To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

As predicted the dicks with very little understanding of SEN have arrived.

Here are some practical suggestions rather than judgement and unhelpful suggestions of getting expensive loans that you probably can't afford to do for something that legally should be covered by the LA. OP I would have a chat with your neighbour and suggest looking at the below and speaking to the LA. You won't get anything on AIBU other than arguing whether it is reasonable or not for a disabled child to make sounds that they can't help but make, which is no use to you. I don't know why MNHQ leave these threads here, it would have been better off posting on the SN Children board as people there can make suggestions. Hopefully this might point your neighbour in the right direction. LAs will always say no to help with this stuff as par for the course. You have to pester them.

https://www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants

www.wellchild.org.uk/get-support/information-hub/grants-for-families/

Might be able to use this to create more soothing environment, help stop distress/banging.

https://www.familyfund.org.uk/grants/what-can-i-use-the-grant-for/

DBAD

Might have seen your posts!

But to what end?

The only possible solution is adaptations and noise insulation. The local MP of any stripe is not going to be rushing gallantly to evict a vulnerable family, and I suspect you have a rather optimistic view of SS’s appetite or bandwidth to intervene when all the children in the scenario are “safe”. As I said, the LA may be willing to provide some support, but it won’t be easily given ime.

There seems to be a desire to demonize the poor woman next door on this thread. It’s a really unfortunate situation for the OP, but there is no obvious fault here by anyone. Sadly, some children - including my DS - will involuntarily do things that are highly disruptive to others. Restraint tends to exacerbate the problem, so the only option is to mitigate the impact on others.

Well thats my point. That poster clearly knows of some witchcraft that can help the situation. 😂

There seems to be a desire to demonize the poor woman next door on this thread.

Yes I’ve noticed this is always the case! People are always so so eager to blame the carers as being inadequate or lazy or selfish. They would be doing such a better job if they were in the same situation! Of course they have no experience but they just know they would never allow such a thing to happen.

It is the posters with an actual understanding of SEN and disabilities that actually offer the best practical advice.

Put blocks in front of the walls? It's not hard. Heavy, anchored furniture. Plus soundproofing. The solution here isn't to just accept and tolerate this.

Yes, that's what people suggested we do when DS is having a meltdown. Get him to punch his pillow instead of us. He won't, he absolutely won't do it and trying to redirect him in that way just makes him even more wound up.

Redirection is not always possible. A punchbag or trampoline is not the same as hitting a wall, maybe it just doesn't fulfil whatever the neighbour's son is looking for in the way he wants it. Hopefully not, hopefully this is possible, but I suspect there's a high chance this has been suggested and hasn't worked.

(I admit I am assuming the mother has tried to prevent this on the grounds his behaviour must disturb her sleep. At the worst points with DS, before the melatonin, I'd have tried anything that wasn't actually harmful and wouldn't bankrupt us, and the latter I may not have stuck to.)

Yes this i have been told many times speak to your MP, your local councillor etc.. I have done ALL that and more. There is no help, the money isn't there. Even if the people you speak to in the system are lovely and helpful (not always) they generally have zero power to do anything.

My friend got a grant for a specialist toilet for her child after recommendation via OT it took years to get the grant and get it put in. And even right at the last minute the county council were trying to not do it, or suggested fitting it upstairs where the child couldn't access it! Just because that would be cheaper than installing it downstairs, where it was needed. Their child had been using a camping toilet in a utility cupboard for YEARS before getting the needed adaptations.

Okay, so we can all agree that the OP’s children should be able to sleep soundly and not be tired at school. No argument here. 👍🏻

Has it changed the situation next door yet? 🙄

Soundproofing is expensive and it would take an age to get funding for it, that's if funding was even agreed in the first place.

What kind of blocks in front of the wall? Heavy furniture even anchored can be moved by a strong teenage boy. It may even be that this is more dangerous. Some of the teens I work with cannot have any furniture in their bedrooms for their own safety. Padding can work to a degree but is expensive and if it is a sensory seeking behaviour he may well just find another had surface to bang.

These situations are often very complex and most families have little or no support and certainly don't have the money for expensive adaptations. Most people really do try everything.

They absolutely can!

If there is nothing the neighbour is willing to do to mitigate the noise then yes they could be evicted.

The council would have a duty to house them elsewhere eg b&b etc until a suitable property could be found but that level of noise disturbance can't be ignored

None of that's OPs problem.

We don't know how effective a parent she is.

The OP can do all she can to ensure she is priorising her children.

The sensory stuff is complex. We got DS a padded helmet when he was about 3 and he started trying to bang his teeth and jaw on the floor/walls to get the same sensory input. Or just used an object instead of his head. When we covered a wall, he discovered that banging the radiator was even more satisfying. He also started banging wardrobes and other large bits of furniture. They are not easy to dissuade.

Nobody is going to put an autistic child in a B&B. Jesus wept. Why not just flog them both in the street?

The best option is for the LA to step in and help the neighbour mitigate the noise. I and others have pointed out that the process of getting this help may be lengthy, frustrating and ultimately unsuccessful.

You sound very empathetic OP. You’ve had quite a few responses now (and another rotten night’s sleep!) so I think it is clear you need to talk to her. If you approach her with the same empathy you’ve shown while discussing the situation here, I’m sure it’ll be fine, and hopefully you can work out a way forward together.

If you block off the walls a child may bang on the floor or windows instead.

Exactly this!

I think there is an expectation on this thread that OP works with the neighbour to find a solution. This is very unlikely to work. OP has no parental responsibility for the child and no real power to implement anything in her neighbour's house. Her focus should be on herself and her own family and doing what's best for them.

Don't you see how your post is full of double standards.

You think it's perfectly ok for OP and her poor kids to go through a 'lengthy, frustrating and ultimately unsuccessful' process just to be able to get a decent night's sleep. An essential human need. You then acted shocked and appalled that the neighbours could end up in a B&B if they can't control the noise. The implication is clear. The neighbour and her family's needs matter more than OP's family. Absolutely reprehensible!

And it is that easy to just get rehoused? Into a detached property. In the catchment of his existing special school (I'm presuming this is what he attends).
Are you suggesting all disabled children who have noisy sensory seeking behaviour due to their disorders be housed away from "normal" people?!?!

I don't think anyone think it is perfectly ok that the process to get any help is generally lengthy, frustrating and ultimately unsuccessful but it is the reality and that isn't anybody's fault, including families who have disabled children.

It's also an essential human need for a disabled child to live somewhere that is appropriate for their needs and a B&B due to getting chucked out of their home because they are disabled isn't appropriate.

No double standards here @Bumpitybumper . I have sympathy with everyone in this situation, but it’s not appropriate to blame the disabled child or his mother for involuntary behaviour caused by a disability. The fact that it’s a nightmare for the OP doesn’t mean there must be somebody to blame. It’s just a shit situation.

Autistic children generally need routine and familiarity to remain regulated. It would be a foolhardy LA that interpreted its legal obligations towards a disabled child in a way that allowed him to be turfed out of his home, into a transient place, and then fuck knows where. There are equality laws to protect disabled people and prevent that from happening, which I expect will disappoint you.

And I am actually advocating for the OP to involve the LA, but also pointing out that (ime of course) they move at a glacial pace and search high and low for reasons to do nothing at all.

We have two families with competing needs. It absolutely isn't written in stone that the family with the disabled child gets priority and everyone else has to suck it up.

There are also noise nuisance laws that exist to protect people in their homes from anti social noise. These are not necessarily trumped by equality laws in the way you seem to think they are. Just because you are disabled it doesn't give you a right to make your neighbour's life hell. This is just a legal fact!