribute and having his mum do his chores.
This doesn't sound like a man you want to trust with your home.

The ‘I’ll pitch in as and when needed’ should be a HUGE red flag.
What he’s saying is that the chores are YOUR responsibility, but that he’ll be kind and help you out from time to time if you need him to.

That ‘kindness’ will then be used against you in future arguments as an example of him showing how much he cares for you - ‘what? I always help you out with the hoovering when you ask me too! Isn’t that enough?!’

Throw this one back, unless he doesn’t just accept your rota (he’ll see that as him ‘helping you out’), but accepts that the chores are a joint responsibility. No-one is helping anyone out; they’re doing their own share of the jobs.

I don't believe his mum got any money for a deposit otherwise why doesnt he give it to her and buy into place. It just isn't there and I expect his mum lies for him as he obviously controlling person and probably scared of him I hate seeing people being conned. It's not just men women also do this I have to shout out as getting away from this from this is so hard

Say yes put you on mortgage money first yoy will not get it but I would check him out too

@cordeliavorkosigan I think op said all he contributed was a bit of shopping. Doesn't actually pay anything towards utility bills/house expenses.

OP, he's shown you definitively who he is and how he will be forever. The 'won't do chores if not on the mortgage' because he "feels awkward" is gaslighting bollocks - surely you know that?

This man will continue to leech off you, treat you as his servant and - if you are daft enough to put him on your mortgage - take half the value of the house when you inevitably split.

Being afraid of telling fridnds the truth means you are vulnerable and ripe for abuse.

You are prepared to be abused and accept a selfish loser as a partner to save face with friends and tell the truth?

If thats the case sadly you are your own worst enemy.

You will have years of regret ahead of you to ponder why you allowed your ego to stop you protecting yourself.

Ah well🙄🤷🏻‍♀️some women can't be helped.
Good luck though.

Yes yes he will. He will make a significant and fast buck out of OP. It’s beyond belief.

She knows she should get rid of him otherwise why come on site. I actually think he has small Penistone he lies about everything else measures in cm but converts into inches lol

Not sure why op didn't link the first thread. The idea that he thought he was acting as "breadwinner" because he sometimes pays for a full food shop so innocently believed that op was happy to do all chores alone is embarrassing.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5315699-to-regret-moving-dp-in-to-my-house

@JadeySmiles If after the 1000+ responses advising you to bin him you still wish to let him stay, mention you are seeing a solicitor about setting up a legal cohabitation agreement. This stipulates legally he has no claim on your house, any money paid is towards utility bills and groceries.

Watch the flare into sulking, hissy fit, how dare you scupper his plans for easy living at your expense.

If this doesn't hammer home what a selfish, inconsiderate, tight arsed git he is, I don't know what will.

Many of us here have been married/in relationships for years and have daughters around your age. We've seen it, some have experienced being used, ignoring advice and then suffering because of it. We know. We care. It's frustrating and heartbreaking that your bar is so low that you are letting yourself be used to potentially such a detriment to your future.

From a mum who would tell her own daughters to wake up & get a grip, please put yourself first.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be.

So he won't do any cleaning, washing up, anything at all until he is on the mortgage?

I mean surely that is completely crazy, lazy and just major CF territory 😮.

Having been so stupid listening to man who just wanted to live off me and putting up with 17 years of abuse, I have spent years supporting women to see the signs and remove themselves from situation