For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Unless he broke in and forced his way into her bed, the OPs daughter also played a part too.

Teenagers can be fucking stupid.

What on earth do you think the police would have done?! They are both 14.

Oh god yeh I’d lose my mind too! Not sure what id do but definitely ground her and take her phone away. It’s the disrespect and deceit that would mainly piss me off.

Get the whole story - threats? Social media pressures? What else are these teens up to? Does he have a record? Get it checked out.

I would ask her why she felt the need to sneak him in and not be honest with me. Because it is either because she recognises she is too young or believes you and the other parents would say no.
then ask exactly what she thought would happen if the boys parents found him missing in the morning and what would have happened if the police had been called?

No matter what age house rules exist and seeking him into the house is disrespectful and does deserve punishment

I think you have a little too much faith in the police there…

At most, if they had come out quickly (which they probably wouldn’t), they would have taken him home as he’s a child.

That would have been a good result

You are a very good mother. She will thank you some day for protecting her.

also explain to her that woman can develop cervical cancer for having intercourse too young and having a few partners.

I became sexually active around my 15th birthday (I don't subscribe to this male created "lost virginity" nonsense, I didn't lose anything), I'm in my later 40s now, with a professional job, so no lectures please. Neither did I drink or smoke as a teen, but my hormones were bubbling. When mum first found out I was having sex, she was annoyed, not that I was having sex per se but that I hadn't confided in her.

Yes the daughter has done wrong and sneaking a boy into the house was not a smart move to say the least. But what she needs is support and a good cuddle, as well as contraception.

I'd get her on contraception, preferably the injection or inplant, ASAP. You don't want any accidents.

I'd talk to his parents.

I'd better secure the house. I'd put window restrictors on the windows and a camera on the front and back. If he's sneaking in she might be seeking out.

I'd be very clear that is unsafe an unacceptable. She not mature enough to be having sex with anyone. She's 14.

They are both irresponsible. Imagine if something happened on his bike ride over. Imagine if you had a house fire. You wouldn't have even know he was in the house.

You can't stop them having sex but you need to discuss consent. You need to talk about sexual health STIs. You need to talk about not taking body part pictures that she would be embarrassed for her dad/ grandad or the world to see.

No not at all. Far more likely to get through to her about things eg contraception, boundaries, behaviour if the relationship is good. I dont mean shopping buying lots of gifts I mean shared experiences and time together it’s valuable especially when parenting teenagers.

Exactly!

Thats a very sad sitution but not at all relevant to the Op.

YANBU at all - I would have gone ballistic and phoned his parents to come and pick him up.

And the girl ?
They are both culpable.

Why would have a record?

She was the sweetest loveliest dd, to keep you onside and use your naivety to hoodwink you, to have nookey with her boyfriend. Or do you think he co-erced her into it, which is another thing altogether. If you believe the sentence: I know that a lot of her friends are doing similar things and her best friend is sleeping with her boyfriend and apparently her mum is ok about it leads me to believe you believe everything she tells you. You need to check her phone messages

You never know.

• I’d be concerned about pressure put on the girl.

There is nothing to suggest he has you are just getting carried away with yourself

The op has repeatedly said there is no pressure .

Oh - carried away me? Check you sticking up for potential abuse of the 14yr girl by thinking it carried away to report the matter. Have a think - more than a head wobble.

Yup. He was willing to cycle to the OP's home in the dark and - presumably - intended to cycle back before the OP woke up...He merely left a bit earlier than he'd anticipated.

Give your own head a wobble there is no suggestion the girl is being abused other than in your head ,they are BOTH 14

As a parent I would focus on the safety of my child. The op has a 14 yr old girl with a boy in her room at night parents not asked. I’d be checking out all angles. Social media bullying/threats/ pressure is a big one I’d be following up on. I’d involve the police, other parents and school.

Exactly...

But not surprised being MN that it's the boy that's probably forcing the girl into it.

Reading threads on here of late seems long gone are the days of girls being made of sugar and spice.