To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

OP is early 30’s he’s late 20’s.

I think this thread is a wind up. Nobody is this stupid surely?

He is extremely sexist in his views. If i had the time id copy and paste all the statements that you have put just here, no doubt sugar coated, showing his sexism. Just read your own posts back. He tells you over and over again he thinks it is women's work and for him to lift a finger requires sexual favours.

a blowjob rota doesnt sound like he understands the concept of consent either.

you said he is amazing and wonderful in all other ways, all ways other than lazy sexist attitude. What I think is that youve had bad relationships and low expectations and this chump isnt as bad as previous nobheads.

what does he do that is amazing?

Christ. OP come on, you can do better than this. Men are not supposed to be home improvement projects. You don't pick a random man then try to cajole him into being a decent partner. That's not how it works. You need to get out there and find someone who actually IS a decent partner.

You say you're listening to people, but you're obviously not as you're still giving him a chance.

He's a misogynistic arsehole. Seriously, why are you trying to make this relationship work?

I'm also getting these vibes!

Dont be ridiculous. Threads days in day out are focused on lazy arsehole husbands / partners not lifting a finger. Many, many women ignore these behaviours thinking men will change when they have more to do.

He’s only going to get worse. Don’t have kids with this man.

I think we do (well I do) and what we are trying to convey to you is that his behaviour/ attitude isn't ok and is full of red flags.

People are therefore cautioning against adding him to the mortgage as to be frank this has disaster written all over it (he can say /do the right things temporarily, but he isn't going to change his mindset at this point in his life) long term. Also because once he is on the mortgage he will be harder to get out than now.

So how long does hehave to pretend he's willing to do half the housework before you put him on the mortgage? What's your plan for once you've added him and then he refuses to pull his weight anymore?

OP, this is who he really is.
A selfish lazy man who expects you to be house skivvy.

Adding him to your hom3and having children will ruin your life, and will be the biggest regret of your life.

It doesn't make any difference what he does and said now.

He thinks you are his mum replacement.

His mum is giving him money, he expects you to clean till he owns a house?

Can you seriously not see how lazy selfish and utterly fxxk up that is?

He doesn't want a partner, he wants another mother.

You will pay dearly for staying with him, but you were well warned.

I think the OP is invested in this relationship and is therefore not interested in hearing anything that pops her bubble of fantasy.

Agree. If there was a poll it would be about 99% he’s a useless lazy entitled sexist manchild but she would ignore the overwhelming majority and only take notice of the 1% validating her fantasy that he’s some sort of Prince Charming

This guy needs to be someone else's problem. His mum's, since she obviously never made him lift a finger.

^^ Perfect response ^^^^

To share my own experience, when my DH moved in he was also quite useless with keeping up with chores. He always helped immediately and without any complaint, but he didn't spontaneously see what needed doing.

When I told him I wanted an equal split, he completely agreed that he should be doing more. He's taken over some chores completely, while others we take it in turns with.

At all times he was polite, acknowledged that I was right to expect more, agreed that the mental load shouldn't be on just person. He made changes straight away.

At no point did he make misogynistic comments, nor a single joke about a subject that he knew was important to me.

So yes, it's possible for someone to change behaviours to a certain extent.

I don't think it's possible to change mindset, however. Your bf thinks all housework is women's work. At this stage in life, his opinion will not change. Even if he starts cleaning his own poo stains off the toilet, he'll be resentful and thinking he's doing you a favour.

Do you want to live like this forever? You talk about having children with this man - will he change nappies? Will he get up in the middle of the night? Will he take over all of the housework so you get a break after giving birth?

Be very very careful about the choices you make going forward.

I’m not being ridiculous. At all. This is thread two of the OP repeating the same old shit despite the experiences of some of us. She doesn’t want help, she just wants somebody to tell her this man is fab and she can change him. I’ve never seen such a unanimous response on MN. Yet here we all are repeating the same things over and over and she’s talking about a rota and blowjob rewards. Come on.

I don’t want an answer to this but how does a rota for cleaning shit out of the toilet bowl work? I do it Monday, you do it Tuesday? Most people, including tweens and teens, are fully capable of just doing it when they poop.

I’m still going between this being a wind up and this being yet another example of a woman being taken for a ride.

This thread is like a slow car crash 😬

Honestly she is being really daft. The man is going to be shared drag. It will end acrimonious unless she gives up and does everything herself

If he loved you enough for the relationship to be healthy he wouldn’t have laughed in your face and asked what you expect when you told him you weren’t happy cleaning up his literal shit after him.

If he loved you enough for the relationship to be healthy he wouldn’t have had the unreal audacity to fuck off after eating the dinner you made him the other night when you’d agreed to have a chat and apparently had made it clear to him it was important to you. Without even washing up first.

Your self esteem must be shot for you to think this is worth pursuing or will make you happy. I hope your friends can talk some sense into you before you sleepwalk your way into being pregnant with him.

I've had three husbands OP and I can assure you they never change. Not ever. I'm single now and very happy. I no longer have husbands who are bone idle give up work or abuse my hospitality.
None of them got a penny from me in the divorce because I made sure I 100% protected my assets.
Love, or should I say lust doesn't last unless both parties pull their weight right from the beginning. If you have to cajole, make lists, beg for help at this early stage the relationship is completely doomed.

Ew. This guy is a walking ick. DO NOT pass Go. DO NOT collect £200.

My 14 yo son has AuDHD. He has some gut issues and sometimes it’s messy. He will sometimes (not always) forget to clean it but the second I say “you need to clean the loo”, he does it immediately. He does not expect me to clean it up and he treats me and our home with respect. As I said he’s 14. Not a late 20’s manchild who expects women to do this as a matter of course.

@JadeySmiles You need to think very carefully about whether he is future faking you. This should be the honeymoon phase of your relationship where you don't really want to be apart - but already you are pushed to settle for a 1950s relationship based on his misogynistic views

Just in the last week we know

• that he mocks you for nagging "the man" about cleaning
• he blows you off when you want to talk for his mates at the pub (such a cliche)
• he expects dinner on the table but criticised what you make
• cleaning is women's work - you/his mum it doesn't really matter
• he thinks "doing a shop" is splitting living expenses 50:50
• he doesn't want to be "tied down" to any actual jobs
• he wants you to be his mum and tell him what to do....
• when you do tell him what he needs to do he goes into a teenage sulk and stomps off to his x-box like a moody 13 year old

He wants property ownership at little effort to himself - you are subsiding his living expenses yet he is is not saving the money - his parents have already done that for him. So he is benefiting from more disposable income while you and his parents do the boring adult things. His sense of entitlement is gobsmacking!

He is one of these men (and my first husband was like this - I was only 18 when we met) who is absolutely lovely when he gets what he wants but sulks and gives the silent treatment when he doesn't. Living together exposes this so bit by bit you find yourself changing your actions to avoid days of sulking.

The kicker is - that although he is future faking the marriage/children life you envisage. With immature men like these - there is a 50%+ chance that he'll suddenly turn around when you are mid-30s and claim that he never even wanted children (this is what mine did when I was 30 - despite future faking since I was 18). Even if you do have children you can be sure that it will be "women's work" and you will be doing 100% of childcare and that it will be your career suffering for school runs, sick kids and juggling summer holidays.

So thankful I actually married an actual adult 32 years ago who doesn't go along with this misogynistic crap - did his share of cleaning and childcare (even though clueless at the start) - even took himself on a cooking course.