To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

Do you know how much DLA is? It definitely isn't enough to afford soundproofing, especially when it will be likely swallowed up with other costs relating to his disability.

Yes I know how much it is; I'm in receipt of it. It wouldn't pay for it all immediately however if my child was causing such distress and disturbance to neighbours then I'd be taking out a loan to get soundproofing done and the DLA can take care of the monthly payments. Or using the DLA to rent a detached house.

I have every sympathy for the OP, but there’s not a chance in hell the LA would evict a disabled child’s family over a noise complaint. I have an autistic boy who went through a wall/floor banging phase, and the mats, helmets and pads we put in place to prevent him injuring himself just caused him to look elsewhere for the sensory stimulus he wanted. Luckily we are detached, but it would have been unbearable for the neighbours if not.

A little kindness goes a long way in these situations.

Record it for two weeks and then report her for antisocial behaviour

the child is unlikely to made homeless due to their needs.

What kindness would you suggest though? The OP isn't talking about going in all guns blazing. She just wants a safe, secure environment for her children to live in where they can have their basic needs of sleep met. To be able to stay awake to participate fully in their education. I'm not saying I have all the answers in this situation but kindness isn't really going to solve the problem of the OPs children being sleep deprived to the point its affecting their education.

I think that's unfair, there are major hygiene issues with trying to get the carpet clean enough, and if it's a frequent enough event - as in multiple times a day - the time taken up cleaning is possibly going to impact on your ability to care for your child properly.

It was bad enough when we had a problem with an elderly cat that led to us pretty much having to shampoo the living room and hall carpets weekly and we seriously considered at least replacing the hall carpet with lino. If that had been DS and his bedroom carpet where he probably would have been playing on the floor, maybe lying on it, no I would not have left the carpet down. That's just disgusting.

"I'd be taking out a loan to get soundproofing done and the DLA can take care of the monthly payments. Or using the DLA to rent a detached house."

You are assuming the DLA isn't already paying for essentials.

There are hygiene issues with trying to get the carpet clean but there are health issues with sleep deprivation from such noise, especially if the slept deprivation is that bad that people are being consistently sleep deprived on a long term basis.

That's assuming that DLA isn't already used for something else or that she is able to get a lone as a single parent with no income other than benefits.

How do you keep someone who is disabled from hitting walls unless you restrain them constantly? Just wondering what tricks there might be that you are aware of. You sound like you have a lot of knowledge in this area.

I'd hope not. It wouldn't completely surprise me these days though.

I'd class putting in measures to help mitigate the severe sleep deprivation being inflicted on a neighbour as an essential.

Above eating. OK then.....

"How do you keep someone who is disabled from hitting walls unless you restrain them constantly?"

And Social Care won't be happy if you started doing that.

Both of our houses are privately rented not LA,don't know if this makes a difference.

Now the banging was late into the night last night and today there's not been a peep.

"I'd class putting in measures to help mitigate the severe sleep deprivation being inflicted on a neighbour as an essential."

Above buying a child's incontinence pads (for example).

Yanbu, I have dc who have Autism myself and whilst his mother may not be able to stop this behaviour she can redirect him and use something like a punchbag or even a trampoline to get the same feedback.

Yes, it's not a nice situation for her. I've been there myself repeatedly but that doesn't give her the right to let this behaviour impact everyone to this extent. Whether he has Autism or not she still needs to parent.

There isn’t really a solution though, that’s the point. The disabled child can’t help it, I’d bet my house that his poor mother is only too aware of the problem and would have fixed it already if she could. His needs are not going to magically disappear whether the OP stamps her foot or asks nicely. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is a tiny chance that the OP’s predicament will help convince the LA to fund some adaptations, although don’t hold your breath for it happening any time soon even if there is funding (which there probably won’t be). This definitely won’t happen if OP antagonizes her neighbour. As I said, nobody is going to evict this family in a million years.

Huffing and puffing about the OP’s children’s rights to an education is all well and good, but it doesn’t move the dial on the actual problem.

But that doesn't mean she shouldn't do everything in her power.

Including involving the LA, SS and MPs.

I agree you couldn't leave carpet down. If it a bedroom I wonder about some kind of rubber flooring that you can clean easily but would deaden sound, like you get for gyms, workout. But that is expensive and I doubt thet would get help with the cost.

Honestly most of us with children with heeds do try everything to minimise impact on others, it's exhausting. Do people realise how hard it is to get funding and social care support.

My 9 yr old has been in system since he was toddler, we are in process of arranging brain scans, lumbar puncture, genetic testing already diagnosed ASD, PDA, hugely complex sensory needs, but it's taken YEARS to get there. If one more person says do you get respite... I am going to tribunal re ehcp. Have numerous complaints in as he has not been getting any kind of education for over a year and was part time before that.

We currently have learning disability team, play therapists, Neurology involved and yet he doesn't even have a named paediatrician. We are not entitled to any social care support. The hilarious suggestion of looking at "early help" every time a new professional gets involved.. like we havent tried that.

I am actually very lucky learning disability team have agreed to take him on as technically he doesn't have a learning disability or diagnosis of one. He is actually very cognitively able in many ways, but has a very spiky profile. Actually what happens is people assume because he is verbal it's 'just behaviour" and we need to teach him.. oddly enough you can teach away tics/tourettes or absence seizures.

Dla depending where you live your other responsibilities etc is not enough to move or rent somewhere and the family have already moved recently. Many families have no choice re where they can live. Not everyone can get a loan out and nor should they have to. I am currently paying back credit card for private medical app that helped us then get referred back in to the NHS for the tests we need.

The systems are broken. This situation is clearly not fair on the OP and her children but there is no quick fix or easy solution.

This.

It's not impossible with your input that it might help her get some form of help with this - in my experience, the more evidence given from as many different places as possible can be helpful. In our case it was a neighbour calling the police when DS was having a meltdown, it felt like such a low point but it added to the evidence that DS needed more support.

Many people have suggested moving bedrooms - what is the layout of the houses? Obviously on the neighbours side if she is able to swap bedrooms that just shifts the problem to a different neighbour so isn't a solution. But I'm not clear on if these are double fronted or single fronted houses? If single fronted there may not be much either OP or the neighbour can do.

Soundproofing/padding is an option, but if the neighbour can't afford it she can't afford it so if it can't be provided by a charity or social services that's that really (does crowdfunding really work for stuff like this if you don't have a large network of family, friends and acquaintances that will chip in?). We couldn't afford potentially thousands on soundproofing, and a loan wouldn't help as we wouldn't be eligible as we have no spare income to pay it back.

It's not "huffing and puffing", it's recognising that they have a right to sleep and an education. It's also not about "kindness", the OP isn't being unkind by being bothered about this and wanting a resolution. That was my point. "Kindness" has nothing to do with it. It's an issue which needs a resolution and the OP didn't say anything or imply that she was going to do anything which was unkind.

I have done ALL this and more, it makes zero difference. Involved my MP, schools, services, put in formal complaints going via LGO etc. It's bloody exhausting battling like this as well as working, looking after other children with additional needs and supporting my child with the complex needs.

The OP can absolutely push herself for support for her neighbour but nothing will be done quickly if at all.

I bet it never occured to her! You're a genius.