For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Again thanks everyone who’s given me some pure nuggets of wisdom and ways to deal with this as rationally as possible, considering how emotionally exhausting the last hours have been since catching sight of dd’s boyfriend in her bedroom.
First of all I have texted the parent as they were not picking up my calls. I wrote my side of what happened in a non accusatory way but as yet no reply.
I also made a point to apologise for not having the mindset to call them at 1am to come pick him up from ours, but I would like to point out that we do live in a pretty safe area and there are cycle lanes everywhere. But if the tables were turned and they’d made my daughter go back home alone I know I would’ve been upset and I still feel really bad about that.
My daughter and I have spent most of the day talking and I believe her 100% when she says they did not have sex. He’s not pressuring her to do it either and I believe this too, if you talked to this boy he just seems too innocent to be wanting sex BUT my guard is now firmly up and my trusting nature left the moment when I saw him leap out of dds bed. And to clarify his pjs were under his joggers (for those of you who have pictured him with an overnight case and toothbrush)! Dd says he was there for cuddling only although admitted it was the excitement of it all and again to explain we have a walled in side shed which is far too easy to climb when you are a tall lad and from there it’s my dd’s window, so that’s going to be permanently locked from now on.
I’m beyond drained and undoubtedly there will be many more discussions about sex and where she’s at and I now know that the more we talk about sex and her relationship the less defensive she’ll get and hopefully be more honest with me. I’m still on the fence about putting her on the pill and she has said she really does not want to have sex so I have to try to believe her.

OP, I remember one of my pals telling me that you could sleep with a boy without having sex with him - that was the line that her boyfriend used.

Gradually, however, she did have sex with him. Call me an old cynic, but that might have been the way the boyfriend's mind was heading.

In any case, it's simply not worth the risk.

I mean, to be clear OP you shouldn’t be ‘putting her on the pill’. It needs to be her informed choice. At the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to take them, she can flush them. You’ll never know.
I’d really caution against that kind of approach. She needs to come to that decision after being provided the information.

Speak to his parents, they have to know what’s going on.

Take your daughter and get her on the pill or a serious chat about protection ( I would get her on the pill/ implant though if it was me ) - I would make it clear this isn’t permission and I would be setting some very clear boundaries - room checks , phone checks , phone with you when she’s in bed. But the fact is the only way you stop this is locking her away which you can’t do and it’s likely that any punishments are going to be met with rebellion . You may not be able to stop her having sex , that’s the truth of it and so you need to make sure that she is protected and also you need to be careful - yes, you have to parent her but if you push her too far then she will not come to you if she’s ever in trouble and you do not want a pregnancy.

I would certainly have a punishment - grounding her, no shopping etc - but I would make it clear that it’s because of the lies and sneaking her boyfriend in - breaking your rules .

I have a stepdaughter , mom not involved . I found out she was having sex when she was 15. I had always been open with her and because of that she came to me after having unprotected sex. Because she did , I could take her to the clinic and get her the morning after pill , get her on the pill and get her an sti check ( that sadly showed she had an sti ) so then she had treatment for that. This was a wake up call for her , I never told her dad . She’s 21 now and she trusted me because of that and never got herself in that predicament again but I know if she had she wouldn’t have tried dealing with it alone because she had me to talk to . I was honest with her about my own experiences and she really took it on board .

She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!)

If they’re both 14/15 it’s not illegal - it’s only if one is over the age of consent and the other isn’t that it becomes a legal issue.

I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I?

Yes you should tell them. He could have got knocked off his bike and killed, cycling around in the middle of the night. They could have gone to his room and found him missing and had the police out looking for him. He needs to know it's not an adventure to do things like that, it's dangerous and irresponsible.

Them knowing what he did should make pretty sure he doesn't try it again.

"If they’re both 14/15 it’s not illegal - it’s only if one is over the age of consent and the other isn’t that it becomes a legal issue."

Well yes it is. Anyone in a safeguarding position would be obliged to report it for instance. The CPS are unlikely to take prosecute or take action though.

you have maybe unwittingly eatablished a behaviour in your teen that this kind of thing is to be expected

Her response at this event was horror. I think it's safe to say that her morals / ethics (or whatever the right word is) are firmly in place and communicated to her DD.

It could be possible I suppose, but no evidence of that shown in her posts.

She needs contraception. Yes she says they just wanted to cuddle but hormones take over and common sense gets put under the bed. Get her told that every time she has has sex her boyfriend wears a condom for the full time.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cwyq9vlqx5go

By coincidence this happened today.

You got a problem in your hands 😢yes, you do want her on the pill. Do you think the bf sneaks in her bedroom to chat? don’t be naive

The pill isn't great at 14 as she will forget
.get her on the implant unless you like the title nanny or going to the termination clinic. Remember strict parents make sneaky teens open and honesty no judgement but boundaries work much better

I find it creepy as can be that a teenage boy is accessing your house whilst you are asleep. Don't give a toss how sweet and innocent he seems, he would be permanently banned.

Where is the judgement in that?

It’s an observation not a critique.

I have to agree with this.

I don’t think 14 year olds should be on the pill. But I also don’t think they should be sneaking their boyfriends into their bedrooms in the middle of the night.

I think it’s realistic to put a teenager who engages in this sort of behaviour on the pill.

My cousin was interested in boys from a young age and ended up pregnant at 16. It starts with being sneaky. She put her parents through hell and ruined her life.

It sounds like you had a good chat with her, OP. :) I’m curious to see what his parents think.

He is the one who cycled over in the middle of the night and came into a house he had no right to be in because the householder hadn't given him permission to be there. That shows he is an underhand and dishonest person.

I wouldnt say underhand and dishonest, he probably never thought it through i an adult way thinking about householders permission etc. Just naive.

May09Bump · Today 12:02
I don't think the boyfriend would have survived in our house - finding him in my 14yr olds bedroom having snuck into our house (he's got no fear obviously), I would have seen red.
If he did survive, I would have put him in the car with my husband for a slow drive home and make him tell his parents what he has been up to. He would not be welcome in my house again and I'd make it difficult for him to see my 14 yr old. My daughter would also be strongly talked to regarding boundaries and definitely conception - then I would sort out something to occupy her time more
What a crock of shite!
He was allowed in. Dd planned and opened the door to him.
Don't think he would survive! Lol!
The worse thing that has happened is a 14 year old has had sex consensually with her boyfriend. She's not the first or the last. All this fighting talk of ' if he survived ' bollocks is horse shit.
If you were to have a good at anyone it would be the daughter for planning it, wearing her new sexy pj's and letting him in!

I would assault an intruder in my home trying to have sex with my child - so yes. Yes I would also hope he was terrified to death as he might think twice about pulling that kind of stunt again. Honestly, if my Daughter thought bad of me forever more, that would be her choice - I'm protecting her whilst she is a child.

I've seen the fallout from allowing underage sex (far into adulthood - emotional and physical) and I'll risk my Daughter not having a relationship with me to allow her to get to legal age and make decisions about sex then.

I have a Daughter and 15 yr old son - so coming from from both sides.

What on Earth made him think he could enter someone's home in the dead of night and that could be ok? If the OP's Daughter invited him - obviously the same goes for her. The lack of respect, boundaries, etc is shocking even for teenagers.

Absolutely not bollocks, I'm not going to be cool about finding a boy in my house in the dead of night - all this cool parenting is a crock of shite, to use your words. Yep, Daughter would also not be getting a cuddle and a coffee outing in the morning either.

At 14 I would have paid no attention to my parents telling me not to have sex, not because I didn't respect them or because I didn't have a good relationship, purely because I would not see it as any of their business. My body, my choice. I would certainly have used contraception though

She needs to be given a curfew to be home.
Then no phones / computers after a certain time so she cannot contact him.
I would tell his parents.
Tell her this is punishment for not obeying rules and if she obeys for X amount of time it's baby steps back to getting more freedom.
She needs to learn the hard way or she will keep hiding things from you.

Absolutely not bollocks, I'm not going to be cool about finding a boy in my house in the dead of night - all this cool parenting is a crock of shite, to use your words. Yep, Daughter would also not be getting a cuddle and a coffee outing in the morning either.
I didn't say I would be better cool either and I wouldn't e cuddling and going for coffee either but I wouldn be the other end of the spectrum either with with statements like ' if he survives' DD is the issue here.

I would assault an intruder in my home trying to have sex with my child - so yes.
He wasn't an intruder though. Dd invited him in. Would you say that any of her friends from school that she invites in without you knowing are intruders? She asked him to be there. It looks like she wanted sex, he wasn't there to rape her!
Just two horney teens. Yes, she deserves sanctions for pulling a stunt like that. I would punish for her sneaking around when everyone should be asleep but it's not the end of the world either.

Dd will probably just end up shagging at a mates house when their parents are at work now she has been busted.

Call me what you like, but what is required here is love. We are talking teenage hormones.

You don’t “put” a daughter on the pill. You suggest it might be best if…

And no late night invitees, agreed!

You don’t punish, you reason and discussion lead. And this was why when l was a teens (40s now) so many friends turned to my lovely mum (now deceased) for support, when they couldn’t speak to their own parents.

Nobody is being cool ,but assaulting a 14 year old and alienating your daughter is not the way forward and you might also find yourself in a whole heap of trouble with the police .

This!