For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

The Op.didn't know he was coming over ,however once she did find him any responsible person would have made sure he got home safely as he's only 14 the Op has every right to be upset
but is not safe for a 14 year old to be out and about at that time.

Was he planning on staying the whole night and sneaking out in the morning?

I would have told him to get on the couch to be honest and spoke to them both in the morning, and then took him home and spoke with his parents.

Your house your rules, he is not allowed to stay over, if he comes over he has to leave by a certain time, and she needs to leave her door ajar when he is there.

But they are 14 and they are much more advanced now than we were at 14. Put her on the pill, discuss STI's and take her to the local clinic to get some advice, leaflets and free condoms (I assume they still do this, i remember vaguely my sons school had someone come in to give a talk, they gave out free condoms and a card they could use to go back to get more).

Also speak to her about actual sex and love. Boundaries about what is normal what is not, what is acceptable and what is not. They have porn at their fingertips these days and she needs to know that what you see online is not normal sex or relationships and it pushes boundaries, it is for fantasists.

Get her to watch the American Pie films, they had it spot on about awkward teenagers and coming of age, losing virginity, etc, and its funny and lighthearted.

Is your DD closer to 15 - she isn’t the first and won’t be the last. I’d still go shopping, but use the time to talk to her about her boyfriend, her own safety and making decisions, and your house rules. I’d be more inclined to want her to keep talking to me about things rather than drive her (through punishment/consequences) to hiding things from me. She’s growing up, that’s not a reason to punish her.

Try and stay as level headed as you cn with his parents- you and they will hopefully be on the same page, and together on the rules will work better than blaming them in anyway will prob not help.

Not the point at all but I can’t believe they went to the effort of sneaking him in and then had the light on, idiots.

Wow theres some over reactions.

Sadly kids of 14 are having sex now, but you dont know they were having sex, boys dont usually wear their pj's to have sex!

And for those saying he was pressuring her, why did she buy new tiny pj's, why did she let him in? How do you not know thats its her pressuring him, planing it etc. But as other posters have said its always the boys fault.

I get it was a shock, but irresponsible to let him ride his bike home at that time of night. If it was the other way round and the girl had snuck in to the boys house, i bet the boys parents wouldnt have kicked her and made her get home on her own.

Ring cameras and Alexa in your bedroom — no one can approach my house without security lights going off, cameras recording and the Alexa announcing ‘Motion detected’ 😆 but that is a safety net, you need to sit down calmly with your daughter and talk about what happened, what your rules are and more importantly, get her contraception so there are no accidental teenage pregnancies. Kids will find a way to have sex if they want to have sex despite our best rules, my priority would be her safety and no pregnancies. Both mine were 18 before they were allowed boyfriends/girlfriends over for sleepovers (but the kids live in the annexe which is part of the main house rather than separate so they have own living room, bathrooms, kitchenette etc so not in my space!)

Also, I wouldn’t punish her as it will just make her better at keeping secrets from you. Both my kids are grown now and we’ve always had very close relationships where they tell me everything knowing I won’t judge/punish but advise them to do the right things. Both have always been respectful, kind and I’ve rarely had to taste my voice or punish them. They tell everyone that I’m their best friend and I don’t think I’d have had that influence in their lives if I had not had such close relationships and open communication with them. It may not work for everyone as depends how your children’s natures are but it’s worked for our family. Talk to your child, keep the lines of communication open so if and when they need help, you’re the first person they go to instead of hiding things and doing things behind your back..

And he slipped in to his pjs!!

.

.

Ha … we set the house alarm!

he has a 14 year old boy in her house, and therefore a duty of care, regardless of the circumstances.
If he had got run over and killed in the dark she would have had to live with that!

Oh god, you have my sympathy OP. This is exactly the kind of stunt my DD14 would pull with her 14yo boyfriend. They are obsessed with each other and I have to pry them apart - I have no doubt that they would be back together in the night if they thought they could get away with it. It feels like I am fighting a losing battle against the hormones and the intensity of first love. Like you I think he is a sweet boy and I am genuinely glad that she has someone caring to have these experiences with. But Jesus my nerves.....

I think the advice here is good about keeping communication open and staying calm. And I am also heeding the same advice about protection and contraception even if they insist nothing is happening in that department yet.

14yo obsession is an unstoppable force and I would rather keep a good relationship with DD than start to ban him/phone etc.

Me too

I am thankful that the dog would lose his marbles at any sneaking in in the middle of the night, because I am out like a light these days!

I think you'll get the parents that will say 'when I was 14 I was happily having sex. Get them both on contraception and have keep communication open' and those (like me) who would go nuts. And it'd make me feel a whole lot better as 14 is still a child. Jeez, is he 14 too? Cycling 3miles for a fumble/ sex. And get a ring alarm/ cameras.
You can't change what's happened but wise up, she's having sex.

Sorry but she's already having sex! Their first time wouldn't be when adults are around it would be when you're both at work, or in a toilet/bathroom somewhere.
And the "friend" that she's told you about is probably her using a friend to guage your reaction!

So you are saying that OP knew that her daughter's boyfriend was staying over with her daughter and is lying about this to get posters on her side?

If OP had agreed to let the boyfriend sleep over, why on earth would she post on Mumsnet about it?

You are just making stuff up to fit your batshit version of events.

It makes me genuinely feel sick to my stomach when I hear parents saying that they know their child is having sex at 14yrs old and they’re not doing whatever they can to discourage it (yes, I know you can’t actively stop them). 14 is a CHILD and a child cannot consent! It doesn’t matter if they’re both under 16, neither of them should be having sex whilst still children and breaking the law, a law which stands for a reason!

Don't be ridiculous, it's AIBU page and the title and question was perfectly reasonable and explained precisely what happened and how they reacted. Click bait is when they entice someone to click by distorting the subtext of what happened which the OP didn't do. AIBU may not be the place for you.

You are right to be concerned but be very careful how you deal with this. When I was 15, back in the 1970s, my parents discovered I was having an intimate relationship with my 15 year old boyfriend through a diary I had been keeping. I came in from seeing friends and my diary was on the table - my Mum had been snooping because she didn't like the boy. I got a lot of 'how has this been going on?', 'have you been having intercourse' etc etc. I was grounded and they insisted the boy come round for a 'chat'. Of course, it didn't stop us continuing to do what we were doing - we were just more careful not to be found out.
My parents were otherwise lovely people who wanted the best for me but their handling of things definitely damaged how I feel about intimacy throughout my life. You need to focus on punishing the deception and emphasising what the law says, not the fact that they have been having sex. Obviously, you need to make sure your daughter is protected from pregnancy and STI's as well.

I don't think the boyfriend would have survived in our house - finding him in my 14yr olds bedroom having snuck into our house (he's got no fear obviously), I would have seen red.

If he did survive, I would have put him in the car with my husband for a slow drive home and make him tell his parents what he has been up to. He would not be welcome in my house again and I'd make it difficult for him to see my 14 yr old. My daughter would also be strongly talked to regarding boundaries and definitely conception - then I would sort out something to occupy her time more.

Yes - teenagers will be teenagers, but that boyfriend is another level and it's illegal, so I would absolutely be strong on the issue. I wish my parents had taken a stronger stance with me as a teenager - at 14 years old your not old enough to deal with sex on any level and don't understand any implications going forward.

I don't think being strict as a parent means they stop talking to you, in fact I think they know you are always in their corner as a parent (not a friend) and come to you when they need help.

So you would assault a 14 year old and then terrify him half to death and slso destroy any future relationship with your daughter?
It would be you that might be facing criminal charges
Not two 14 year olds who are equally culpable of having sex with a minor.

You are obviously concerned, immediate anger lead to concern. Don't try and close the stable door when that horse as bolted. You can't keep her under constant watch. Ensure that contraception is on her radar.

I would still take her shopping tbh. Your best bet from now on is to have a good relationship and open communication rather than punishments .