For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

What do you think the police will do?
They are both minors so if they are having sex they are both having sex with a minor
Why would you humiliate your child by involving school ,what can they do?

The fact that the OP might have to organise a smear test for the daughter came to mind - it only takes one partner carrying HPV. (Although she might have had the HPV inoculation?)

Honestly, at that age the thought of having to endure a smear test would have put me off sex for life.

The school can be informed in case of behavioural changes, bullying etc happening there. This is a problem of a 14yr old inviting a boy into her room without the parents knowledge. Luckily they found out. It’s a risk she took and who knows what the result would have been. I’d tackle it from all directions.

They are both 14 its highly unlikely hes going to have much if any previous sexual experience.

For heavens sake.

The police would do nothing. The school would do nothing.

What exactly would you like or expect them to do?

To be informed. Social media bullying and pressure happens. If they do nothing then at least they were informed. This is what I would do. You might be in the drive him home category and think it all a laugh.

Jesus can you learn to read? It’s in the OP! I think you need to get off MN yourself and maybe hire a tutor for some lessons in fluency and comprehension.

No, I don’t think it’s all a laugh.

But humiliating the pair of them with getting the school involved or wasting police time (if they would even come out), isn’t going to help.

Teens have been shagging in secret long before social media, it doesn’t sound like they have been bullied in to it.

OP, when I was about 16, my boyfriend snuck out of his house, climbed onto the garage under my window, knocked and came in, at around 2am. We then made a bit of a habit of it. We weren't having sex. We were snogging and more, a way short of sex, and generally enjoying being alone together without being constantly monitored. We had a loving, respectful, consensual relationship. We started having sex at some point, but only when we were in the sixth form and guaranteed an empty house during the day.

I was a sweet, largely responsible girl, who worked hard, had a weekend job, volunteered and did well in her exams.

I don't have any parenting advice as it's not my forte, but just wanted to add to the voices saying she'll probably be fine.

The pill does not = safe sex.
The pill = hormones which many women don’t get along with. At 14, if her menstrual cycle is otherwise normal, I would be seriously talking to her about all forms of contraception. Many women in their 30’s resent being put on the pill at such a young age and not being informed of all the side effects.

The pill will not protect her from STI’s, and if she isn’t vaccinated against HPV, she’ll want to understand the long term risks associated with that too.

I think she seems like she wants to act like an adult, so time to start talking to her like one. If she wants to have sex, sit her down and give her some proper lessons about sexual health, relationships, what’s legal etc.

She said up until a year and a half ago, are you really saying her daughter has been sweet and lovely to her mum for 12-13 years of her whole life to shag some boy at 14? (Also with NO evidence they’re having sex, a boy in your bed doesn’t mean that at all, the drama on here about that and how they must be having sex is ridiculous).

The deception, secrecy and bad behaviour are of course really scary and very concerning for the OP but there are elements of farce too, the BF cycled round, bringing his pyjamas with him, and then changed into them!
Meanwhile DD had bought new, sexier nightwear. Then the parents caught them in bed together. Sitcom land - but also potentially serious drama territory.
It may be they didn't want, or weren't ready, to be naked together, but they did want to be more intimate. They might have had sex if they hadn't been interrupted...or not.
They sound so young still - but if they had already had sex I doubt whether they would bother with the nightwear.
I'm sorry if it seems that I'm not taking it seriously, I really am. But what they did shows they are are still very young teenagers, thoughtless and hormones-driven.
But it's not my DC -- so huge sympathy to the OP. It sounds like she has a great relationship with her DD and will do her absolute best to keep it that way.
(DS slept in CK pants from about the age of 12, but I could imagine at 14 he'd be self conscious and would wear pyjamas getting into bed with a GF for the first time...We did have some problems with him - cars, weed, booze, fags. But he's doing well now, specially considering he had little or no focus till about 25.)
Teenage behaviour, eh? Surprising, fucking scary, annoying and sometimes a bit amusing. But I repeat, lots of sympathy and good luck with it all, OP.

Contact his parents.

Read them and him the riot act. Your husband needs to be part of this.

This boy grossly disrespected you and your husband. He needs to know that you will not countenance that. He should not be welcome in your home again.

Take DD's phone. Ground her. If she wants a phone again, it will need to be on condition that you have strict control over it. You will have access to the phone whenever you ask for it and will be able to read all conversations and see all photos.

You need to take the phone asap. You need access to the conversations between her and the boy. You need to determine whose idea this was and what else has been going on.

You need to show her your complete disapproval of whatever part she played in this escapade.

DD needs to be put in every extracurricular activity that exists in your area so that she can return to reality and have no time to spend with this boy.

True, but it only take one encounter with the virus if you're unlucky.

I would be very reluctant to endorse a 14 year old starting hormonal contraception. Give her hormones a chance to find their natural rhythmn first before messing with them!

Eyeroll....

That's how women end up becoming grandmothers at 37.

There is nothing to be lost and everything to be gained by showing teenagers who the adults are in your home and demanding their respect. Teenagers answer to you as long as they live in your home, and parents have every right to demand and receive honesty, cooperation, and respect for the values you are teaching them and the behaviour you wish them to follow.

It's a dilemma - what's worse: mucking up your natural rhythm or risking becoming pregnant?

Unfortunately, I know of cases where young girls have been given implants because a pregnancy would have been catastrophic.

Agree with this. Not a chance. Research the effects of long term hormonal birth control started at such a young age.

Doesnt stop from having sex though.

Its 4pm and no mention of you having contacted his parents yet?
Has he managed to sneak back into his own bed with his parents none the wiser as to his nocturnal adventures?
Give him a week or two to get over his fright and he'll be boasting to all his mates about the escapade and playing the big sex stud!
His parents really need to be in the picture!

There were girls & boys in my year at school having sex at 14. Admittedly they were in a minority & to be honest they didn't have the best reputations despite as you mentioned OP it being natural.

At 14 they are still children & far too young to appreciate the possible consequences such as STIs & pregnancy. I am sure you've had a serious chat with your daughter although whether she adheres to your advice is another story. As far as punishments go while she is under 16, each time she breaks your parental rules I would stop all forms of pocket money or agreeing to new clothes etc.

1. pregnancy test
2. birth control

He’s not allowed at your house right now without permission, they both lost your trust.

If they are having sex at 14 they won't be the first. I fully agree it's too young ideally - I think I have more liberal views about sex on here to most and even I have always told my daughter I would strongly prefer her to wait till 16 at the very youngest, as I think sex is a big thing to process emotionally as an adult, yet alone as a child....

But the reality is, by 14 (or younger in some cases) many people have pretty much the body of an adult, and moreover both their libidos and the risk taking parts of their brain (I forget all the technical terminology) are at an all time high in adolescence - they are actually doing what comes naturally, and though your daughter may well respect you and wish she could follow your instructions, that part of her is having to battle a massive weight of evolutionary biology....

Punish and berate her and all you will do, in my opinions n, is weaken her respect for you. (Unless you have a highly conditioned child who is very scared of you - and if that was the case I doubt she would have risked sneaking him in in the first place).

Much better to talk, and listen. Explain to her your reasons for not wanting her to be sexually active at this stage (IF she even is). And acknowledge that there are lots of forms of intimacy that she can safely practice which might be more appropriate for their age, and which are not full penatrative sex....

But if she is determined to have sex she will, and I would actually prefer my underage daughter to have sex in the safety of our own home, where she is far less likely to get hurt, than in a bush in a park somewhere, if those were the only options......

And you said that going shopping was obviously cancelled - why? I would think you really need to be spending quality time with your daughter and really talking to her at this point - and nurturing your relationship with her so that she will be more honest with you in the future. The more she believes you love and value her, the more likely she is to care about your advice......

It must have been horribly shocking though, and I see why you are very stressed out. Good luck!

Of course it does.

Contrary to what's being said on this thread, teenagers do listen to pare ts, they do follow rules, they are not seething pots of bubbling hormones unable to control themselves, and they are well able to understand what consequences are, for both unacceptable bahaviour if you've been consistent in your enforcement of house rules and clear in your expectations, and for sex when they're not mature enough to handle that element of a relationship or deal with a pregnancy.

Parents who make sure their teens are kept busy, have their sights set on their futures, make sure they know the parents of their teens' friends, and direct their teens into developing their talents via extracurricular activities, as well as requiring they contribute to family life via cooking, cleaning, laundry, and doing their own tine management tend to have teens who respect them and what they're trying to accomplish.

But you can't "demand respect" can you?. Respecting someone isn't decision, it's a construal. Personally I would never feel any respect for somebody who believed I was obliged to respect them, whatever their actions, qualities and values, simply because they were older than me and owned the house I lived in.

You can of course compel someone you have absolute power over to pretend to respect you. If you own the house someone lives in and they are entirely dependant on you then yes, you can threaten to render them homeless if they don't do what you say. And they probably will. That isn't the same as them respecting you (and I'd venture to suggest isn't the relationship everybody wants to have with their children).

I'd say true respect is earned, and earned by being compassionate, altruistic, fair, kind, and not a bully.