To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

The health impact is the same though, if the noise is intentional or not. Sleep deprivation isn't something to be taken lightly, especially when it comes to children that are still developing. How long is OP reasonably meant to wait for a solution to be put in place? What if the solution isn't good enough? I wouldn't take the chance. She is effectively sacrificing her own children and family's health and it is unfair to ask her to do this.

A baby crying is not comparable to a disabled child banging their head against a wall for hours on end each night. A baby will quite quickly grow out of crying for long periods at night. My babies were terrible sleepers for a long time but they didn't scream and cry enough to cause our neighbours major issues.

I thin you should definitely say something to her and encourage her to contact the council and so they can adapt the property. It is true that the mother may not be able to control what is happening, however, health and social care have a legal to make reasonable adjustment/adaptation and possibly find more suitable accommodation

This is really hard and some posters have a very naive view if they think there is lots help out there for this boy and his mum.

It is almost impossible to get a disability social worker even for complex needs children. Same re OT assessments and adjustments to property to help ie soundproofing and making rooms safe. There just isn't the funding or availability.

That being said I would try and talk compassionately to mum, say that you know she is trying her best and it can't be helped but it may be that you could help with a referral for support by documenting the impact on your family. Would your children's school do a letter that could be sent to relevant teams re impact?

Your best bet is to support so that they can perhaps get adjustments made to the home but it won't be a quick process.

For context I have children with additional needs, my youngest when very distressed will head banging, fortunately it's not too often and at 9 years old I can just about hold him and stop it, get a pillow in-between his head and the wall etc. I also work in a complex needs school with ie, adult man teenage boys and believe me even with trained staff it's impossible at times. At school we have equipment, padded qalls, lots of sensory supports to meet needs but patents at home often do not. We have students who are 2 or even 3 to one when distressed and yet at home their oatents, even single parents are just expected to get on with it, no support.

In my county as well as disability social workers, OT we have teams called Starfish and Starfish plus which can offer support to families they will go into home and school to observe and see what can be suggested for behaviours like these. But waiting lists are long, there is very strict criteria for referral wtc.

Honestly this mum is probably exhausted herself and trying her best to keep her child safe, so be compassionate.

You must speak to her. It sounds an awful situation for everyone involved and you can engage with her with sympathy and understanding.

Who knows her situation, but if she is relying on funding for accommodation It may even help her to upgrade to a more suitable home, where she doesn't need to worry about disturbing the neighbours.

I've been in this situation as well although he was 16 so bigger and stronger. The banging and slamming was horrendous. Environmental health will not touch it if it's kids noise or from someone disabled. Retro fitting sound proofing does not help impact noises unless you build a room within a room, big money and big upheaval, it's not practical. Unfortunately I had to move. It nearly broke me.

Noise complaints can help fast track getting what they need.

😂😂😂
You truly believe that the mother who lives in the house is unaware of the banging that wakes the NDN up?!?

I mean I’m all for looking for reasons as to why this happens but this is so far from anything possible, that it’s not even clutching at straw anymore.

Thank you all for your replies, last night my son ended up sleeping on the sofa because the noise started up again about 1, it's not a constant noise but when it starts it can last for hours on end.

Yes the boys dad is on the scene he actually goes to stay there sometimes not often though.

I do think the padded walls need putting up, she is in the middle of the terrace so am assuming the other neighbour's are having similar issues. But the way the house is built most of her house is attached to our main wall if that makes sense.

I am renting this house, but there's not a hell in chance am moving it took us years to find this house we moved the kids school and we absolutely love this house!

I do actually know who the landlord is of I need to get hold of him. My landlord is also aware of the problem they've heard it whilst here doing a repair.

I know this sounds absolutely stupid but can he actually do any structural damage, it's shaking the house which is concerning.

Possible injury to the child as well.
Look into moving even though you don’t want to. You’ll find somewhere else. Your landlord will find it difficult to rent the house with the noise problems.

@RootsBeforeTheFruits im sorry. I can see how hard it can be for you to live like that.
As other posters said, it’s likely that the mum can’t do much about it. And is dreading the day you’re going to see her to complain.

Neither of you are in an easy situation and I’m not sure Theres a solution 😢

🫂🫂🫂 all around

I would speak with her and perhaps ask her to call round when it's happening so she can understand the issue.

you recon the mum isn't aware and needs help to understand what is happening? Jesus.

A solution isn't going to magically happen overnight. I think it needs to be realistic, it costs money and it can be difficult to fund in some areas if she's unable to afford any changes herself. If it's rented, her landlord may also not be keen to make any changes which is also out of her control.

It's comparable to a crying baby because it can't be helped and usually, some understanding is given because it isn't intentional and it is often a difficult situation. Unfortunately, this parent never got to experience their child outgrowing it.

That poor woman.
She knows her son is doing this, but I bet there is nothing she can do to stop it.
A catch 22 situation...
Maybe ask her if there is anything you can do to help him stop banging. As she can't just drug her child.

We have 3 with additional needs, all of them stim in some way 1 is a wall kicker. I would absolutely want to be told but with understanding and kindness

She may not realise the sound carries
She maybe able to invest in some aids Or re arrange rooms ect

Speak to her. Offer kindness but also support to try and find a solution.

Your noise “complaint” (kindly delivered) might well give her additional ammunition to get extra support for her son.

You have to advocate for your children too, and it’s important they know you recognise a problem and raise it.

Even if solving the problem is going to be very difficult it’s your duty as a parent not to shy away from it.

You have my sympathy OP. I have a disabled sister who used to bang on walls in the night and we lived in a terraced property too.

Fortunately for the neighbours (not my sister though!), she wasn't able to walk, so simply moving her bed against an internal wall, instead of the neighbour's wall, resolved the situation! I think my parents added some padding to the wall where she could reach, and put the wardrobe on the adjoining wall so the clothes absorbed some of the sound also. I don't believe the neighbours ever complained.

On the plus side, I can sleep through absolutely anything thanks to the training given to me by my sister, because the internal wall she used to bang on was my bedroom wall also!

In your case, presumably the child is mobile, so moving beds wouldn't help. They could, potentially rearrange furniture so that he doesn't have as much access to the wall?

I would say speak to them though and say "I know there's no easy solution to this and I hate to bring it up, but I wanted you to know that your son's banging on the wall can be heard in our house and can be very disruptive to my DC when it happens in the night, as his bedroom is on the other side of the wall. I don't know if there's an easy solution to it, but wanted to mention it, just in case there is something you can think of."

I'm not saying a solution will happen overnight but if I was OP I would be doing absolutely all I could do to stop this from happening. Obviously OP moving would be the most obvious solution but if this isn't possible then I definitely would be involving Environmental Health and any other authorities that I could including the landlord. OP and her children have the right to enjoy their home without such disruptive noise that is adversely impacting all of their sleep.

The tolerance around babies crying is because people know that it will be relatively short lived. Neighbours would respond similarly negatively to a baby crying if it went on for the length of time that this head banging is likely to persist. Compassion and understanding only stretch so far when this starts to impact your family's fundamental needs. Sleep is essential and not a nice to have.

My daughter is 4 and has additional needs. She jumps on her bed untill she crashes. I worry so much about our poor neighbours but trust me if I could stop her doing it I would, she won’t sleep until she’s worn out I have literally tried everything. It’s worse no me she has wooden flooring, but we had to change from carpet because she kept defecating on it, you win one battle and another begins. You could speak to her about it but she will probably get very upset it’s overwhelming to deal with xx

Social care can fund adaptations and she may well have asked for wall padding, sound prodding or a safe space (a room within a room) and been refused as council budgets have been decimated. I’ve known families wait years for similar help and not because they don’t know it’s a problem but because they are ignored. I would speak to her and ask if she has asked social care and say you would be willing to put in a letter of support if she wanted to push for adaptations. In some ways a complaint may make it more likely they get the help but it would be better for neighbourly relationships if you could do it in a supportive way.

I can understand if OP went in that direction but then I'd also expect the neighbour to fight for the rights of her child too and he has to live somewhere.

Which is why I personally wouldn't escalate to environmental health. I'd feel like shit watching a disabled child become homeless because of me.

@SouthLondonMum22 I bet you'd feel equally shit if your children were failing at school due to lack of sleep? I know its a really emotive issue, but the OP's children are important too

I'd speak to her with empathy as it must be tough for her. However she does need to work towards minimising the disturbance as much as possible. I'm assuming she'll get DLA for him, this is what this is for, putting things in place to minimise the impact of disabilities. Soundproofing, perhaps a punch bag for him to hit instead etc.

Thar must be really hard and exhausting for you to deal with but the changing from carpet to wooden flooring is prioritising your needs to not have to clean all the time over the neighbours needs of sleep and right to quiet enjoyment of their home, when they aren't the ones causing the issues. I would be insisting on some form of soundproofing if I were your neighbour.

Are they failing at school due to lack of sleep?

Of course OP's children are important too but attempting to make another child homeless would be my very last resort. I'd see what I could do myself in an attempt to improve the quality of my children's sleep such as swap bedrooms as a starting point.