To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

What have I just read? Why would you stay with anyone who has such open contempt for you? You can be happy alone OP. Please get rid of this cuckoo.

I am still scared when men shout and scared of sons when they get angry as it was my fault that I didn't stop him, now they older they understand The good thing is my sons actually learnt that's not how to behave and have given me lovely grandchildren who are kind and loving

If he loves me as much as he says then he will pull his weight - simple.

Yet he laughed at you when you cleaned his shit out of the toilet.

Why did you ask him to move in? Was he making noises about having 'nowhere to go'?

Most renters would just renew thier tenancy, it's not hard.

@JadeySmiles I’m sorry lovely, he sees you as a quick and easy way for him to get on the property ladder. He’s never going to take on half the chores. And he is going to be one of those men who sees everything domestic as your job.

For example I moved into my ex’s house and when our dc was born and we both worked the same hours, I had all the nights and all the weekends with her, apart from prearranged times if I knew I had work to do. If we both had work to do, even if mine was on the calendar first he simply went out to his, and left me to both do mine and look after our dc (or not do extra work, meaning he paid off his overdraft and I didn’t because I had to give up that extra). If I arranged to go out to see a friend or do a class, he would “forget” that he was on home duty and would go out before I got home from work, not reply to texts at first, and essentially force me to cancel my plans. He’d send something like, “dc is with my mum, she’ll bring dc home at 6pm” and then later say oh I went fishing, I went to see my nephews, I forgot we had this arrangement.

Despite liking a show home, if I cooked he would clear the table and no more. If he cooked, I’d stack the dishwasher, wash the cooking pans, and wipe down the worktops. Guess what, on the days I cooked, I also did these jobs.

(it was also my fault if the house wasn’t spotless, and there was financial abuse too. He also had an affair with his friend from work.)

Honestly, while he might change the excuses he won’t change the essentials. I see variations of my story play out so often and I wish I had been on MN at the time because i’d’ve got much better advice than I did. We all think the same because we have seen this storyline so often. Cut your losses and move him back out. If he loves you he will show you that he’s willing to do the work to make amends and change his ways- but I think he’ll blame you for enforcing a boundary that he doesn’t like. He’ll sulk or get around it in passive-aggressive ways like my ex.

He’s not exactly Park Lane with three hotels on…

Ok. You’re too blind to see what is glaringly obvious to every single person who has commented.

Youre going to look back at this in a couple of years, baby or not, and wonder how you could have been so silly as to think it was ever going to have a happy outcome. It won’t, but you clearly don’t want to consider that you’re wrong, and that he is not good for you.

Sadly, threads like this one make me feel a lot less sympathetic towards women posting that they have 3 children and their father does nothing around the house

This. They're two separate issues.

This

More old Kent Road with caravan

Indeed. Anyone who dares say ‘weren’t there signs there before you had 5 kids’ is ALWAYS immediately jumped on with ‘men only become abusive after pregnancy.’ Sure, sometimes. And sometimes, the red flags were waving and ignored.

Agree. Men like this one - and many others - are waving more red flags than the Russian army on a Moscow May Day parade and the women tie themselves into a pretzel to make excuses and tell us ‘but he’s sooooooooo kind and sweet and caring the brief times inbetween being a complete and utter cunt and just cling onto those few crumbs they’re being thrown.

Its so depressing in 2025 women are prepared to set their bar so low just so they can have a man in their bed and then wonder why they’re left holding the baby while the resident cocklodger is out cheating and acting like he’s still single but still expects his shirts ironed, his dinner on the table and sex on demand.

Please imagine this @JadeySmiles ...

You stick him on the mortgage... does he hand over his cash first, then you do it or does he say the cash is waiting and will hand it over once you've done it?

You stick him on the mortgage and he is going to contribute to servicing that mortgage... how do you ensure he actually does this? Because he could come up with any number of excuses as to why he can't afford his share this month, next month, any month...

You put him on the mortgage and he suddenly drops the love bombing act and starts being an absolute cock, or even abusive... you ask him to leave, but its now half his house, he won't... can you afford to buy him out, thats hard if he won't fuck off, strings you along pretending he'll buy you out. Or if he can't afford to buy you out, won't let you buy him out, and also won't piss off so you can sell the property and give him his half (yup, half) back...

Don't view this as him committing to your relationship - view this as you giving him a HUGE chunk of cash. Does it feel so secure now?

I missed this from your first thread:

He cooked for himself, no ex, I’m his first ‘serious’ relationship.

In which case, he is way too young and inexperienced to be considered a potential life partner. His reactions to your requests that he step up a bit more are being heard through the ears of an 8 yr old boy in a man's body. He will probably not be fully cooked much before 35 which is too late for your plans. Serious relationships teach us a lot about ourselves and other people. He needs to live a little more. Settling down now would be an all round disaster. He's not a bad person, just an inexperienced late developer and immature.

At this point, given your updates, I think he is just testing you (blatantly taking the piss!) to see how far he can push you and it's pretty damn far by the looks of it. I bet he's having a right laugh with his mates.

I don't know what this guy would have to say or do (or not do!) for you to say "Enough, I am worth more than this." You seem to have no bounderies.

You are clearly going to stick with him despite his attitude and behaviour, making endless excuses and allowances for him.

I don't think I have ever seen a thread where a poster has such a clear vision of a life ahead of drudgery, frustration, resentment and misery and yet merrily continues dancing towards it. Good luck to you, you're going to need it.

I can't read this anymore. It's more than his refusal to do chores, sulking etc. It's his underlying attitude towards you, and probably women in general. Did you get any hint of this attitude before he moved in? You really see a persons true beliefs and values when you live together as partners, and you have to make sure these are compatible with yours. This is a much deeper issue than housekeeping and rotas, which you are focused on. Why would anyone need a rota to clean a toilet after use! The bj comment is very disrespectful. I would be worried that you'd lose your home if you aren't able to afford to buy him out. I understand that you want to keep an open mind, you know him best, but the rose tinted specs must be removed first. Best of luck to you.

You have made a rota !!!! Ffs

Just tell him, "Last week and every week before that I cleaned the whole house top to bottom. This week it's your turn , do it and do it well, otherwise pack your bags and leave, which I know for sure you can do. No negotiations"

Oh dear, just get him out

Another cock before common sense, thread. 👏

If he was equality minded his "blow job rota" would have been an "oral sex rota" so that you were included.

she is totally included. In his mind, the housework is all for her, so the blowjobs are something for him too. I wish the op could realise this is how he thinks. That cleaning his own shit off the toilet will be him doing her job as a generous gift to her.

Agree.
I know of several sisters of friends that wouldn't be told by their families that they were being used and then were all poor me looking for sympathy when it eventually registered with them.

Similarly I know of friends who had other friends who ended up with user men.
They made one bad decision after another.
After a while their friends had enough of listening to their endless whinging about selfish lazy men who showed exactly who they were early on. They insisted on having children with them and marrying them and being stuck with them, working hard in successful careers, doing all the parenting while carrying loser lazy men.

Its one thing to make poor decisions because you don't know any better, but it really is hard to feel huge sympathy for those who are hell bent on going ahead with losers despite every indication that they are total wasters.

I can well understand why friends and family choose to step away, tired of listening to it.

I think I’m getting through now.

He noticed I was a bit upset on the way home after we saw friends for a walk. They asked how it was going and he answered before I could and basically said ‘great, I think shes just about gotten use to living with a man’. I told him how frustrated I feel and that I am scared our relationship is going to end if it continues like this.

He assures me he is going to start pulling his weight and as soon as we got home he started cleaning, he has done the kitchen and is cleaning the bathroom now.

He is having friends over tomorrow before they go out (I’m seeing family who are a couple hours away so won’t be here) so that will be a good test as he’s not done that before and I’ve told him I expect the house to be kept clean.

I have my head in my hands.
The way he speaks about you in front of your friends is appalling.
He’s not far off 30.
He’s not 13.

Have you actually taken in the unanimous posters responses?
Frankly I despair Full stop