For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

To be honest, they're going to have sex if they want to, regardless of what parents think.

My view is that it's better you know, sort out contraception, and give them a safe space. Better that than doing it in a bush somewhere.

Same thing happened with my daughter (although he was already in the house 😂) a few years ago, and that's what I did.

After the initial shock (and shouting!) I was more mortified that she felt she couldn't confide in me, and felt like a really bad parent. I made it clear to them that I thought they were too young, but I took her to the GP and she went on the pill. He was the same age, so there were no safeguarding issues, and I had a discussion with her about consent. 3 years later they are still together.

You're doing a great job. Everything will work out OK.

Don’t apologise to someone who’s just spoke to you like you’re garbage! You made a mistake! So what. That was a nasty thing they said. You can obviously read. Don’t say sorry to an asshole. Sorry, I’m not telling you what to do, it’s just I hate to see you apologise for a genuine mistake to someone who just snapped nastiness at you. X

Judgemental?

I'd be more angry about her duplicity - they'd obviously arranged this between them, he didn't just turn up at the door unexpectedly. So they can't even plead the 'oh we just got carried away' - this was planned. In a house with all her family present... it's a level of disrespect and lying that would make me incandescent. If she'd come to you and admitted that she and her boyfriend had got a little too excited and had sex and asked for advice, that's a very different thing.

I think the riot act should be read, about being honest more than anything else. What if, as a pp said, your DH caught him, didn't know who he was and assaulted him? And then called the police? Would the chance of getting sex be worth that?

Regardless of how you feel about her age it’s obvious she needs to be on contraception. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

I would be far more pissed off about her sneaking people into the house. And also maybe (try) to make sure she’s not sharing or sending any photos she shouldn’t be, even via Snapchat. It’s way too common these days and teenagers really don’t understand the implications when they do it.

I think if the DH assaulted the 14 year old it would be the DH that would be charged by the police.

Are you joking?

Well yes, exactly, that was my point. Her father could have found himself in serious trouble - and it would be her fault.

Yes, this! I’m 42 now and I’d probably STILL be grounded if I’d pulled this at 14!

Oh god, I used to do this at 15. My 17 year old boyfriend was always sneaking in and out of my house at night.We were never caught though. I only used to get away with it as I was living alone with my widowed dad, who worked shifts and was always knackered.

I have daughters, one is 11.

If I caught her with a boy in her room in a few years, I honestly don’t know what I’d do.

I would have probably driven him home and rang the doorbell and told his parents.

I don’t think I would completely lose my shit at my daughter, as I know from my adult son (who never did anything like that), that it’s easy to lose trust and push them away.

I will say this though, I guarantee my now adult son was not having sex at 14. He was at school, at cadets, at sports or at home. I didn’t let him wander the streets, go to parties and his friends used to come and hang out at our house where I always was. He wouldn’t have had the opportunity.

(But honestly, I just that fuck that dd is going to a single sex school and our area is too much of a shit hole to let even teens go out on thier own).

Agreed Such an awful apathy around actual parenting these days.

Calm down, she’s had a bit of a shock and looking for advice. Not everyone knows how to handle these types of things straight away.

I agree though to call his parents. They need to know! Apologise for sending him out into the night and say you were just a bit shocked and he was keen to leave too.

Hi OP, I agree with this. Or at least take her out for a coffee and a chat.

You need a balance of “that wasn’t acceptable” but without coming down tooo hard and push her the other way…

She doesn’t KNOW they’re having sex, as many posters have insinuated. I remember sneaking out to meet the boy down the road at about 14/15, and we weren’t having sex. That being said, it’s probably safer to get her on some contraception.

I also don’t think it’s the end of the world that she let him cycle back home- we don’t know where she lives, it could be an extremely safe area. A 14 year old would be fine cycling a few miles in my area at that time, although he’d probably be stopped by the patrolling policeman and asked what he was doing since our city has a curfew.

I’m sorry, OP! Parenting teens is not for the weak. I have a 17 year old and if we both survive until he goes to college, it’ll be a miracle.

I agree.

When I was 15, my boyfriend’s mother hated me. She would rant and rave at him.

What actually happened is that it pushed us together, when in reality, we would have got bored of each other in a few months. We even stopped using contraception as we wanted to be “our own little family” as everyone else was against us.

Thank fuck, and god knows how, seeing as I fell pregnant at 41 on the first try, that I didn’t fall pregnant at 15. I can only thank my lucky stars for that one.

But going nuclear and pushing teenagers away from each other usually has the opposite effect.

The issue here, apart from the obvious one of possible underage sex and all the ramifications, is the sneaking around. I don't envy you having to tackle it all, but you must. I would have a serious talk about trust, and the fact that you must know who is under your roof and when. Then another serious talk about underage sex, birth control etc.
She's only 14, immature and doesn't understand any of this, which is why she's done something so silly.
I would also let his parents know, and talk to your daughter and her boyfriend together - he is welcome but he is not to sneak in, you must know he's there.
I think you're way beyond punishments and taking things away/grounding - this is adult stuff but you must be able to control your own house.
Good luck x

Sure - go ahead and ‘punish’ her and push her even further away from you. Sure fire way to ensure she never confides in you again.

Or alternatively discuss contraception, consent and appropriate behaviour.

Anyone else having a little smile at him bringing his pjs? Did he have his toothbrush and can of lynx as well?

Like other posters have suggested, I think there’s two issues here to be tackled.

Sneaking the boyfriend in - this is a breach of your trust and blatant bad behaviour, she knows it’s wrong. Some kind of consequence is appropriate here - ring doorbell as she’s proven she can’t be trusted with who enters the house, phone handed to Mum / Dad at 9pm, whatever.

Underage sex / boyfriend is a separate issue. She may well be sexually active soon if she isn’t already. She needs a hug from mum, a chat somewhere neutral about consent, sending or taking photos, STI’s and feeling pressure to have sex, a reminder that lots of teenagers tell tall tales about having “done it” when they actually haven’t at all. Make sure she knows she can come to you with any concerns and the risks of having sex in unsafe locations.

She needs to be taken for emergency contraception if there’s any chance it’s needed and an appointment made with the GP. I personally would be gently saying if her boyfriend likes her and is serious he should be visiting during the daytime, not only in secret.

Why are people saying they would have driven him home? He got there of his own accord - he could leave the same way.

I'd be incredibly shocked, OP. Yes I can understand them wanting sex but ffs sneaking him into the house in the middle of the night is another thing altogether. I imagine they are saying this is the first time they'd done that but is that likely?

I would have driven him home, or made him call his parents to come and collect him, as I wouldn’t want a panicked 14 year old, probably scared of the shit he was in, to be biking home alone in the middle of the night.

this happened to my neighbours, they lived in a bungalow and he climbed in through bedroom window. At 14 she was pregnant but unfortunately the baby died a cot death within a few weeks. Her dad screwed the window closed. She ran away and wasn’t found for weeks, ended up living with boyfriends mum who didn’t think it was an issue.

not really sure what happened as the parents moved away but I think their DD was no contact by then.

be careful OP. 💐

I will message his parents and tell them what happened and I think we should talk face to face at some point too.

The time for a face to face talk in order to control this situation is now.

A boyfriend at 14 and sneaking into her bedroom , she’s way too fast and wild. I would be coming down hard on her and definitely contacting his parents.

I’d have called the police and then his parents. What a shit this boy is. No respect for the girl or her parents.